My mother hardly took part in Christmas

[Seagate]

My mother is 70 and over the past year I was seeing some behaviours from her that is off.
I could tip back a little bit further and tie more bits together too.
I strongly suspect there is the onset of dementia happening with her. It's not showing up as a forgetfulness although sometimes I wonder now due to her use of appliances.
First thing when she gets up in the morning she will turn on the oil burner as of its an automatic reaction and I will find that it could still be on another hour or two later.
I think maybe there is some forgetfulness happening with her. There is a range of stuff happening from her.

I was looking forward to the Christmas.
I very rarely get a block of days off like I this this Christmas - sat, sun, Mon, Tues.
I spend all yesr working hard.
I was looking forward to this time off so that I could spend it with my mother and keep her company in case she's acting out, out of loneliness. The youngest fled the nest abroad this year so maybe she's loneliness. She went above and beyond for him even inti adulthood. All her focus was son him really. When he left, she was upset.

I spent a small fortune for fuel for the home and also burning wood.
I organised grocery shop to get plenty of food in.
The TV in the sitting room was broken.
I bought a new TV. Over the Christmas I really made an effort to make or bright and cheerful. She had an interest in a movie and I found it online and I joined Disney+ to watch it.

Over the Christmas, the main room of the house was bright and cheerful.
I had the tree and lights up, I made fires, the TV was on.
I spent the past week and over Christmas, inviting my mother into the sitting room to watch TV together. The room was cosy.
My mother has a TV in the kitchen and I was offering to put what she was watching on TV in the sitting room. All she did was make excuses not to come in and sit down in front of the TV in the sitting room.
I was making dinner on Christmas day. She went out for a walk at about 1. Dinner was to be about 4.
She came home at about 3 and decided not to wait for dinner and have some food at 3. So when dinner was ready she refused that too.
She reminded me like a child at that point.
She was complaining about not having anything good to watch on TV and I said the TV in the sitting room is a smart one and I can get the Internet on that for online movies.
All she did was just make excuses.

The youngest who left home earlier this year, he had issues with drink and I have a strong suspicion of him being on drugs too. So the past few Christmases were a mess. My mothers focus was always on him and he was too drunk or high or crashing from drink and drugs with hangovers lasting days and days and moods.
My mother didn't have him to worry about this year. To be honest it was a good year without him but I never said that to her. Already it was a peaceful Christmas without him.

I was trying to do my best and be nice and put on a good Christmas but she hardly took part in any of it.
Even though I have my mother has family, I never felt as alone before in my life.

I wonder if she's feeling really conflicted about your brother leaving. Sad at having Christmas without him, quietly realising that it's a lot easier/nicer without his drama and then feeling terribly guilty at thinking that because it's almost like betraying/letting go of him to even think some things are better without him around.

I can see that she'd be massively conflicted in that situation, and him moving away may feel, rightly or wrongly, like a kind of grief to her.

I meant to say that I'm so sorry, though, OP, that your mother has visited this on you in this way.

Is this more about you and your effort or your concern for your mother? I did x y z, I did a b c. Perhaps your mum did end want the fuss of Xmas anymore did you ask her if she wanted the things you did or did you just do them?

It could be something sinister like dementia or it could be as simple as this Christmas wasn’t easy for her or maybe she just had her own ideas about how Christmas should be and it’s like you’ve taken on the role of parent too, maybe she’s finding that difficult. I’m sorry you feel so alone, you did a lovely thing but a few years ago I learned that sometimes people just have different plans/ moods and if they don’t match yours there’s nothing you can do

Does she normally live with you? Unfortunately my friend's DM is like this, no golden balls son around there's no point in her doing anything... I know it's her grandson in this case but is she similar?

This isn't about me doing all of these things and getting no recognition. This is me being genuinely concerned about her and that maybe there's something happening and maybe this is perhaps another symptom of the dementia suspicion I have.

I was making fires in the open fire since last week and inviting her into the cosy sitting room to watch her soap operas on the big screen in there in front of the fire. The same happened over Christmas eve and Christmas day and boxing day. I was inviting her into the cosy room but she made excuses and refused every time. It's so odd. I will say if I was my brother and if he was home and inviting her in, she would be all over it but me her daughter, and it was something else.

I live at home with her. I am in an area with limited rental properties and anything that is available is out of my reach.

I think you are right. If that was my brother inviting her into the sitting room she would happily and gladly sit in the room and spend time with him and I think maybe in her mind Christmas is only just for little children and golden boys around her no point in Christmas because it must only just be a man's celebration.

Sounds sad OP. And you are allowed to feel sad about not having all your care and thoughtfulness recognised. You sound lovely, brightening the place up etc.

Maybe your mum got addicted to the ups and downs of your brother’s issues. Perhaps she feels empty and resentful about it all and is taking it out on you.

Take care of yourself x

I never wanted a recognition from her. I wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to make Christmas a good one and spend time with her. I get a sense that there might be something happening with her and I wanted to spend time with her and keep her company in case she's acting out, out of loneliness. She misses my brother and I spend a lot of time working all year. I wanted to make Christmas a good one. I didn't know how except for getting a new TV for the sitting room because the old one was broken. I got a big screen for the room. I got fore wood for fires. I got food for the kitchen and fridge. I wanted to put on her soap operas and what she likes to watch on the big TV in the sitting room. I wanted the room cosy. I wanted to put on some movies especially the movie she said she was interested in. When it came to it all, there was nothing from her. She didn't want to spend a minute in my company because I am not a man. I'm not her man.

Therapy. You need it for dealing with your feelings around your mother. It will (eventually, it's not a quick fix) help. I'm not saying your feelings are unjustified!

I have a 90 year old df. We had a hell of a year last year, falling out etc, as he tried to resist the facts - he's old, he needs help, I'm the one available to give it. He, too, has a golden boy. He tried it again last week, telling me 'It's not your problem', when the huge problem has no-one but me to sort it. I told him firmly it is my problem because he is my problem and he can't manage without me. It's probably too soon for that conversation with your mother.

Being uncooperative with you is the only power she has left in her life. Overcome it by ignoring it. When she's trying to hurt you, don't be hurt. Enjoy your life regardless of her. You can't make your mum happy. She isn't interested in meeting your needs. But you still need to have a good life.

Are you the poster whose mum wouldn't accept a Christmas tree in the sitting room, and we all said 'Put it in your bedroom, instead?'

I don't think she was setting out to hurt me when she wasn't spending time with me. I thought it would be a nice idea to have a cosy room, a clean room and a working TV we could watch together over Christmas. I thought it would be a nice idea to spend time together over Christmas. I really do think she is lonely. She has lived all her life through my brother/s and they are gone away now and the youngest is just gone. In my mind I am thinking maybe she's acting out, out of loneliness. A few weeks ago I was making mulled wine and she expressed an interest in a mulled wine over Christmas but when it came to it she refused it. I put on what she likes to watch on the big screen in the sitting room and she refused all that too.

I was upset but I never showed her. I never gave her a reaction. Then come yesterday evening I stopped asking her to join me and just left her to it. She can pine for her boys alone in her kitchen.

It's a real smack in the face to be quite honest. I get it, it's hard to have family abroad. It's hard for me too to have siblings so far away but there's no point being upset and sad and depressed about them. I am happy that they are good and working hard abroad and I want to make the best of things at home. Its a real smack in the absolute face in that
She has a daughter (me) at home and in her mind l, I'm nothing to her. She could learn how to be happy with what she has for now as in, our family was never hit with tradegy this year, and none of us a majorly sick.

I never showed my mother that I was upset so she got no reaction from me, so I don't think its a power and control thing.

I'm disappointed. I work hard all year and sometimes there is nothing more but upheaval within my work and hours and I thought it would be nice to spend time together. I was also thinking maybe it might be beneficial too.

She has no hobbies or interests outside of the home. She has no close friends. Whatever friends is all just neighbours chatting and just superficial kinda stuff.

One of the behaviours that I found with my mother is stealing. She is taking items of my clothing even though we are very different sizes. Not only that I discovered other stealing. I remember a few months ago, going to an appointment and there was a desk with boxes of masks and we were required to wear a mask. She not only took a mask, she started to stuff her pockets with masks. It was so mindless because I had plenty of masks at home. Another time she came home with a huge amount of sugar and sauce sachets and I asked where she got them. She said she was going through the coffee shop in the bus station and she said these were out on a table and they are meant for people to take them. That's not entirely right, at all. It's so mindless. There's no need to steal sugars and sauces. So in my mind I am thinking that maybe dementia is happening with her. I googled why do old people steal and an article came up about older Japanese people. They steal because they are lonely and its for attention.

So I thought I will make all this effort to have fuel in, and food in and a new tv and I can watch TV and spend time with her. Time off for me doesn't come very often. I thought I was doing a nice thing but I just felt shut down by her and blocked out by her where she refused everything that I suggested. This is also our first Christmas in a long time where it wasn't ruined by another man's drink and drugs and moods. I thought maybe she would be lonely and I really tried to do my best. She's pining for my brother even though she has me. A daughter to help her and make sure there's fuel and food in the house.

I will know for new yesr and going forward not to bother trying anymore and just ignore her as much as possible going forward.