How to help incontinent DM

[FestivePinkFairy]

DM is 80. She's been staying with my DB over Xmas and it's come to light that she is faecally incontinent. This is something she has completely kept to herself probably out of embarrassment. She had a severe prolapse which surgeons will not operate on which undoubtedly isn't helping the situation either.

When I dropped her off at the station I was a bit suspicious that something might be amiss when she refused to let me get her something to eat on the train (4 hour journey). She had been using pads for a while but I assumed it was for wee. We've conversations Shan I've been with her to medical appointments where she's said she can't hold it anymore.

Anyway this is another level. My DB has let me know this morning that they've had to clear up numerous marks on the carpet where she has 'leaked' and shower her when she's had an accident which means that she has had to tell them.

We do have a pending social services care assessment but already this has been closed once as they called DM - she's very deaf - and apparently told them she was ok. It's in the pipeline again but how long we'll wait is anyone's guess. I'm scared they'll tell me I have to help. I work full time in a reasonably stressful role, am the main wage earner and absolutely do not want to be a carer.

DB lives 200 miles away. In the interim are there any smaller practical solutions we can try? Her bathroom is upstairs and cannot be moved. She does have mobility issues so not ideal. I guess adult nappies might be the most obvious thing, but she's a proud lady and that's going to be difficult for her to accept.

Sorry this is really long, but any experience and suggestions appreciated.

The GP surgery should be able to refer her to the continence nurse in her area who may be able to offer advice on the best products and ways to help? Sorry, no experience but it sounds miserable for your poor DM.

Agreed on the GP, and this is a time to be the bad bossy daughter who doesnt give up on getting her seen and referred to the incontinence nurses.

Maybe a second opinion on the surgery too?

Adult disposable underwear is the best option I would think, perhaps a commode?
Surely nothing could be more embarrassing than leaking on the floor and it needing to be cleaned up. Poor woman.

If adult SS are involved you must be clear about what you are prepared to do, if you don’t want to care please let them know as it affects the care package. It’s easy to go along with things and then regret having promised so much.

Has she stopped drinking caffeine? It has a big impact on urinary incontinence on many people, and bowel incontinence too.

Can you check how much she is drinking? Water, I mean. As I found out to my cost, dehydration can cause faecal leakage, when you suddenly defecate with none of the usual signs. upping my water intake seems to have sorted it out.

My sympathies to your Mum. It's a hugh burden, but I've always said, getting old is no job for wimps

Absolutely ask GP for a referral to the incontinence team. A nurse will visit your mum and assess her needs. They can arrange for a supply of appropriate incontinence wear for her needs to be delivered. They may also be able to arrange a commode if mobility is making the issue worse.

It may help her acknowledge the reality of her situation and their matter of fact approach might reduce her embarrassment.

Don't be afraid to talk with her about her incontinence. I have had chats with my dfil that I never expected to have and we can laugh and make jokes now.

Does your mum have any savings? You can organise care visits for personal care before the social worker does an assessment if she can afford to pay. I know the waiting time for assessment can be long. It's worth making contact before they speak to your mum so you can explain her needs. Without adequate care and cleaning she will suffer from sore skin and possibly develop infections.

You are not obliged to provide personal care. It is important when your mum gets a social care assessment that you are clear about what support you can offer, if any. It may be none or some shopping etc.

You don't have to help at all and they can't make you. Social services will probably try as it will be easier for them but you are under no duty of care at all.
Carers is probably the way to go here. This is what we save for, to buy in help as needed. I wouldn't like my busy adult DC doing my cleaning and sorting my dirty laundry.
No downstairs loo? What were her plans for coping as she aged?

Thank you all.

GP seems to be next on the list then.

There is a very long backstory which involves years and years of mental illness stretching back to when I was a teenager. Got herself into a mad lot of debt 15+ years ago - tens of thousands of £s but all now sorted and paid off - but it means she has minimal savings, if any. The house is entirely unsuitable but she refused to move and it's now in a shocking state. She's a hoarder as well.

We think she will be entitled to Attendance Allowance which will pay for a couple of hours of care a week. She should also get a small amount of Pension Credit if the online thingy I've done today is correct which again will entitle her to some council tax benefit.

It's horrible to see her like this and Christmas has been incredibly difficult for DB.

You definitely need her GP - maybe a double appointment if they will let you book one.

Incontinence has close links with cognitive decline too im afraid.

referral to the continence team 1st she’ll need to complete a diary of everything in and out for about 5 days before she actually sees anyone though. Despite the leakage She may actually be constipated, this happened to my granny and after treatment she was much better. I would also try disposable pants the Tena silhouette max ones are excellent.

Agree with everything that has already been said. It’s tough but it has to be dealt with head on and honestly (though of course sensitivity) like any other medical condition. You have to be honest though- if it smells or was difficult to clean up for example as ot may be the only way she will take it seriously and accept the help you line up.

re ongoing care needs- my biggest piece of advice was don’t agree to do anything at all that you are unwilling to continue until the end of your mum’s life. Once you have a role doing x, y or z- it is really difficult to go back on it and I can only imagine it would be even harder if the local authority would have an additional cost if you stopped that role. I started doing things, that I regretted as the responsibility increased- like you I have a family at home and a FT professional role- it was such a drain and I have lost part of myself in the process, including some of the relationship with my own children. I would do things very differently knowing what I know now.

try and get your brother on side so you agree- so you can provide a United front when speaking to medical professionals or your mum herself.