Planning for the "in case" - how do you manage when 200 miles away ?

[BookWorm45]

Hoping some kind MNer will have some experience or wisdom to share on this...

Visiting elderly FIL at xmas - he is mid 80s and has a bunch of health problems, including difficulty with walking (quite unsteady at times). He has one of those emergency call pendant / necklace things but doesn't wear it very much (only occasionally when at the far end of the garden, not when in the house). He is in a 1930s bungalow, which has some large doorsills / steps / floor height changes in it due to a previous owner's renovations. FIL lives ~ 200 miles away. DP is the only direct relative in this country (DP's sister lives in California so in practical terms no good for any immediate emergencies).

DP is trying to think ahead so that if there is a sudden emergency, we have some awareness of what might be possible. The most likely concern we have been thinking about is a trip / fall / breaking hip etc.

DP's job means it isn't possible to take holiday during certain times of the year (though there is emergency leave, this is normally expected to be only for a couple of days or so).

How have people managed in similar situations if they've had to respond to concerns (imagine elderly parent breaks their hip, post-surgery they need someone around for a few weeks).

Do people typically take unpaid leave for a few weeks so as to have time off (even though a hit to monthly income which is another factor) ?

Or do people liaise with care agencies so as to provide care during the working week, and then visit at weekends ?

Are there any options for nursing homes which will take people on a shorter term basis such as 3 /4 weeks ?

(We are separately having a conversation about what are the best long term options, the query above is really about how people cope in emergency / urgent situations).

Thank you for any thoughts you have !

Means not mans

Thanks for writing that post @SharpLily very useful for many reasons but psychologically for me reading my mum is not alone in her stubborn refusal to take seriously how enfeebled and vulnerable she is.

My brother has headed home over 300 miles away today after a few weeks festive stay but we are very worried/annoyed by her.

She can barely stand without falling over yet refuses to entertain the idea of a walker or other mobility aids, won't let me book in someone to help with meals, cleaning etc and definitely will not sort out a POA.

Super annoying as just two years ago when she was relocating across country to be near me she flatly refused to view bungalows and when I suggested she rule out houses not in walking distance to the shops she haughtily told me she'd 'just drive'. Of course she's way beyond driving now.

I have a full on job with loads of business travel but most days will be able to pop in after work but frankly I'm thinking if she can't do anything to help herself then why should I put myself out to help her either.

You makes your bed so time to lie in it.

This maybe makes me cold and heartless which I am not.

You're not cold and heartless @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss, far from it! Mine is currently moaning because I won't take three days annual leave at a really busy time to drive her to a hospital appointment. She has a friend who has offered to do it and who is available then!

I've decided to leave my phone in my bedroom during the working day (I work from home) so if she calls me I am, as reiterated many times during discussions about how she doesn't need professional care/support, UNAVAILABLE during Mon-Fri 9-5

Both she and my brother seemed surprised/annoyed that my chronically ill and depressed teen didn't want to get involved with supporting her Nanna. Ffs.

If you think you need support pay for it out of the ludicrous house price windfall you benefited from don't rely on voluntary handouts from untrained relatives.

I keep my phone on do not disturb Mon-Fri 8am - 6pm which means I don't see the messages etc. It's set automatically to do this. It's a lot easier from my POV as I can concentrate on work rather than get distracted by whatever the current crisis/non-event is. I've told her this is the case but she still tries to call and msg. She can't seem to grasp that I work!

I've got the phone set so DH or school will get through. If there was a genuine emergency she'd get hold of DH on our landline and he'd get me at work.

What a great list @BookWorm45 .

Re. point 9, we arranged for a 'home adaptation team' visit where an occupational therapist from the local council came and inspected my mum's home and made suggestions for useful adaptations. Some she ignored (taking up the dozens of small rugs she had scattered around the place) but she did agree to have grab rails fitted in the bathroom and on small flights of stairs. The OT told me that sadly most people only agree to these adaptations after they have fallen and spent some time in hospital. He also said with older people, 'it's not if she/he falls, but when'.

Re. point 6, my mum went into a post-operative and convalescent care clinic for 2 weeks after a hip replacement operation. It was either that or sleep in the sitting room and use a commode during her recovery as she couldn't get upstairs and the downstairs loo was down a flight of stairs. The clinic was expensive but the care was excellent and it worked really well as she had two physio sessions a day that contributed to an excellent recovery.

You could also look on the Care Quality Commission website for home care agencies close to your FIL. You can filter the search to find ones that are rated Outstanding or Good. These agencies can supply carers to look after your FIL in his own home. Again, not cheap but useful in a crisis.

Thanks Whiskey ! very useful about how to search on home care agencies and what to filter on.

Please please be careful of this big plastic box approach. Sounds like it’d contain enough for a good round of identity theft. An easy target for a burglar.