no contact

10 replies

Annie1985ab · 26/12/2022 22:29

My elderly mum died from covid 3 months ago. Less than a week after her funeral a widow neighbour of my parents asked my dad to take her to lunch, he went as he said he was grieving so much about mum and needed to get out. She’s not liked, and a bit of a user. They started going out several times a week, and people were gossiping. I was shocked and tried to tell him he is grieving and not to jump in haste. He always pays for everything when they go out. She then said she wasn't happy with me going to dads, without me sort of making an appointment first, ie dont just drop round for coffee on the off chance anytime, as she said she wasn't comfortable in me turning up "in case I was nasty to her" (i hadn’t been). She removed a plant of my mums from their front door step, replaced it with one she chose, she just walks straight into the house, sits in what was in essence my mums chair. I stopped going down without "an appointment" and tried to keep a low profile but on xmas eve when I dropped dad home from shopping she pulled my car door open, had a go at me, said I should butt out as I had my own life and my dad just walked away and let her have a go at me. Tonight, I asked him not talk about her (since she had a go at me) and he said in that case he chose her over contact with me.
Told me not to ring him anymore (I always ring morning and night for a chat) as she could ring him instead. He admitted they aren’t just friends.
I would never have objected to him meeting someone new, but the week after mum’s funeral – I just feel it was disrespectful, but I've put a face on it as best as I can.
My mum actually used to say if anything happens to me XXXX will be after your dad like a shot, and he used to laugh and say no way would he want to take XXXX on.
He said XXXX dislikes me because I am another woman, taking up his time that he could spend with her, and that he doesn’t want to lose her.
I’m not another woman, I’m his daughter, and I am grieving for my mum who was a lovely person.
XXXX said I shouldn’t see me dad each week, that once every few months was more than enough – I’m only 15 mins away from him, he shops 5 mins from me !
I am heartbroken tonight. I don’t understand why he has to chose her or me or why she would want to cause that split.

OP posts:

stairgates · 26/12/2022 23:14

That's so sad. I dont know what to suggest without saying mean things about your dad. If he talks about marriage suddenly make sure he speaks to a solicitor so you know she's not after his house.

Bogeyes · 26/12/2022 23:21

She is a schemer. Your dad will be taken to the cleaners.

jtaeapa · 26/12/2022 23:29

I think this is relatively common. When my MIL died, a woman was after my 80yo FIL right away. Fortunately we had warned him that it would happen and he told her to stop bothering him. You can imagine that your dad is lost without your mum and that this schemer is alleviating that a bit

Strawberrysundaeonamonday · 26/12/2022 23:37

This sort of thing is really icky to me. I don’t understand why so many men behave like this. I’m afraid to say I think it’s your dad being the arse in this situation. The neighbour might have got her claws into him but he didn’t have to let that happen at the expense of you. I’m so sorry he has treated you that way and I agree it’s very disrespectful to your mother.
how old is he? Is he vulnerable?

SenoritaNaturista · 26/12/2022 23:53

I think at all costs and as difficult as it is, you have to maintain your position and presence with your Dad and family home.

Do you have a respected older family member - uncle/aunt other relative who could be involved to give your Dad some perspective and be a support to you.

Even a regular presence by you (accompanied by another family member for moral support maybe?) - e.g. if you put the bins out / deliver post/groceries/some small jobs there where you just maintain your rightful position about the house.

As hard and emotionally heartbreaking as it is for you, you need to find a way of stopping this woman from speaking to you like this, and her taking the upper hand with you in your Mum’s home. I really feel for you and wish I could help.

Cats23 · 26/12/2022 23:58

I hope your Dad has a good solicitor and doesnt change his will.
I hope he sees sense soon, perhaps another family member or friend can talk to him?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 26/12/2022 23:59

Oh op this sounds awful. I can’t believe that a father could put someone above their own child so quickly. I understand wanting to find someone else after being widowed but not cutting contact with your child for them.

I agree about asking a trusted relative to have a word with him or keep an eye on him. Other than that I’m not sure what toy can do. If he’s of sound mind then his choices are his own and sadly you’ll have to accept them and do what you need to do to protect yourself from hurt.

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2022 00:03

Send him a letter asking him for all the photos of you and your mother you can bet those will be next to go

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 00:11

Awful awful woman- she's disgraceful...and your dad is being incredibly foolish. Try to reason with him on his own. He might be processing his grief in a very irrational manner

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/12/2022 09:41

Cats23 · 26/12/2022 23:58

I hope your Dad has a good solicitor and doesnt change his will.
I hope he sees sense soon, perhaps another family member or friend can talk to him?

And be aware that an existing Will becomes invalid on marriage (unless it states in the Will that it’s being made in anticipation of marriage)

Flip