How to deal with this behaviour

[Tinseltangle]

My elderly relative is 86 and lives alone. She has various health issues and is unable to leave the house due to mobility and continence issues.
She never has a good word to say about anyone, repeating the same things over and over. In the main it is allegations of theft, her things have been stolen and the people she holds responsible are evil and wicked. She rewrites history to suit this narrative to the point no one wants to speak to her. She is exceptionally lonely but refuses to engage with anyone, relying on one family member who she regularly verbally abuses. Cognitively she appears to be fully functioning, occasionally confused but good on the whole. Can anyone suggest how to tackle her? Telling her you are not interested does nothing and walking away means she just starts again the next time. She will not entertain carers and sacked them the last time we tried. She is making everyone unhappy including herself and i dont know what to do.

What relation is she to you? I'm wondering why you feel obliged to help. Are you the person being verbally abused?

Would visiting a day centre help? Staff are trained around mobility issues and have transport

Firstly, accept that she won’t change. If you interact with her, that is what you will get.
Then, ask social services to assess her and leave it in their hands. You must not offer any help whatsoever to SS, say you are unable to, or they will take the easy option and leave it on you.

Change the topic of conversation each time

I couldn't be bothered with that at all. Walk away.

Sadly the stealing things issue is very common amongst older people with dementia or other issues. We had one elderly aunt who was always accusing people of stealing her stuff. She lived in a home and hid things and then forgot where they were.

She used to ring the police, but they were used to it.

it is difficult, she sounds as if she should be in a care home, but she would probably refuse to go.

If you're caring for her- I'm really sorry that you're having to cope with this situation. I hope you have places to go where you can rediscover normal life for a bit.

She sounds more than a bit confused tbh. She sounds at a minimum very depressed, possibly cognitive decline. I would try to get a GP involved, maybe try antidepressants.

If you're visiting to chat to her, you can just not engage on those topics, though it sounds as if she doesn't have any others.

Option 2 you can entertain yourself by taking what she says and running wild with it... ' yes in fact everyone is evil... it's true, everything you have has been stolen... our house went last week, they just walked away...'

Third option, just push back as hard as you like. No, her stuff hasn't been stolen. No, Mary isn't evil, she's got a heart of gold. I don't know why you're saying these horrible things Mum, its not like you .

Thank you for your replies. I have walked away now but it greatly upsets me to see the impact her behaviour has on the one family member who supports her. She makes their life a misery at times but they feel obliged to care for her, no matter what she says or does. I know she will never change her behaviour hence why i walked away when she turned on me. I will ask the family member how i can support them instead, its just so hard to watch and feels like im doing nothing. I just want it to stop.

I think supporting the family member is a rally good idea.

My MIL used to be lovely. But has become the same as your relative
She (MIL) does have dementia, both vascular and Alzheimers which have caused frontal lobe shrinkage and personality swings.
It may be worth having her go to the doc and be checked out. Some medications given early can slow the progress.

I only say this because the first signs for us were that she'd accuse anyone who came near the house of stealing from her. Money, ornaments, food and eventually daft stuff like towels or the tv remote. "That man you got to cut the hedge stole my nice saucepans" (still on the shelf, AND he hadn't even been in the house)
"The doctor stole my blanket, dont know how ill get it back"(the one still on her lap)

The mobility and continence issues can also be caused by vascular dementia.

This is such a difficult situation. One I am in too.
My DM is in a care home and shows all the same signs as the op’s relative.

Unfortunately, I’m the one receiving all the abuse. I have one sibling, a brother who can have relatively pleasant visits apart from mum slating me. Apparently I’ve told her she needs to get a job. She’s 90.

Yesterday was just horrendous.
The vile accusations she was spouting meant we had to physically put her coat on and frog March her to the car to take her back to the home as she was ruining Christmas dinner for all in earshot.

We tried to hard to make it a lovely treat for her but it totally backfired.

Im done. Just done.

It is really not them, it is the disease talking. My mother had a large family and she always worked. At 93 she was so upset that although she kept applying for jobs ( not true, no longer able to hold a pen) she said no one would give her a job. She worried everyone would think she was lazy. My friend's mother worried about the German soldiers living in her house who kept eating her food. It is rubbish but they truly cannot help it and trying to frighten them to get back at them for their ridiculous comments is just cruel.
There isn't a cure for dementia and it is rare for anyone who lives to be ninety odd, not to have some form of vascular dementia. Arteries narrow with age and stops the blood supply to to the brain. It is a completely depressing , cruel and incurable disease.
How would you want to be treated? Everyone says they would rather die but the reality is many millions of older people round the world have or will develop dementia.
We just let my mother talk and after a while she would forget about the stuff that was distressing her.
It is a good idea to support your family member . Be compassionate and understanding.

I think being compassionate and understanding is just about everyone’s default position. However, over time the elderly person who is firing the bullets and being wilful can destroy the MH of the family member or carer doing the helping.
Quite genuinely if this has being going on a long time and the 90 yr old refuses to allow professional help or support, I’d be persuading the caring relative to take a huge step back if they are suffering. A crisis and a social work intervention will be the only way to move this to the next level. (Which is probably carers attending even though they won’t be welcome and this has failed before.)

The trouble is that dementia doesn't reach a point and stop. Eventually if they live with the disease long enough, they will become non verbal and ultimately bed bound and unable to eat or drink. A care home will be the only option.

This was us summer last year. It was horrendous.

The paranoia and accusations are usually a sign of Alzheimer's/dementia and you and the carer need to contact the GP of the relative and give them a full assessment of the situation.

Ours was quite good, they couldn't discuss anything about the case with us but they did send in the community psych nurse and adult social care who are well used to dealing with recalcitrant olds.

The behaviour can be controlled by anti psychotics and other meds as appropriate, only then can you start really helping matters. Letting it continue as it is is bad for everyone.