Sandwich Christmas Guilt

[Montypig]

We are going up to see my Elderly Parents (92 frail, 90 dementia) on Xmas day and staying till the afternoon 27th. Whilst there I will stay the entire time, but will spending Boxing Day with IL's. No siblings. They are 4 hours away hence travelling when its least busy.

Going back up early jan for a couple of days. Usually see them once a month or 6 weeks for a couple of nights

I telephone twice a day and do all the admin / paying stuff

Teenage kids and somewhat burnt out husband

I feel deeply guilty that we are not staying longer, yet at the same time, I can't ask my family to miss out on their break.

Tell me I am not being a dreadful daughter pls ?

You're doing great

Thank you - just made me well up a bit !

I did expect a post about your elderly parents only having a sandwich for Xmas dinner, but I get that it’s you that’s the sandwich!

You can only do so much and it sounds like you care and are already doing as much as you can. I assume they have other visitors so it’s not that the only person they ever see is once a month.

Perhaps Christmas isn’t a massive deal to them and they are not expecting a ‘magical’ day like a TV advert? Are your kids and DH spending any time with them?

;) Yes perhaps I should take them a sandwich !

We will all be there till Boxing Day morning.

They have no friends or family anymore( all died) but carers who will come in after the 27th. So its just me, apart from volunteers and one lovely friend of mine who pops in periodically.

Sigh.....

Sounds like you are doing your best, and your best is good enough.

If you were to make a change in the new year, what would it be? Move them closer? Because this all sounds unsustainable to me. You'll be burnt out and good for nothing soon enough. What happens then? Have a think about the changes that are possible. And even the ones that seem impossible.

That is one of the worst things about getting really old. All your siblings, peers and friends die. My Mum died at 86 but I know in the last 3 years of her life her 2 sisters in law who she was very close to both died, her best friend from school died, many other friends died. She looked up to me one day and said I don't have any friends left living now. It must be so sad.

FOUR HOURS away?

You're a bloody saint frankly.

They do have each other!

I hope you can find some Christmas moments of your own in all this.

Thanks all - your right about lonely ! Not just them :) Its lovely to have had somewhere to vent - thank you. I guess its a moment to focus on the positives - they Do have each other ! I think its all the TV families and their sodding perfect Xmas that last for about a month on the TV !

Happy Christmas all

It's really tough, we find it hard at 90 mins due to work and commitments with the DD's (adults but 2 still dependant, sn's). All we can ever do is our best - look out for yourself op, burn out is such a problem for our generation. Would your parents not consider moving to a sheltered flat / extra care community near you?

Yes. My father has lots of friends, but they’re all in their 70s and 80s and find it hard to know what to do to support a near centenarian with cognitive decline in a nursing home 200 miles away. When it comes to extreme old age, you really are dependent on your DC. You can’t buy in all support.

You are doing such a lot already. Very difficult to juggle family and elderly parents. Could you have your ‘Christmas’ together when you get back home - even better if the kids and DH make the food for you.

Thanks all - they didn't move to us when offered and I think we would loose mum completely not in her own home now - We will do a joyful xmas eve and then make the most of seeing them and I will stop torturing myself about things I can't change 😐

You are all wise and kind, thank you

Have you looked in to care homes much closer to you? Or at least assisted living much closer to you?

We have, but they wouldn't be together due to their needs. Thanks all, it worked out beautifully and we had a lovely time. You all made it much easier as I didn't feel quite so alone!