Seniors stealing?

[Tofuckwith2022]

I live at home with my mother who is early 70s. Over the past year I observed some things with my mother where I am now thinking maybe there's something happening with her but I am not qualified to diagnosis her.

My observations are -

• easily angered and raged since 2020.

The episodes were unreal.

• from time to time - limited conversation
• some hoarding and when she takes a motion to clean she gives out to me like a little girl as if her mess is my mess.
• she had items of my clothing.

She takes medications everyday. It's for her eyes.
This morning she was sitting down doing the eye drops and I dipped into her bedroom for a few minutes. I discovered she has a whole entire drawer filled with many items of my underwear.
You can't confuse my underwear with hers. We are completely different sizes. Her obsession seems to be with white underwear. White knickers and bras. Not only that. Over the past few years I started using cloth pads. She has a selection of my cloth pads in her drawer. These are definitely mine. She doesn't shop online and you can't but these locally where I am from. These are online purchases through and through.
You can't confuse these up considering she never had them. She's actively taking and stealing from me.

Over the past year I am thinking maybe it's dementia with her.
I discussed my concerns with our GP but I don't know what the outcome of that appointment was. There is definitely at least a mild cognitive decline with her and I don't know if there's anything else.

I think she knows what she's doing. When she has laundry on the line, I discovered she had items of my underwear amongst her laundry but she was also able to take those items from the line and hide them in her room to prevent me from seeing them on the line. She locks up her room all the time too.
I think she knows what she's doing. Stealing from me. How can it be dementia when she knows to hide my underwear from her laundry wash from me?

Its all so bizarre.

There were episodes this summer where we were out and we were in a coffee shop. She started stuffing her pockets with the sachets of sugars and ketchups saying they are there for people to take.

Another time there was a desk with a box of masks for people to use. She started stuffing her pockets with masks even though we have masks with us and also at home.

So she's definitely stealing.

Is this dementia.

It sounds possible. My mum had a dementia diagnosis last year at 75 but it had been creeping up for a few years by then .

What a difficult situation for you. Another take on the stealing aspect is that dementia sufferers often believe people are stealing from THEM and report burglaries and become very distrusting of those around them including family members. In her head she may very well believe the items are hers and her habit of locking her room may be to prevent you stealing them from her!

To be fair I've also leaned this year that urinary infections, eyesight problems and medication side effects can all make elderly patients confused or delusional.

There are quite robust tests for dementia I believe and it may be possible to go on medication that delays it's progress. So don't worry about being "too soon".

She was particularly nasty during 2020 at points in the year. Nasty anger for no reason whatsoever just exploding.

It was last winter when I began to piece together things and think of maybe something like dementia happening with her. The thing is, is that it's showing up as a typical forgetfulness as such. It's other things. It's showing up as confusion sometimes and then stealing. I first became aware of her taking my belongings when I found one of my bras hanging up on a sock holder amongst her laundry. She never washes my clothes. I have my own laundry basket in my room. She never puts away my clothes either. I thought maybe it got mixed with her stuff and thought nothing of it. Until another week or two goes by and there was another one of my bras and this time it was one of my favourite bras. It was definitely mine and my size too. I just took it back and said nothing. As time went on, there were more of my underwear and bras showing up amongst her laundry. Since the summer time, she's definitely hiding my stuff now and then sometimes I see my stuff. Last week she had a bundle of clothes and sticking up from it was a tag from knickers with my size. Size 20. She is a size 12.

Then this morning I decided to dip into her room to have a quick look. There's loads of my underwear in a drawer and also cloth pads. She's definitely stealing from me. It's all so bizarre. What use does she have with pads? If there's incontinence, it's going to be useless for that.

I am just somewhat in pure shock of what I found. And what is likely happening and what is likely in store for me.

My other siblings live abroad and I am on my own with her.

I think when my siblings were at home, all her focus was on them and when they left, some issues emerged.

I wonder if its likely dementia brewing or if she's doing it for attention or something else. It's so weird. Her obsession is mainly white underwear. It's so strange.

As someone else pointed out, see if the GP will test for a UTI and also things like undiagnosed diabetes where the high blood sugar can cause aggression.

Make sure she takes in enough fluids every day excluding sugary drinks, maybe with a chart.

I have no idea if there's anything else brewing with her. She doesn't usually get sick. So I have no idea if a uti is there. I bought a box of home uti tests but to be honest I am afraid to give them to her because goodness knows where I will find a cup of pee. I did discuss my concerns with out gp back in the summer time and she was called in for a check up. If there was an infection surely it would be found then?

I have no idea how I am going to proceed going forward. So far when I see my underwear amongst her stuff I keep quite instead of confronting. I wonder would it be a good idea to laugh about it and make a joke about it with her instead of confronting her.

At this stage I can't deny that's there's something not happening but it's all so vague and subtle.

Do you get your stuff back?
You could put your initials on the wash labels … or take photos to have evidence
Im sure she will deny

DM sounds like she is becoming obsessive to replace other activity in her life
No two dementia presentations are identical. My DM used to hoard toiletries and constantly buy more. My friend’s mum
had about 30 teapots. Another’s had over 100 outdoor coats. All eventually had dementia although these behaviours were maybe five years earlier….
i would be trying to find separate accommodation if you can afford to live elsewhere, although I understand that might not be possible.

This could be caused by many treatable things, but as you have asked about dementia what comes to my mind based on personal experience is potential behavioural variant frontotemporal dementia (bvFTD). It is so hard to say but any noticeable changes in behaviour, stealing, hoarding etc. do sound like my experience of FTD. You just know yourself when something is "off" with someone you are close to.

When I was searching the NHS website to try and work out what was going on with my close family member the thing that jumped out at me from the list of symptoms was the hoarding and also a new-found obsession with sweet foods. There was also new frustration and anger towards certain people that hadn't been present previously. The symptoms of FTD are quite unusual and of course not everyone will have all of them. Memory problems tend to come later but are not usually obvious until the middle or later stages.

As others have said, having bloods done at the doctor will highlight any vitamin deficiencies/hypothyroid/urine tests for UTI etc. that could be a more benign cause of this change in behaviour and they can also do a mini cognitive test.

Checking language fluency (how many animals can be named in a minute/words beginning with certain letters etc.) can be useful for investigating potential FTD specifically (as opposed to a more memory-based decline) because the affected part of the brain controls speech/language as well as behaviour. You could try that at home as a light hearted 'game' if it is difficult to convince your mum to visit the doctor. That would just be to give you more info to tell the doctor and maybe encourage them to do a scan even though memory etc. seems fine.

Sorry to have gone on for so long, I am just basing this on my own experience and what we went through in the early stages which sounds vaguely similar to this.

I hope you are able to get to the bottom of this soon, it does not end up being dementia and that your mum recovers well. Trying to work out what is going on and the waiting game can be very draining mentally on you so sending love.

I'm not sure why you would use UTI test strips, honestly. Far better to see her GP, get full testing done and a face-to-face assessment of everything that's going on.

Isn't this the third thread you've had under different usernames? Do you think you're going to get any different advice this time than on the previous times?