Any advice grateful

[FishersGate]

This may not be the right board so apologies in advance.

MIL is very unwell in hospital has been for a month. Sudden cancer diagnosis and complications following emergency operation, 79. She's not in HDU or anything but has heart issues prob arising from operation. Fil died many years ago.

Been With DH 26 years two primary aged children. We have very different backgrounds i lost my parents when I was very young.

I have always had tense relationship with MIL, never arguments etc but many times DH has put her first (including issues around our children's births)or accepted her side of things without question. Mil can be manipulative and plays heavily on DH with guilt, she has expected him to take FIL role after he passed.

Obviously DH is under a great deal of strain and he is using me as an emotional punchbag, mainly because mil is also using him as one. However quite a few times he has stated to me he regrets the relationship I had/have with his DM it could have been better, he wishes he could have tried more to understand my point of view however he doesn't believe DM did many things wrong. He stated there are things I have done he feels really angry about and he won't forget them. He has always spoken to mil every day, seen her 5/6 times a week throughout our marriage. But he wishes he had done more etc. He doesn't talk to me except for trivial things. He has stated if mil is able to leave hospital he would like her to move in she lives 10 minutes away.

Its making for a very unhappy marriage and household at the moment. More worryingly will we ever get through this especially when something happens to mil.

I am obviously very upset with the things he has said as I feel I am being blamed solely for issues in our wider relationship. He is obviously resentful of me.

I am trying to take it as I understand he has a lot to process and emotionally it is horrendous for him.

But how do I cope and support best and does anyone have any words of advice ?

I have suggested he speaks to GP for coping mechanisms as this could carry on for a long time. I am trying to keep Christmas going for our children too

I read your post and then went back though to look for the words "guilt" and "manipulative" because the speaking every day and calling five days a week was a thing in my marriage. MIL finally overplayed her hand and my husband saw for the first time that she was pulling his strings and then that was the end of that stage of the relationship for him, she never again had the control that she had before.

I would steer him to the GP and (if you have the money) try to get a therapist that specialises in family relationships. I don't think the issue is your relationship with MIL, but your husband's. He's not going to see that though, he's been raised not to. He's going to guilt you as his mother guilts him - it's normal in the family. You have to decide for yourself what is normal in the family you have together and it might be more than awkward, there might be screaming rows but the alternative is putting MIL first for the rest of her life. Your relationship with his mother isn't for him to define, police or control, he doesn't get to tell you how you feel towards her.

(You might be better off on the relationship board because this is your issue, the age of his mother is irrelevant, it's the relationshhip between them and your relationship with them that is the main thing. You can flag it and ask for it to be moved there)

Thank you. I am in there too but obviously the added complication is that she is ill in hospital and has been for a month. This may get worse and it may improve. I am supporting as I can doing everything esle etc.

But i don't know how to support when he is cold towards me doesn't talk etc it's very difficult.

I have asked for him to call GP he think he is coping. SIL is very similar and relies on him for emotional support rather than her DH.

Unfortunately if I suggest the relationship is unhealthy I get shouted ignored screamed at

I'm looking at @Knotaknitter 's reply to you and I see myself in your husband's position. My husband made enormous sacrifices for me to continue the relationship I had always had with my parents. I am an only child and my mum's side of the family were extremely close. I was expected to have the same relationship with my parents that my mother and her sister had with theirs. There was a lot of love and practical help on both sides but it was suffocating for me and there were zero boundaries in place. Like your husband, I wish my husband and my mum had had a better relationship. You are in exactly the position my husband was in two years ago. I would spend all evening with my mother (along with countless visits through the day) and would be left feeling I had not done enough and I would come in and take it out on DH.

My mum went into hospital and then into a home 18 months ago and it is only now that I am able to look back at the whole picture that I realise how much my husband put up with.

I really do feel for both of you. The only thing I can do is offer you hope that you can come out the other side.

Thank you. I am sorry for what you have been through. DH has a sister but she relies on him heavily and emotionally despite her having a DH too. More so since the loss of their DF. Mil doesn't have any family

I am trying obviously to do what I can go support but I had a very difficult childhood and completely different upbringing so some of this may be my projection.

Unfortunately some of the things being said to me are obviously extremely hurtful and whilst I understand the struggle I don't know how to be an emotional punchbag, the situation is very unsettled with MIL from one day to the next.

Whilst this isn't about me and our children. Talk of him moving out to look after her etc is obviously concerning she lives 5 minutes by car. It's the unknown and how to manage this.

I would not allow her to move in with you under any circumstances.

If he arranged a live in carer for her in her own home he will still need to be very involved with her care, multiple visits, shopping, bill paying and so on.

It will work better if she could go into a very local care home, if he is willing.

You could offer to go with him to look at them.

He can then be a son to her rather than a carer.

This is the path to strongly encourage him to take.

Unfortunately if I suggest the relationship is unhealthy I get shouted ignored screamed at
Okay, so that doesn't work, don't bother doing that.This is one of those "you can only control you" things.
So the old, ignore undesirable behaviour, reward good.
If he wants to move in to look after his Mum, "You must do what you think is right... safest to have a backup plan as well though in case you get ill ".
If he wants Mum to move in with you "I really don't think that will work, she needs her own place, not to be living in someone else's home" (best not say "I will leave / swing for her and you" !!! Even if you feel that).

And do what you can to make your life good so you have the emotional resilience to stay calm and grey-rock the stuff that drives you nuts.

I assume you're already providing practical help to support him in his reasonable efforts re his sick Mum (getting quotes from undertakers and praying for her merciful release don't count).

As we all do she will die eventually so 'this too will pass'.