DH siblings doing sweet SA about DMIL care

[ArtfullyCrumpled]

That's just it. DMIL lives on her own aged 90. Visually impaired. Poor hearing won't wear hearing aid Poor mobility. She's v independent and wants to keep up maintenance of the house and out buildings and land.

She has minimal savings but the out buildings are a worry. Leaking Nd need new roofing.

My DC is only sibling who loves locally, sees her every day, does shopping arranges bills etc

I'm hearing more from DH tonight about how they treat him, "he only stays for 5 minutes" and it's driving me insane because I know that myself and DH do so much for DMIL. I give up my time, DH gives up ALL OF SATURDAY and EVERY EVENING of our life for caring for his mother. He is there for every appointment and conversation- everything.

Siblings come on holiday and point out things that need to get sorted. I am so ready to erupt I love my DH so much!

I work for social services and this is something I hear time and time again. Quite often one child does it all and the others do zilch but have an opinion on everything.

DH should take a step back for a weekend and tell his siblings they've got to come and help. Then watch the tumbleweed!

It sounds frustrating as hell, there is no doubt about that. But what is also frustrating is the expectation from your mil. I was your DH (without any siblings - only child), and singlehandedly trying to maintain my DMs independence almost broke me - especially during lockdown! I think conversations need to be had about getting more help in.

Truthfully, the problem is not the siblings but your DMil’s refusal to future proof her situation over the last decade.

However, the siblings sound like they are more interested in their inheritance than making her more comfortable and trying to reduce the caring burden that’s landed on your DH.

I have been on both sides of this.

With my mum I was the only one to give any help whilst others stood on the sidelines giving opinions but no practical help, despite me being the only one with young children, job, and a husband who worked away.

With my MIL DH and I are now taking a back seat. For years we have tried to get MIL to look ahead and make some plans. She didn’t want to downsize, didn’t want to get a downstairs wet room, didn’t want a stairlift, didn’t want to have outside help. DH’s sibling always took mums side against whatever DH suggested.

My DH is late 50’s and is being treated for cancer whilst still trying to run his company. He visits once a week and does a few cleaning/diy jobs but neither of us are in a position to offer any more help.

Its not fair that it all falls to your husband but the one being unfair is your MIL. A 90 year old with hearing, vision and mobility problems cannot live independently.

Ultimately we all have to take responsibility for and live with our own decisions. It was your (and my) MIL’s choice to live as they have and it’s your husbands
choice to support her just as it’s the siblings choice not to.

Ultimately she has made the choice to stay in inappropriate housing rather than look for somewhere suited to her needs
This leaves everyone in an extremely difficult position, what usually happens is one person (the one who feels the greatest sense of duty) steps up a little bit, everyone else then feels able to take 10 large paces back knowing that the person who has taken the burden on will not be able to put it down and they can just stand back and watch😕

Your MIL can’t live independently if she’s visually impaired, hearing impaired, has poor mobility and needs your DH to do things for her every day. An independent person would be able to shop, do bills and do household chores without much support.

Your DH needs to take a backseat.Your MIL needs to go into a home instead of treating her son as an unpaid carer and the other siblings are allowed to get on with their lives.

I mean from my POV your DH is enabling her to continue in a way that perhaps isn't in her (and your!) best interests - if she can't manage or afford to manage her current house, requires seeing every day / shopping being done for her / bills being paid etc - then perhaps a higher level of care is needed than you and DH can provide.

The other siblings aren't obligated to care for an elderly parent, it would be nice perhaps if they wanted to - but caring for an elderly parent can be completely draining, time consuming, put a strain on relationships etc etc. It shouldn't really be expected of anyone in my opinion.

You're either happy to support your MIL, or you're not - putting expectations on other people to do the same level of helping your DH has been doing isn't really fair to them.

Very similar situation to us, we are the only ones who bother with DMIL.
We have her round every evening for dinner, we lend her money, we go round and clean her house for her, take her to appointments etc.

She's now on about wanting to move in with us as she gets older. SIL thinks this is a great idea and is encouraging it.

Love DMIL but can't live with her and very annoyed SIL is encouraging it while meanwhile only makes the effort to see her once a year for a few days at best!

@onefedupmum
SIL has very successfully played you both, she is sitting pretty and you are lumbered, and about to get even more lumbered☹️

I agree with monsteronahill

decide what you want to do, and how you spend your time

you can't decide what others will do or how they spend their time

no point on getting annoyed with them, it’s their choice what they do. Same as you have a choice regarding what you do

Every evening?? My grandparents are in their 70s and 80s. They can make their own meals, clean their own houses, and travel to their own appointments.

I agree but the other siblings want their inheritance and they will make him feel so guilty so that he won't be able to cope with putting her in a home, he's trapped, they've got him over a barrel and they know it

Absolutely nobody is obligated to care for a parent. If your DH doesn't want to do it, he should step back. Or perhaps make arrangements for her to move to a care home. Being a martyr won't achieve anything

Yep tell me about it! She's not even in her 60s yet so it's quite daunting.

You could be describing my gran and mum.
My mum is one of 4 and does 100% of the donkey work. I live overseas and I have flown over to help with gran way more often than my RETIRED relatives have ever done. Breaks my heart to see how run down and resentful my mum is getting.
When your MIL eventually passes away, at least your DH will be at peace knowing he did his best for her.

Bloody hell, I'd be having stern words with your SIL over that one!

As pp have said, she is not living independently. Sounds like she needs more care than DH and you are able to provide. Whatever their motivations, the other siblings are clearly not going to provide any care.

Rather than complaining about the siblings' behaviour, perhaps it's time to investigate other care options. Has she been assessed by social services?

Your MIL is in her 50s and she can’t clean her own house, make her own dinner, and take herself to her appointments? She needs a word with my grandparents who are in their 70s and 80s and super independent! My 81 year old grandma lives alone and my dad’s parents (70s) live together.

You need to start saying no and set up boundaries.

@onefedupmum
You sound as if youre resigned to it?
I hope you can take control and set up some boundaries straight away otherwise she will move in with you dominate and ruin your lives, she doesn't care about you, she only cares about herself. She sounds as if she's about the same age as me, I'm off out for a 5mile run soon, I don't need any help or assistance what on earth is wrong with her??

Is she from a traditional culture where it is customary to turn your children into your slaves?

Set up a WhatsApp group and constantly update them EVERY SINGLE TIME you and your husband visit or do anything for mil.
Every single night when your h visits mil, get him to write a little update... "mil good this eve, drop off her milk etc.."

This thread is making me feel a whole lot better. I’m an only one in my mid sixties with a very elderly mum, same problems as OP poor mobility etc etc plus heart probs.If they have the capacity to choose where they want to live, and I mean they don’t have dementia or worse, then they have to take responsibility for their choices.
You shouldn’t be doing more than you feel able or want to do. I’ve recently had a chat with mum and myself about this.
She now has carers four times a day which she hates. I visit twice a week, still do shopping, bills , appointments which is more than enough. The guilt is terrible,I can’t shake that off but I owe it to my DH and the rest of my family. Good luck.

Coooosd

while this idea is useful to make clear how much they do, it doesn’t compel anyone else to help. People are free to help or not help, and it sounds like OP and her husband are the ones who live nearby and are choosing to spend their time helping. They don’t have to do this. The other siblings may not be able to, due to distance, and also may simply not want to spend their time doing this.

a list of tasks done each day doesn’t change any of that

I've been in the situation of one of her husband's siblings, I had very good reasons not to help more apart from not wanting to enable my parent to not face reality and adapt.

Each sibling has their own parent child relationship and that needs to be respected. Her husband has made his choices but is not responsible for other people's choices.

Your dh is enabling his Mother to avoid addressing the fact she is not able to live independently.

His siblings are quite sensibly staying out of it.

I know it's really hard but unless dh wants to spend every evening and all day Saturday with his mother rather than live his own life, he needs to get tough.