To ring or not to ring?

[Dionysiana]

For context, my childhood memory of my now 86 year old mother is of a nose pinched white with fury. I cannot remember a single hug, kiss or bedtime story, but do remember many putdowns, being left alone when ill and slaps.

That all changed when I left home, and my mother suddenly erected a monument to a suffocatingly close mother-daughter relationship. Obviously, I went along with it for a good long while, desperate for her love and approval, until a boyfriend pointed out to me that it wasn’t normal that she’d blamed me for my sexual abuse as a child.

I never went no contact, but I kept my distance after that, to the extent of moving to a different country.

My father died 3 years ago. I went back to the UK nurse him (pancreatic cancer, wanted to die at home). He had enabled my mother, but had shown me love when she wasn’t around (the one time he stood up for me, she walked out: only for a few hours, but he never did again). She was awful to him as he was dying. Not just unloving but actively nasty. I had to physically protect him.

I stayed with her for a month after his death to sort stuff out, but once I came home I could hardly bear to speak to her. I went to therapy to deal with/overcome this.

Now, 3 years later, she’s frail, having falls, forgetful, unable to cope with the world, and very, very needy. She’s hinted several times that I should go back to look after her, but I've learnt from MN that if she isn’t willing to leave her home to go into care, she can’t expect someone else to leave theirs to looks after her. The FOG is strong but I resist.

The other day on Skype, she recounted several stupid things she’d done (ranting about a neighbour who helps her a lot, saying very sexist stuff about women, behaving stupidly about a possible scam) and I called her out (I’d had a bad day a had run right out of patience). She hasn’t rung me since (5 days), when she normally rings me every morning or at least every other morning.

Should I take advantage of the peace and let it drag on, or should I ring her? I ask because my heart tells me just to let it run but the FOG interferes. WWYD?

Just to say I really feel for you, I’m in this situation with my mother and whatever decision you make can be incredibly hard. Hopefully others come along and advise as I’m in the same situation.

I wouldn’t call her and I wouldn’t make much contact either. She is very lucky you have done as much as you have but ultimately she wasn’t there when you needed her so why should you be there when she needs you? I say this obviously as someone looking in, I understand you have many emotions around your relationship with her and I hope you do whatever is right for you.

This sounds about right

I love my mother to bits. Not because she's my mum, because she's wonderful and I am so lucky to have her.

If you don't want to help, don't. Sounds like you owe her nothing.

Thanks for your replies; you’ve been a help. Sorry you’re in the same boat, Terryinblackpool. It sucks. But I guess I’ll just go about my business tomorrow and every other day, without worrying about ringing. The problem with using the silent treatment as punishment (my mother has form for this) is that eventually it becomes a relief rather than a punishment.

I would just feel really relieved about the break actually. I think she'll cave in before you. If she can't take care of herself, she needs to go into a nursing home. It would be very different if you had a different relationship but that that's the way it is and it's tough luck on her really.