Mum (81) refuses to make plans for Christmas. Wwyd?

[crispinglovershighkick]

I've been staying with my mum (who lives alone abroad) more or less on my own since March (two trips home, one visit from my DH). She was meant to come back to the UK with me for Christmas but it has become very complicated and possibly not a great idea due to a (resolving) back injury and a resultant problem navigating stairs.

I feel we're at a sort of turning point where she isn't exactly able to take the reins of any plan but she is almost optimistic to a fault and when she hopes for a resolution she thinks it will appear. I'm just not sure how proactive to be without offending her or making her angry (she's already expressed exasperation that I don't want to leave her on her own and seems to think it will work out).
I'm supposed to fly home next week to spend Christmas with DH who has taken some time off work. I plan to return in a month.
DM plays along with getting some plans in place but when I get the details it turns out to be 10% a realistic scenario and 90% magical thinking. Also to be fair life is unpredictable and the friend who she thought was available over Christmas (debatable whether this was true or an assumption on mum's part) now has covid.
She has tons of friends - both close friends and longstanding acquaintances from various activities she's done for years. She won't properly reach out to them.
I keep going in circles.
I'm an only child. Mum's default family plans (mum's brother and his family usually invite her) have been scuppered by (long story) an errant relative who stayed with her last year and made themselves unwelcome, so now she's avoiding them.
Of course the elephant in the room is that she needs more help in general and her needs are evolving in a way that's hard to understand except in retrospect. But it's so hard getting her to cooperate.
Argh any suggestions welcome.

I'm really sorry as I think I may not be understanding the full picture. It sounds like you have an overall worry that your mum is starting to get past being able to manage alone day to day, either physically or mentally; and an additional worry that she'll be alone at Christmas because she's not strong enough to fly to you and not robust enough to ask others?

If I've got this right, it would seem to me that the biggest worry is the overall one. Do you think she would try a daily carer for a bit due to her back injury?

If you're going over in January, maybe have a delayed Christmas then?

I would go home and spend Christmas with my own family, I get she is also family, but maybe she's not bringing it up because she wants to stay but doesn't want to put you in a difficult position or make you feel like you're leaving her alone If that makes sense. If that's not the case and she's being difficult resulting in a lonely Christmas, it might teach her a lesson

Yeah I'm sure I'm not communicating it very well because I'm probably too close to it and trying to leave out loads of other complications (eg her puppy 😐) for brevity.
But yes, your summary is pretty good.
She isn't at the carer stage yet. She's just a bit slower than usual and overestimates her abilities. Thinks that theoretical, untested things are realistic. Good at deflecting things for 'later'. Trying to get her to do some gentle walking is like pulling teeth. She's no longer in pain or on painkillers and is having physio 3x per week, doing well.
I've tried to get her onboard with a 'helper' who can come a couple of times a week to take her prescriptions, take her for a walk etc but she's so slippery, I can't even explain how hard it is to know how reliable she is. I guess it's a bit like judging when to let your child walk to the shops alone, but in reverse.
Also wasn't sure how much of her fuzzy thinking was down to tramadol, but she's slowly come off the meds now (according to GP instructions).

And thanks for your considerate reply PermanentTemporary

Yes that all makes sense. I think she often expects that things will magically resolve because I magically resolve them.
The idea of learning a lesson just doesn't apply at this age I'm afraid. The magical thinking persists. Last year she said she was going to her brother's and on Christmas Day I rang and found out she was sitting at home alone, probably with no nice food or gifts because everyone thought she'd be at my uncle's.
If left alone she'd just make the best of it I think. She's never been sentimental about Christmas, not since I was a child.
But I would feel awful and I already feel like I'm being judged by her friends, who possibly don't even know I'm here with her all this time. So really it's a matter of what I can live with I think.

And thank you for your reply Whyisitthiscoldalready

Just getting this out of my head and on the screen where other people can read it has been helpful. My brain feels a bit scrambled, I've been trying to put a variety of options into place all at once (can I book her dog into a kennel? book it a pet passport and a place in the hold on my flight? secretly email all mum's friends and hope someone will offer to invite her? order her some nice food for Chrismas and put it in the freezer? etc) and can't seem to get any of them over the finish line.

Breaking it down into bite size pieces... ordering the nice food for the freezer is a good plan. It won't waste, she has the option of having it, or you can help use it when you are back there. One job down.

Are you currently staying with her because she needs help? Or because you want to visit?

What impact is your long stay having on your relationship with your DH? Do you have children yourself? How old are they?

It's seems an unusual situation be be in, and I'm not sure I understand what caused it in the first place

She's an adult, maybe she doesn't want to fuss over Christmas. Just let her be, arranging ongoing care is a different matter.

There is a time in life where you need to focus on your present and future rather than pandering to whatever they want. Decisions should be taken according to what works best for all parties, not just your mum.

You have seen your mum far more than you have seen your husband for a long while, now you may leave him alone in Christmas as your mum doesn’t make her mind. How long can your own relationship survive the distance? How long can your husband stay on the back burner? Your mum can live for many more years and your relationships may be gone before she is gone.

Be realistic, can you and your brother share the costs of paint for a carer? Could you take turns on when you are “on call”? Could she move near to where you normally live?

Thanks, yes it would be an easy thing to tick off my list.

I originally came to travel with Mum to some of her appointments, then I had some concerns about the relative who was staying. Mum didn't tell me relative was staying, it was a long trail of breadcrumbs until the penny dropped. When I got here that situation sort of detonated (not a dripfeed, just not sure what part is relevant). Then I stayed to make sure that door was closed and relative wouldn't return. Then she had a serious injury to her back which was treated as a painful muscular injury for 6wks (standard treatment) until she had an MRI, so I stayed to help.
Staying with her is 75% very pleasant, 25% worrying or upsetting.
When I met DH he knew that my mum and I have a relationship that involves spending long periods of time together, then periods apart, and agreed explicitly to the arrangement. We bought a house to facilitate this (but there are some stairs, which may now be a problem). She and I live thousands of miles apart so this often suits. He has suggested that I postpone my flight and he can come to visit, this wasn't my suggestion (and really it isn't ideal for either of us). We also give a lot of support to his parents.
We have no kids. The brother is my uncle (mum's brother), not my brother.

To clarify I mean when DH and I moved in together we looked for a house where there would be room for my mum to stay, not that we bought a house specially for her or that we moved to accomodate her or whatever.

I wouldn't be leaving him alone for Christmas, he suggested that he would come here. Or he could go to his parents'.
I'd prefer not to get sidelined into worrying about DH, he and I would love to be together but it's not like we're at cross purposes, he has input on all these decisions.

It's really difficult to let go of what other people think about your treatment of relatives at Christmas. I know that as I recently posted emotionally about the staff at my mum's nursing home and what i believe they feel about our visits.

But it doesn't sound like your mum is genuinely incapable of making her own decisions, though increasingly she may be husbanding her resources and energy.

I agree that making sure there is food in the freezer is a good call.

Is she religious at all? Could a local minister be alerted to try and make sure she gets along to a place of worship? Might there be something low key like a community Christmas lunch?

That's a good call, I've talked myself down this afternoon and I won't do any more fussing over it.
She had a religious upbringing (Catholic school) but in light of the CSA scandals is no longer a churchgoer. She sees herself as a free spirit and independent thinker so maybe I should give more weight to that and let her be.
If another one of her friends whispers 'how is she doing?' in my ear I may wobble though.

Meant to say I'm sorry to hear about your own situation. It's difficult when others judge without seeing the whole picture.

Hmm maybe the answer should be 'oh, well how do you think she's doing?' If they're such a good friend!

😃Will keep that in mind!

Maybe you just have to accept DM is fine with not having plans, it could be a pressure she doesn't need. Why don't you do a little bit of prep before you leave. Buy in easy to make snacks, food, preserves etc that she likes and can enjoy. Get some festive fizz, juice, nice teas. Buy some cured meats or something she can pick at. Get home and enjoy your time with DH. I know it is a thought but your DM sounds breezy and optimistic, just enjoy going out again in a month. Leave a nice surprise gift under tree.

Could you run to booking her into a hotel, and the puppy in kennels?

How are things, @crispinglovershighkick ? I hope you managed a peaceful Christmas.