Angry outbursts - how to handle?

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Struggling with angry outbursts from elderly MIL who is housebound now. We take really good care of her and she also has carers coming in. We've practically put our own lives on hold to drop everything to care for her. But she regularly attacks us - mainly directed at her son - saying you don't care etc, but said in a really angry way, very nasty and spiteful, face flushed, almost shaking with anger etc. Then the next day, she'll say thanks for coming, nice to see you. It's not exactly new for her to be angry - for as long as I've known her, she's always been very difficult at times and had outbursts about hating different aspects of her life but it is now much more directed at us, although I'm sure that she's fully aware of what she's doing and I think it somehow makes her feel better to hurt us. No dementia diagnosed - potentially could be early stages but I don't think it is this, or certainly not the main cause just angry because she's old and also because she genuinely doesn't like us (or anybody really!). Long history of being manipulative and frankly not very nice or ever supportive to us in any way. So we're really sat here now thinking what the hell - we do everything for you when we're certainly under no obligation, and yet this is how we get treated.

Phew - moan over! Now the thing is - what is the best response? To ignore? Walk off? Challenge it? If so, how? Dh struggling to deal with it so will probably be me who will have to provide any response. Currently I just say no that's not true, she carries on ranting then after an awkward few mins we make our excuses and go (it always happens when we've already chatted, done any jobs and things are 'winding up' anyway).

Any advice please?

What a difficult situation
I think I would walk away immediately stating that you are not going to put up with being shouted at. Give her no response to her saying ‘you don’t care about me’. Leave it in the air. Just state you are leaving and say goodbye.
It sounds a bit like a toddler tantrum and they’re only fuelled by responding to them and getting a reaction.
Do it each and every time. She’ll either stop or carry on but you know that you have visited, helped out around the house and checked on her.

I wouldn’t be “making my excuses”, I’d be making it clear I was going because I didn’t like being shouted at.

Sometimes the first signs of dementia are people acting out of character. But even if she can’t help it, you don’t have to submit to it.

whatever you do, don’t let it get to you. It may be directed to you, but it’s not actually aimed at you specifically as you’ve identified.

Thank you for the responses. It's not out of character as such, just got a bit more nasty and personal more so than before. But I do think she knows exactly what she's doing and it's done maybe partly out of resentment and frustration but also because she enjoys upsetting us.

I'm not good at confrontation so yes absolutely we've been making excuses to leave rather than either just walking out or saying not here to be shouted at. Feels like we can't win though - if we challenge it then it escalates further, if we ignore it we feel like pathetic sitting ducks. Need to plan a simple response followed by quickly leaving I think.

Boundaries. Keep your boundaries- next time she gets angry say very calmly, "you know that isnt true- we love you and are doing as much as we can for you, please dont speak to us like that or we will be leaving/end the conversation". Then rinse repeat and leave or shut the conversation down immediately. Once she realised the tantrums arent getting the desired result it will reduce. You have to impose consequences for petulant behaviour like that - its rude and you dont have to be her punching bag simply because she is feeling a certain way. You can do this in a calm, kind and assertive way so it doesnt have to be mean spirited but stay firm.

Looks like it is triggered when she knows you will be off soon if you’ve spotted that pattern.
I would do exactly as others have said about ending the visit promptly after saying why you are leaving.
All I would add is that she might not actually want you to go and puts on this front to protect herself. My guess would be she is lonely ( but potentially toxic)

Rehearse a script/actions for when it starts and practice at home. The minute it starts stand up, say something like "we won't tolerate your shouting or ingratitude and are going now" and walk out. Be prepared, and follow through.

I'd agree with others about handling it. It does sound like fear of being alone in some way triggering it.

Could you broach it really openly when she's calm and ask her what's going on with the shouting?

Your MIL has not really changed; all that has happened now is that she is now old and abusive. Reading Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward could be helpful to you.

What does your DH, her son, think of his mother nowadays?. How do they get on?.

Do not be her punching bags any longer. Withdraw completely when she turns on you and do not further keep putting your lives on hold for her. Do not justify argue, defend or explain your decisions.

This may be useful to you:
podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/how-to-cope-with-a-difficult-older/id1567190358?i=1000552542516

She also knows that you are not very good at confrontation and plays on that to her advantage. She figured that out re you both a long time ago.

As soon as she starts I'd say, I can see you're getting cranky again, so we're off. Bye. And go.

How old is she?
Going against the currrent a bit but if she is quite aged it might make it easier for everyone to just try to agree and distract. 'Yes, that must be so difficult, I'm sorry about that. I wonder what's on tv now' sort of thing. And then of course do get out of there as soon as is practical, no point in sitting and being abused.
My lovely mum sometimes gets in a corner where she will say anything to oppose my point of view no matter how convoluted her argument. It's often when she's tired or hungry. No signs of dementia as such but she's in her 80s and had a minor stroke years ago.
I don't relish dealing with this and agreeing with some of her odd argments, it just is easier for everyone. At some stage there just isn't any point in trying to establish boundaries, they will default to wherever they are now so in my view it's best to meet them there.
Of course if she's 59 and has a history of being abusive just ignore the above 😀
Often age-related changes and dementia don't look like a personality change, traits that have always been there can be magnified.

My dm is the same.
I never know how I’m going to be met.
Im almost scared to go alone in case she starts on me. Never my brother but this week he saw how nasty she can be to me.
She said to me yesterday ‘And you!! You just want to live a gilded life!’

We’ve decided that if we visit and she’s awful, we stay 10 minutes. Not easy when she’s 50 miles away.
If she’s pleasant, we stay a couple of hours.
Its so hard x

Yes I think she is lonely - because of her own behaviour she has fallen out or pushed away most people. Her son (my dh) acts only out of duty - she mainly directs the hostilities at him and has never been loving or supportive towards him. I think yes that I am definitely seen as a soft touch - I feel a mug/fool at times, she definitely is a master manipulator and knows it too! Not just towards me but other people too. I feel that my response must always be polite and respectful even though we are treated as anything but so it's not a level playing field. She knows that and plays on it big time. I think I need to up my game and start calling out unpleasant behaviour and walking away from it, but yes distraction and ignoring it has its place too. It's all just so emotionally draining - however you deal with it. Thank you for the responses x

Elderly people can get very aggressive & nasty towards the end of their life, my nan was the gentlest woman you could know until just before she got diagnosed with lung cancer & she was awful to my mum. she accused her of stealing money when in reality she had paid their electricity bill with money they had given her, not even the receipt could prove to her she was wrong. Can you ask for her to be tested for a urine infection first & then assessed for dementia?

Atila - thank you for the podcast link - just finished listening to it - incredibly useful and really hit the nail on the head.

I too am going to listen to that podcast. My uncle lives with me and does the same thing . Nasty passive aggressive remarks then sulks and acts affronted when called out. It is getting worse, so bad that I think I can no longer care for him . I found myself actually shouting at him yesterday as he was being so hateful . Toxic atmosphere can not be healthy for anyone. Ironically, if I thought it was dementia, I could almost forgive it . But he has been this narcissistic man all his life. As he it not my parent , I don't even have any strong loving bond with him. At the time , it just felt like the right thing to do.

My mother in in her 70s and has been like that all her life, she has been especially aggressively angry at me (the eldest child), and she’s driven away family and friends over the years with her explosions. I think the root of it is disappointment at how her life turned out (poor, and divorced with not many friendships).

I actively tried to implement boundaries about 7 years ago but she would not respect them and continued the aggression. I no longer have any contact with her and never will again, it was creating far too much stress and unhappiness in me and in the end I decided I could not put up with that behaviour just because she was related to me. I also came to understand we are programmed to accept abusive behaviour from parents or those in a parental role which is not something we accept in a friend.

I have experience of this too. My parent isn’t mean, just a bit melodramatic. I either ignore or, if my young son is with me, I leave. Like your MIL she is generally ok after. I think it’s just frustration, depression and I ‘get it’ to a point though I can’t afford to be dragged down by it and don’t want my son frightened as he has been before. I have said to my mum that I can’t handle everything I handle plus her emotional drama. It’s true, I really can’t.

She is inappropriately shifting her anger and frustration regarding her situation onto you.
Classic toxic behaviour.
Narcissistic are never, ever wrong, they blame and shame shift, otherwise they would implode with their own anger ( some do) and either self harm or develop addiction to cope.
They are unable to develop any type of resilience or healthy coping mechanisms as a result.
I would start to withdraw and get other agencies involved in her care.
When she explodes reply "No thank you" and leave.
No amount of explaining will help

I think you need to look at your watch (or pretend watch) ostentatiously and say “Oh, it’s that time again, is it? I’ll save you the hassle and go now, then…”

Lots of sympathy OP. I too am in a similar situation. I don't have any idea what has caused my DM's anger and hostility. I really don't think it's dementia as she can list who is Prime Minister or President of most countries and doesn't seem forgetful. She is however very angry and flies off the handle very easily. For example she gets very angry if she is interrupted but on Monday I was literally in the middle of saying something about a visit to a family member when she tried to start talking about something else. I then continued with what I'd been saying to be met with screaming and swearing calling me a fucking selfish bitch before slamming the phone down. She also has a habit of saying all the time 'I'm not interested' to things others say. Is this just bad temper and elderly frustration or worrying behavioural changes?