Care home visit

[FlatOutAgain]

Hi, I have not posted on here for a short-while but for those who remember my earlier posts where Mum keeps calling out ambulances then we are a few months down the line and another day another ambulance seems to be the catchphrase. Not surprisingly they are waiting for one to arrive as I type.

Dad is exhausted and not coping and I saw them yesterday and asked Dad how he was and before he could reply Mum said 'he is fine'. I asked again and he said he was finding everything a struggle. When I finally got him on his own, which is very difficult as he is controlled/managed by Mum, he said he was finding everything difficult and he just caves in to her demands which are ambulances. He said he did not want her to go into care.

It is too much for us all (Dad, me and Dh) and we are going to look at our first care home over the next few days. It is an open door policy which means we can just turn up. I am pleased about that as we can see how it runs rather than being managed around during an appointment.

We have tried to find a good home near to Dad so he can visit each day.

I am now in flippin tears thinking about Mum being in care and I have fought against it in my mind everyday but Dad is failing both mentally and physically so I have to do what is right. I get to make the decision with PoA and my DSis and DBrother have not been involved at all as they dont live near to them and dont have PoA.

I have a couple of questions:

I have PoA for health and welfare (as well as finance and property) and my Dh has finance and property as he did not feel comfortable with health. Mum has diagnosed Alzheimers. Do I get to make the decision and can overrule Dad?

What should I look for on a first visit?

thank you very much

I was referred to Care Home Selection by the local Adult Services. They were great and will now look for care homes on our behalf following a phone assessment of Mum's needs. As she is not far away from the upper limit of 23,250 CHS will look for LA Funded which clearly reduces our options. I am not sure if anyone else has used this 'free' service and if so what were you experiences

thank you

I think it has to be a whole family decision, unless there is some historic reason your siblings & DF can't be involved.

We have poa for in-laws but wouldn't make life changing decisions without considering everyone's input, even tho this will probably end up with more drama.

I agree with Wombat. You really want your Dad to buy into the decision. It’s hard, as you may all struggle with the comparisons between home and a care home.

As to what to look for - not an expert but the following struck me when we were doing the same - smell - does it smell pleasant - clean with maybe a warm undertone of nice cooking. If it smells of urine or farts (sorry), I would avoid.

Are there sufficient staff - how’s the staff/ patient ratio. If it’s for Alzheimer’s that ratio needs to be fairly high.

Are the bedrooms pleasant, and what would the outlook be?

Do the other residents look happy, engaged, and if they belong in the clothes they are wearing ?( constant source of frustration was nice things showing up on other residents…)

Its not easy but there’s an element of listening to your gut.
Good luck

If at all possible you need your dad's buy in. What about selling it initially as respite care for a week or two even if you have a permanent space.. He may find it gives him a break to think clearly.

Ask about staff- turnover, how long the manager has been there, watch interaction with residents, look beyond the decor. Many have posh facilities hardly accessed by residents.
look at cqc inspection report- similar to ofsted, but look for red flags. Do residents look cared for?
at several dementia homes we looked at there were residents lurking by the front door trying to sneak out…..

Self funding or council funded? Good advice above. Is your mum interested in food? If so try the food. Sounds like she would benefit from lots of activities too.

It is really tough, but many people thrive in a good care home. They get a really good social life, watchful eye on their food and fluid intake, medication managed well and many people on hand who understand them and their needs.

I asked around on Social Media and was really surprised by some of the messages I had from friends and friends of my kids. I looked at the care home inspections and they seemed wonderful but the comments I had on messenger told a different story. The first place we were offered looked perfect on paper but lots of people had warned me off it. We were offered a place in another home which hadn't even been on my radar because it wasn't on a bus route. I talked it over with family and friends and decided to check it out. From the moment I spoke to the matron on the phone I felt comfortable.

It doesn't look as good in real life as it does on the website but it is lovely. Some of the staff have been there over 20 years which says a lot I think. Mum is always nicely dressed in her own clothes. The staff are genuinely affectionate and kind to the residents. It is really homely.

Thank you for the replies. The Care Home Selection (CHS) now take care of everything. I did a full needs/capability assessment on the phone and the CHS now take that info and find Care Homes, initially within a 7 mile radius, that can take care of her needs and have rooms available. They then send the list to us and if we like them then the CHS arrange a home visit by the care manager or lead care person to assess mum. If we all like each other then CHS manage the admin and agree rates etc. This service is free and I was put onto it by Adult Social Care (Local Authority)

Thank you for the advice and after reading it I agree that I need Dad's buy in but as yet I would have no idea how to go about that. They have been married for 60+ years.

The bus route was a good point thanks.

Given Mum's savings the CHS said that she would quite quickly need to have LA funding therfore she would start looking for Care Homes that accept this. I understand that she will need a care and financial assessment. I would hope that this would be fairly straightforward but maybe I am being overly optimisic. I appreciate that all LAs are different.

I would look first at the staff. How do they interact with residents? Do they seem happy in their work?

my father’s nursing home on paper and in actuality doesn’t look great. His room isn’t large, it’s not en-suite. But the place doesn’t smell, they try hard to cater for residents’ food preference and going to bed/getting up preferences. All the staff know my father by name, a surprising number know me and other regular and not so regular visitors. Manager is very visible and involved. I can visit freely any time, manager is always available to talk about his progress. He is happy there and feels cared for

only thing Im not so sure about is how actively they have tried to keep his mind engaged with activities- but he’s not a man to be cajoled into any sort of group activity.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you that makes a lot of sense