DM suicidal

[ShakerMakerGirl]

I wonder if anyone has any experience or advise on how I should take this forward please?

Sorry this is really long but I think anyone reading this needs the full context of her situation.

My Mother is not elderly but I find this is the only board relevant to her situation.

She is 62, she had MS, trigeminal neuralgia and epilepsy. She is getting progressively worse, her sight is deteriorating, her balance is terrible she has frequent falls and nearly died earlier this year due to a low sodium seizure caused by her medication. She also barely eats so is losing weight and her skin is covered in sores.

She lives alone, I am nearby but have a 5 and 1 year old and work, so it's difficult for me to visit everyday and she also says she wants me to live my own life etc so she wouldn't want me to. I probably see her 3 times a week. I have 2 brothers but they don't help.

Anyway, recently she has been clearing her house saying she doesn't want to leave me a mess when she is gone, she wants to transfer me large sums of money saying she doesn't want it. I have been saying it will be seen as a clear depreciation of assets but she is adamant she will 'drop dead' at somepoint and won't need care anyway. She is very stubborn about this and won't listen to me when I say sometimes you don't always have an option.

She has also been completing DNR form and advance decision.

Her behaviour made me suspicious she wanted to end her life. So I asked her and she said no.
However yesterday her neighbour told me she had a very muddled conversation with her and she thinks she is intending to end her life after Christmas.

I can completely understand that she has a progressive illness and I wouldn't be angry with her for making this choice. But obviously I love my mum and I don't want her to come to any harm.
I just don't know what I am meant to do now. Has anyone got any advice please or experienced similar?

DM did something similar, actually at a similar age. It sounds like she could just getting her affairs in order? She can gift you large sums of money tax free (to yips), if she lives fit another 7 years after the gift. ( it might be a different time period, but I think It's 7 years).

Maybe she is aware of the long term
Progression of her conditions and is being realistic with the DBR?

You may not be able to stop her, but you can make the most of the time you have. Have conversations with her- maybe help her clear stuff out.

What Dotcheck says. Embrace what your DM is saying and doing. From a far, these are the most loving gestures she can make. She is sorting her affairs while she has faculty and acknowledging you are the person giving her most support. Don't knock back her gifts, accept them. You can ring fence them in a savings account in your name. She will feel liberated. Make the most of the quality time with this gem of a mum. She clearly thinks the world of you, too.

Also, the GP can't talk to you about her,
But!
They can definitely listen to what you tell them about her...
Worth a punt perhaps.

Help to her to get her home and affairs in order, that may bring some reassurance. Do you have power of attorney for health and finances? If not talk through her wishes and get that sorted, again it may help her to relax knowing that you’re aware of what she would want should she lose mental capacity

let her GP know your concerns.

Thank you all. I have spoken to her today and she has admitted she is planning to end her life. She doesn't seem depressed at all. She was quite matter of fact about it. She says she doesn't want to lose her independence and end up in care. It's clear her illness is progressing, she admitted her sight is going and she is struggling to swallow. Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your advice and support. Yes I have POA in place x

This sounds really hard for both you and your mum OP. It sounds like she’s given it quite a bit of thought.

I would focus on having lots of quality time together this Christmas and then take each day as it comes.

She sounds like an amazing and clear thinking woman. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to cut life slightly short if it's clear the future only holds suffering and indignity.

You will probably make her days much better by letting her talk about it and not feel alone with it. Tell her you don't want her to end it, if you don't, but it's really an opportunity to give her lots of love and let her leave the world on her own terms.

I have been saying it will be seen as a clear depreciation of assets. Check, obviously, but as far as I know, the only consequence of deprivation of assets is that they’ll treat her as if she still had the money. So as long as you haven’t spent it that’s OK. Or suggest she puts it in a joint account with you - that may satisfy her desire to give it you while not actually giving it away.

She can gift you large sums of money tax free (to yips), if she lives fit another 7 years after the gift. It can be OK tax-wise but still be deprivation of assets.

Thank you. I've spoken to her again tonight and she said she isn't going to do anything yet and see how things progress. Thank you all for your kind advice. I appreciate it.

I'm older than your Mum, but I recognise quite a few of her problems. If I'm truly honest with myself, I stay alive for one reason only. That is to help my daughter. We share a house with her partner, and spilt the bills.

I'm a drag on her. If I need to go out, for health appointments, she takes me. When I socialise, she has to take me. I know she does it all willingly. She does all the shopping, over half of my cooking and laundry.

Despite the fact I know she harbours no resent of me, I hate it.

I guess your Mum does too, but she doesn't have the monthly financial commitment that I do. I guess that's why she want to transfer the money to you. I'm also sorting out my personal possessions. I did the financials and poa a while ago. It's just an acceptance that our end is much nearer than our begining. It's hard, I remember going through my Mums papers years ago with her and it felt like we were throwing her life away.

it's sad, but I think accepting the inevitable is sensible.