Please be gentle. I am in my mid 40s and have an 80 yo mother who lives abroad on her own. She has a lot of friends but is not really in touch with anyone from our family due to all sorts of historical animosities. I speak to her every day sometimes even twice a day and on the phone we have a very good relationship (I think) but when I come over to visit she changes completely and is very unpleasant to me. It has been like that for 20 years and I have been just dealing with it but due to my personal life and mental well being I realised I need to start taking actions and look after myself as well. I have been blaming her age but truly she has always been like that to me, even when I still lived at home. It is only now in my 40s I realised I moved out at 20, married early to escape the controlling environment, then got divorced and kept escaping into further controlling relationships. My mother has her own rhythm of the day and gets up at 5:30/ 6:30 then eating times are also completely different. I suggested many times we just don't bind ourselves by those mealtimes and we have dinner together but each time I visit (although she agrees) she falls back into her old habits and creates dramas and arguments around mealtimes or to play a victim refuses to eat. I tried to take her out to eat few times but she criticises every idea I have, any food I suggest. If on the other hand someone else suggests it it is a wonderful idea. Cutting story short today was again the same story, I rushed home from my errands so she doesn't get upset and we have lunch together but she told me she already eaten - I arrived at time we would normally eat. I asked what she has eaten she told me potato from two days ago. Yes, a potato. She likes playing martyr. I said it is not a nutritious meal and that I need to eat as well so I will prepare something. She lost it, started screaming and went on her knees and flat on the floor screaming like a child that she doesn't want to live anymore, that she can't cope with me around, that I may as well call doctor to take her to mental hospital. I was shocked and really didn't know what to do. I suggested I go to a hotel if she can't cope, to give her some space, she carried on screaming I provoke her with saying that. I was totally confused. She starts being forgetful, confused but there are many good days. So until today I didn't think I need to worry. Now I am really worried. She started taking my random items like biscuits I bought, a jar with pate and nuts plus a carrier bag and tightly wrapped it in a plastic bag so I take it out of the kitchen because it is mine therefore it is in the way. Everything that is mine is in her way. I remember as a child my room had to be immaculate as a result my own home is now too and I have ocd but also remember when my mum used to open my wardrobe in my room and throw my clothes through the door or my shoes through the window. As a child I was very confused by it all and accepting it and that is me and my fault but I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong. Today in my mid 40s the story takes a different spin. My mother moods has always been changing within minutes. Silent treatments for days. I adhere to all that all my life because I love her and she is my mother but sadly I do not think she likes me as a person and her child. We have so little time left and it is Christmas soon. I do not understand. Sometimes she can be really lovely but then she can be really horrible. I always try and find excuses for her but I can see now how it affected me all my life. I have not got anyone to talk to about it as like I said she is very sociable with her friends and no one would believe what happened today. Not sure what to do. Has anyone else got 80+ parent and similar problems being that 'never good enough daughter'?