Help me with my poor grandma :(

[gottobe74]

My grandma has been staying with me since she’s had a series of falls. A few weeks ago, she ended up in hospital after a fall, and she had a suspected mini stroke. She since was discharged. She has been staying with me since, as she lives on her own (I live with my fiancé, and my parents aren’t alive anymore).

I have a feeling she’s soon going to ask to return home as she’s very headstrong and she said she’s been feeling okay. And she hasn’t had any more episodes in a few weeks.

On one side, I really don’t want her to go home as I’m so nervous she’s going to be on her own and if anything happens no one will be there for her. Which it likely will. I know that she’s poorly and near the end of her life.

I’ve offered to get her social services involved / in-house care but she’s adamant she’s independent, doesn’t want them involved and is refusing.

On the flip side, me and my fiancé are really struggling now that she’s been staying with us a while. We’re not sleeping, we’re both super hyperactive to any noise of indication that she’s fallen or struggling.

I just don’t know what to do for the best and wondered if anyone could help?
Thank you

I think it would be best if she stays with you. Like you say, she probably won't cope at home and how would she even get home anyway. How far away is your house from hers?

Can you let her go home but promise to wear a pendent alarm? This way you will be contacted if she falls.

Let her go home but ask to install a panic alarm and maybe a camera / door camera ? She could wear an alarm on her wrist so that if she falls you will be alerted. I'm sure she would rather be in her own home but at least that way you can see she is safe.

I know that she’s poorly and near the end of her life. thing is OP this could mean a lot of things. She could actually have a year or two or more, are you prepared to have her living with you and you become her carer? You need both head and heart in these decisions and not one or the other. It's lovely that you care for her so deeply but that doesn't mean you can let this situation slide.

I agree that her wearing an alarm is a good first step. Have you suggested that?

We’re not sleeping, we’re both super hyperactive to any noise of indication that she’s fallen or struggling. Get a fall alarm, baby alarm, sensitive mat to tell you she’s out of bed? There’s all sorts of tech solutions, then you could perhaps tell yourselves that small noises don’t matter, and your brain will screen them out.

Also consider taking turns, if tonight it’s your fiancé’s turn to be “on call”, you can sleep.

Remember, she will fall again. You wouldn’t be able to prevent that even if you were in the same room 24 hours a day. But even if you’re not listening out for her, you will still find her far more quickly than if she were on her own.

in short, do whatever it takes to relax and reduce your anxiety.

Why should OP be on constant vigilance and have all these caring duties? I imagine she works and has a life of her own. She needs to have a frank chat with her grandma about the toll this is taking on her and laying out her options for care home, assisted flat or a live in care at her own home.

I wonder if social services could help by providing an alarm linked to your number? Or another?

It’s not really sustainable for her to stay with you. As a PP points out, she could live for another few years. And she will get more frail and dependent in that time.

Would she consider a care home? My mum has had two major falls resulting in broken bones and has come to the realisation that she can’t keep living independently. It’s not feasible for her to live with any of her children and it’s just delaying the inevitable. So she’s moving into aged care.

Respect her decision to go home. She is an adult and it's her choice how she lives, not yours.

Yes it's likely there will be another crisis - but listen to her and what she wants, discuss ways of avoiding anything she is scared of, and be honest (blunt) if she's being unrealistic. But don't infantilise her. She's probably seen and done far far more in her life than you have in yours, give her some credit.

Let her go home. That’s what she wants.

Has she had input from the falls team? They will assess her house for any additional grab rails and supports she may need and the physio will assess her mobility and give her exercises so that she can maintain and hopefully improve any balance mobility concerns. We have several older exercise classes locally run by physios which is great for maintaining strength and is a good social activity too.

Pendant is also a great idea.

This.
Remember, today is the best she will ever be. Carers are probably the way to go to have someone through the door regularly but it sounds like she'll refuse as many do, before the next inevitable fall.
Hospitals are full of similar.
Don't get too drawn in. This is what we save for all our life to buy in help and care as needed at the end of our lives. Sometimes it takes a crisis before anything changes and you have to let it happen.

How old is she OP?

And most importantly, how is she cognitively?

Having just been through similar with both FIL & MIL - the main thing DH & took away away from it all was how their cognitive function affected the difference in the level of care they needed.
Unfortunately DIF had the beginnings of dementia which meant he did need 24 hours 'eyes on' as he couldn't remember he'd had a fall, had surgery, and wasnt able to walk properly, so he would try to get up all the time.
MIL on the other hand, much more with it, and therefore wouldn't try to do anything without asking for help first.

This makes a huge difference as to how independent they can be.

Have a look online for all the sensor bed/chair mats, movement sensors, cameras and fall bracelets, alarms etc. There are so many options and they made caring for them a lot easier.
Also, if she goes home, she'll definitely need some kind of daily help/care.
Ask her how she plans to shop, clean, cook etc?
And wash.

If on her worst days she needs any support apply for attendance allowance. Has she set up a power of attorney? If not I would strongly advise you to encourage this in case she needs further support in the future.

Try and help her live at home as long as she can.
A fall alarm would be a good call as it means she'll get help sooner.
I would support her choices but maybe press her to accept some help to keep her safe - this will preserve her independence more in the short/medium term.