Christmas with aging parent

[Fieldoftrees]

I used to love and adore Christmas time. To some degree is still have a something there but it's flattened somewhat but I keep it wrapped up. For me, Christmas is a time where I get a few days off work. I spend all year working hard and it's great to have some time off and celebrate it with some nice food and movies and drinks. It's great to be mindful of the year too. I like celebrating Christmas. Sometimes I think, nobody knows what's around the corner, our lives could take a turn for the worst and it could be shattered by next Christmas.

Something horrific happened this year to a family nearby to me. They had a child become ill and she died. It was awful. Nobody knew last Christmas that it was going to be her last. Christmas will never be the same again for them without her.

This is what I think about Christmas. I think it should be celebrated within the family and make it a joyful experience within reasons. If something bad happened, I could understand not celebrating Christmas.

A few years ago, I noticed something with my Mother. It would still be the Christmas season. It mught be a day or two after Christmas day or it might be New Years Day. I might have the day off and that day off for me would be like gold. She would turn into a mood and start taking down all the Christmas decorations and tree.
It was awful. I would be there trying to relax, maybe with my hobby or watching a movie and she would be there ripping everything down and in a passive aggressive mood, throwing boxes at me without saying a word but the orders were there in her tone and mood - to clean up.

I can't get into someone's else's mind. I think maybe because I had a brother at home and he would spend a lot of December drinking and getting drunk with his friends and being hungover. So my mother was never happy with that part of Christmas. I think she has some sort of an idea where Christmas is only for kits and for men to get drunk. I never got drunk.

Last year, one of her nephews died. He wasn't a young boy. Mom wasn't close to him. The last time my mom saw him would have been 20+ years ago.

Last Christmas, my mother decided that she didn't want to put up any Christmas decorations out of respect for her nephew who died during the year.
I respected that last year. My mother still put up some decorations around the home but there was no tree. We still made a Christmas dinner and had dessert.

I felt maybe she used that as an excuse to not put up the tree and decorations.

We are in the run up to Christmas again and she said she doesn't want to put up a tree again this year. I am a little taken aback by this to be honest. We had nothing bad within the family happen during the year.

I'm disappointed with that stance to be honest.

What do you think? Should I respect that or should I go ahead and clean a space in the sitting room for a tree. I can't understand why she doesn't want to go all out with a tree and decorations. She will likely put up some decorations and then that will be it for her.

I think she used her nephews death last year as an excuse not to put up a tree because she likes to rip them down again just as quick as Christmas day ends.

Do you live with her? Have you talked to her about any of this?

Why does it matter what she chooses to do with decorations in her house?

Or do you live with her?

Maybe you should just have a chat with her, I'm thinking maybe she's thinking a lot of the fuss and bother around Christmas has fallen to her, the putting up decorations and tree, the talking decorations down , while watching your brother get drunk and you sitting about eating nice food and watching movies', what was she doing? some people just don't like Christmas - I'm probably not a huge fan myself when kids got too old, the magic went, when my best friend died I felt bad celebrating it, now I just love the time off work, probably covid added to my enjoyment of Christmas the last 2 years a lot as I didn't feel obliged to entertain others and no worries about sitting round home in pj's, so i think this year i have a lot more Christmas mojo, but maybe you could chat about it generally, what she likes and dislikes about Christmas, perhaps she just needs an acknowledgement of the work sometimes goes behind it. and if she mentions no tree again maybe say that you would like to arrange it and take it down after you could even say you will take it down on x date s she knows its not a task waiting to be done.

I live with her. She's going through a divorce and I am helping paying for the home too. I know many people will shoot me down and say get out from my mothers house but I am paying for it and helping to keep the place running.

I haven't talked to my mother about it. I don't think she wants to take anything from me on board. It's a case of - she says she doesn't want a tree and that's that. I haven't talked to her but even if I did she wouldn't factor them in. Why should I have to talk to her for her to realise that there's another person in the home who would like to celebrate Christmas and have a tree and lights.

None of it was ever left up to her. For the past few years I was organising a lot for the Christmas and doing the shop and helping with the cooking. I don't spend days and days lounging about watching movies by the way. I get chores done but during the Christmas days I like to watch some movies or work on my hobby.

Very little was left to her for the past few years. My brother isn't home any more to get drunk and drunk again.

You need your own place.

My mother is 70 now. I know that's not very old. She is slowing down. I refuse to leave everything on her back. I organise food shopping and delivery. I was going to cook dinner last year. I bought a steamer for the task but when the day came my mother refused to let me take over. She took control of the whole entire thing and refused to let me have a go at it. My plan was to streamline all of the Christmas vegetables into a steamer and get it done in the one device.

Organising Christmas isn't on her any more.

That sounds miserable OP. I think I would go and stay somewhere that is lovely and festive for Christmas m, maybe a cabin (some places decorate them at Christmas) and leave her to it.

None of our family has been hit with any major illness or sickness or tragic stuff and I really think we should be Christmas and another year because nobody knows what's around the corner. What if we are hit with bad news in the next year? Maybe one of us might be too sick to celebrate it next year or maybe even dead and we will have a true and proper reason not to celebrate it because maybe we might be in mourning.

If your mother is 70, how old are you? 30+ presumably?

Old enough to get your own place and do Christmas how you want - that's your answer.

You said she's been ripping the decorations down ASAP for a few years, so she's made it pretty clear she's not into it

She can't be bothered with it. Maybe she only did it for you as kids, and had to 'fake' the enthusiasm for it back then, which takes energy that she just doesn't have now aged 70 and going through a divorce.

Who owns the house? Is it rented and if so who's name is it in?

I think I would leave the tree. You're probably in some way hankering for a Xmas memory and hoping that, by getting the tree, your mum will regain her festive sparkle and lightness. She won't.
Longer term / xmasses in the future think about how you make your own xmas happy and joyful on your own terms.

I'm not looking for a Christmas memory from my youth. I like the warmth that a tree and lights bring.

If you live in someone else’s house I’m afraid you live by their rules. It is a normal part of an adult’s development to move out and have their own place with their own rules. This is why you are struggling, you either accept her rules or get your own place.

My apologies- i didn't mean my earlier comment to sound like i thought that was all you were doing, I do get it from your original post you were talking about when you are just relaxing after xmas, more I was wondering what your mother was doing to relax, some people find it harder to relax when others are doing their own thing, and maybe she was just fed up , or bored or needed to be doing something, hence started undoing the Christmas decorations. But I don't know if this is only about Christmas or she would be the same about other events, while you are clearly happy to help out maybe she still just sees it as a lot of fuss, because it possibly was when you and your brother were younger.

I have an uncle with a touch of OCD , and I know he spends as much time out of the house as possible around xmas as he feels his place is untidy , but he's also like this over birthdays etc, the minute the kids had opened presents he expected them to be put away. My Aunt always said no matter what she did she could never get it right at xmas.

I am sorry you don't think you can talk to your mum about it, because as you say it is a time to spend with families and enjoy being with each other as you never know what will be next year. But I guess we don't need a tree to do that , maybe put one up in your room, and let you mum just have a few decorations around house . I'd still try to talk to her about Christmas generally like has she any happy childhood memories around it.

I live with her. She's going through a divorce and I am helping paying for the home too. I know many people will shoot me down and say get out from my mothers house but I am paying for it and helping to keep the place running

I think it might de time to reassess where you live and what makes you happy.

You don't need to sacrifice your own happiness to help your DM through a Divorce or help her financially. If she can't affords her home, maybe she could downsize? Are there any benefits that she could apply for?

It's her home, you're lodging there, so it's not up to you. If you want to do things your way then you need to move out.

Could you put a small tree and decorations in your bedroom?