How do I manage?

[NewMum9494]

Long story short, my dad died earlier this year. My mum and dad were together for over 60 years. I am in my late twenties (adopted) and I am a first time mum with a young baby.

I am struggling. I feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. My mental health is fragile and I am on antidepressants for OCD.

My mum relies on my sister a lot to go shopping, doctors appointments, the vets etc as my mum doesn’t drive. My sister wasn’t working for some time due to an injury but she is due to start a new job soon and will be working from 11-3.

I am trying to encourage my mum to join groups for social activities, she won’t saying it’s not her thing.

My sister and I have been sorting out mums finances, council tax, broadband and tv etc as it was all in dads name. I feel like every time I visit my mum; usually at least twice a week, she asks me to do something/ sorry something out. I absolutely love my mum, but finding it more and more difficult.

I am so worried my mum will depend on me more when my sister starts work and I don’t know how I’ll cope. I feel like as I’m adopted I’ve always “owed” them and often feel guilty.

When I have tried to explain things to my mum she gets defensive and upset and tells me not to start. For example, I don’t trust her dog and I don’t want the dog around my baby. She was telling me that it’s fine and the dog only needs to smell my babies foot. I have said multiple times I don’t want her around my baby and she seems to disregard my boundary setting.

This year has been a rollercoaster. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

It's ok to set boundaries. Your baby your rules.

How old is your mum and how well is she?

@forrestgreen she is 83 and she’s in good health and quite active

Gosh your parents were on the older end of the spectrum when they adopted you so please remember that you were so wanted. You owe them love and respect, as does your mum owe you the same.
My dad died in Sept and my mum is now in a care home.
I’ve done so much caring and paperwork to get her finances in order so that I can pay the care home fees and I too, am burnt out.

Take it a day at a time. An hour at a time if necessary. X

If your mum chooses not to join social activities it's her choice if she is lonely.
Taxis exist and in a lot of areas there are door to door community transport schemes. If she is in good health and active she can choose to use these or accept help setting up an online delivery.
Of course it's easier and cheaper for her to let you and your sister take the strain but you need to decide what you can manage and be firm.

We save all our lives to buy in care as needed and leave our busy adult DC free to enjoy the prime of their lives. Surely? What were her plans for coping as she aged?
Online shopping, pharmacy delivery, taxis, cleaners, carers, gardeners, local handymen. Utilise as many as you can.
If she chooses not to join social groups she must live with the consequences of that choice. Be less available. You 'owe' her nothing at the expense of your own life and mental health and if she's a decent mum she'll understand.

Can she afford a carer/cleaner / gardener /companion.
If so these need to be set up. It means there are people around to chat to - assuming she isn't seeing her friends. Can she contact old friends and invite them for a cup of tea.
She will probably refuse all of this and assume you and sis will be her companion, helper. But you both needs to be firm as she will get less able over time.
Ime you just have to be firm and live with the guilt.

Give her a list of things
Taxis
Cleaner
Pharmacy
doctors etc

Get her on Facebook and add the groups that she could go to. Most people are scared of the unknown, so it's a way to get her used to it. Get her on buses.

I think it's worthwhile taking the time to set her up for success.

My mum used to invent jobs for me, it was a way to get me to go round. But it became too much. She's now got a handyman, I just do techy things.

This is difficult because you are presumably all still grieving. However, as others have said, you need boundaries. Don't allow your mum to become totally dependent. Of course you and your sister want to help and support but if your mum is active and well can she not walk to the shops and the GP etc? Or perhaps walk one way, bus/taxi the other way?
Work out with your sister what each of you can realistically do for your mum and then do a little less. You need to have something spare in the tank iyswim. Leave some energy spare for you and your baby. If you don't look after yourself you won't be able to look after anybody else. Boundaries are your friend!

When I have tried to explain things to my mum she gets defensive and upset and tells me not to start
Stop wasting your breath by explaining things to her just do what works for you and if she complains tell her not to start
Same goes for the dog, don't explain your reasoning just don't allow the dog near the baby, you're the boss and your first duty is to your child.

We save all our lives to buy in care as needed and leave our busy adult DC free to enjoy the prime of their lives. Surely? We save to have a comfortable retirement doing things we weren’t able to do when we were working, and to leave a tidy sum to our children. To generations before me, heart troubles couldn’t be treated, and there wasn’t the expectation of years or even decades of increasing frailty and dementia

Leaving a tidy sum to our DC is a bonus. Any savings first and foremost should ensure our safety and well being in old age and fund care and services that improve our quality of life.
Many thousands of adult DC tied to running round indefinitely after elderly parents would swap any potential inheritance for the stress of that in a heartbeat.

OP I really feel for you. I'm 46 with an 83 year old and that's hard enough.

You don't owe her your life.

You say you worry she will depend more on you when your sister starts working. She probably will try that. You also say she tells you "don't start". Say the same to her. You are both adults. You need to have an adult relationship. I only managed that with my olds by being very clear about boundaries.

the dog thing is very poor on her part.

X post - yy!

Maybe it could help to just set up a routine. For example, have an arrangement that you see her Saturday mornings. On those mornings you spend time with her and help her with any tasks. There is a very good book called Being Mortal, where it explains that by helping too much you are actually accelerating the aging process.

She's only recently widowed, and it's probably an enormous shock to be on her own after such a long marriage. I think you need to encourage her independence whilst still being moral support for her - it will get easier as she adjusts to life alone. Perhaps your sister and you could arrange between you to share the load?

Many thousands of adult DC tied to running round indefinitely after elderly parents would swap any potential inheritance for the stress of that in a heartbeat. True, but that doesn’t assuage the distress of seeing the savings you built up with the hope that there’d be something left for your children whittled away employing people to do (badly) things you used to manage perfectly well for yourself

After so many years of marriage your mother understandably feels a bit lost. Dont sort things out for her, sort them out with her so you encourage independence. It's good practice for when your child is older.

Dogs are not trustworthy with babies. Let the dog sniff a foot but dont leave them alone.

Of course not. But I think if we expect to routinely live into our 80's, 90's and beyond now in our millions, we should come to expect this is exactly what has to happen unless we are very lucky. We can't afford sentiment anymore. We all know the funding rules. And if so against them then there's always the option of drip feeding monies away to family over the years.
I hope I'll be unselfish enough to be ready to spend savings on care than allow my DC to risk their mental health and sacrifice the best and most productive years of their lives when at the end of mine.
I would think very differently of any parent that allowed otherwise.

So they adopted you in their 50s?

Surely they must have realised that would put a rather unfair burden on you to care for them while you are in your 20s and caring for young children of your own...

Anyway you need to put yourself and your child first.

You and your sister have done what you could to sort out the basic admin and support after your father's death, now you need to establish healthy boundaries.

Don't let your mother expect you to do everything for her and make it clear the demands of your health and family mean that alternatives will need to be put in place (such as paid carer, online deliveries and so on).

Of course you should not let your child anywhere near her dog at this stage.

Arty "So they adopted you in their 50s?
Surely they must have realised that would put a rather unfair burden on you to care for them while you are in your 20s and caring for young children of your own.."

I think that's harsh. There's never a good time for this kind of problem. My father's first serious health problem came when I was 16, the second when I was 21. I remember dropping with tiredness from 2 jobs and then sitting in ITU trying to sleep.

Sorry for the late reply!

Thank you for all your advice and sharing own life experiences.

My mum is quite independent in that she is able
to walk to the shops and care for herself. Her health is generally quite good although of course she has slowed down but she has always been active.

She doesn’t expect me and my sister to do things for her, it’s more that we offer because we love her and want to make things as easy as possible for her.

I think I will definitely put a routine in place where I see her on set days.

She has a few friends that she sees, for example they come over for a coffee as they drive and mum doesn’t and they like coming to her house.

She has the finances to fund care if she ever did need it.

@Borntobeamum very much so! They said they loved having me and I kept them young (and on their toes). I had the best childhood.

@countrygirl99 mum would definitely use a taxi, but I think as me and my sister drive we always offer cos we’re worried about her going out alone. I read more and more on the news about older people being mugged and I just worry a lot about her!

@cptartapp shes always been good at saving so can find carers if she needed to. I just think she lives back in her childhood where she would be frugal as she didn’t have a lot growing up. She wants us to be able to have inheritance but we always tell her we would rather her enjoy the money she has now as we want to see her happy. Mum is very selfless in that way.

@Snnowflake yep she can. I just think she’s not comfortable with new people as she doesn’t want them to know she lives alone. She sleeps with a knife next to her bed because she’s worried someone will break in. It’s actually really sad.

@forrestgreen she Is learning to use Facebook and text as my dad did it all. He did all the bills too so it’s getting to grips with that. I think it’s been very overwhelming for her so me and my sister found it easier to do it but I’m definitely going to encourage mum.

@notlyndasnell she is still very active so that’s good. She can walk to the GP as it’s not far from her but as I said above we worry about her walking alone. She’s silly and doesn’t take the mobile with her and we keep telling her that she must so we can contact her or her contact us!

@Soothsayer1 thats what my partner keeps telling me but I don’t listen. I need to!

@Artygirlghost well, they have 3 of their own children, oldest being 60 and they adopted 3 of us. One sadly died. Only me and my sister that really make the effort. The others are men. I don’t see it as them unfairly putting on me as I should have the support of my older siblings.

@EmmaAgain22 I agree. You can get unwell at any time. I’m young but have had health issues.. doesn’t matter what age x

Blimey, where do you live that you're worried about her being mugged and she sleeps with a knife by the bed?!

When you look at the local newspaper, how much of a problem is that sort of thing, in real life?
In the odd area, sadly, it may be an issue, but, regardless, you could work through the crime prevention advice provided by the local police force. Doors, windows, fence toppers, Ring doorbell, security lights, Tile/airtag in her purse and so on.
And then see if you can get her something less stabby to keep by her bed because I can see someone not awake together with a knife ending very badly...

And like other PPs said, if you break, you're no good to anyone. So boundaries boundaries boundaries, for everyone's sake!

OP when my dad died and mum started to go out alone, I can only say I worried about the same. My experience of being long term on crutches was that yes, you feel like a mugging target. But in the end, mum wanted to go out alone so that was it.

re the knife, yes, I can see that's hard for you. It's a thing I wouldn't bother trying to challenge, but that's me.

I think a set routine might help.

PS I was glad mum wanted to get out and about, alone wasn't her first choice but that's life.