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Elderly parents

Poor organising

2 replies

Fieldoftrees · 22/11/2022 14:13

I really think my mother has the onset of dementia. However it's not showing up as typical forgetfulness. There were a serious of behaviours that were odd-ish over the past 18 months and then I started connecting these bits up and thinking if something like dementia is brewing with her.

It's shining through again some more over the past few weeks. There's poo organising skills. We have family living abroad and we usually send a parcel for abroad. The cut off point will be about the 3rd of December for last posting days. My mother had 2 shopping days in the city and she wasn't able to find anything and even not there is nothing done. She knows Christmas is coming but she's just not quite there regarding the parcel that has to go in the mail. She not able to connect the dates any more either. She says Christmas is 5 weeks away but the parcel is fine for now completely forgetting about the journey it has to take across the world.

I think she is hoping to go into town this week and she mentioned elf on the shelf stuff and the pounds hop elfs and accessories but she already sent them last year and the year before. That stuff was done before. For the adults she wants to go into the souvenir shops and get souvenirs but that stuff was done before too.

I went shopping at the weekend. I travelled to a bigger city with better shops and I got things done. My mother doesn't travel well. I invited her to come with me but she doesn't travel well so she stayed at home. I got things done at the weekend. I suggested making things easier for her and suggested sending a joint parcel in that we can put both of our names on the parcel but she's complaining about that. I suggested that she can help herself to everything that I got and she can put her own name to things especially for the child but she's still complaining. She wants to get her own gifts for the child.

I went shopping at the weekend to help her. We are in a hopeless situation. She doesn't know what to get. I helped her and all she can do is turn her nose up at it all. Thing is I bought loads and she said 'sure that stuff is all from you'.

I wont be able to stick my name to it all. Its too much. My plan was to help her and get things done.

We can't send cash. We can't shop online in their home country because the online shopping there is weaker and my mother doesn't know what she wants to get or what to look at.

We shopped online before about 18 months ago for a birthday. Looking back I think there was something there about the possibility of a dementia but I didn't see it at the time. Basically she found some teddies that she liked. Those plushie teddies. She had no control and wanted so much - a tiger, a Swan, etc and in the end there was about at least 10 different teddies in the order. Looking back it was too excessive and too much. One or two or three would have been more than enough. She had other gifts too in the basket. I think maybe that's something else in that she felt overwhelmed and didn't know what to get and had no control and added in more and more.

I am in a position where I can see now, a lot of the time my mother is ok in herself but she definitely doesn't have the capacity any more to organise Christmas gifts/parcels but she still wants to maintain control over it all too.

OP posts:
Fieldoftrees · 22/11/2022 16:41

Some of my family who live abroad want to come home next summer. Their plan is to stay in a mobile home in our back yard. My mother wants to buy them a Christmas present in the black Friday sales of a coffee machine. I don't think they even drink coffee. She just wants to get on board with black Friday. I said that we don't even know if the lady likes coffee and if they want coffee they can have my machine and she said - sure you will be using that. If they want coffee they can have my machine and I don't mind going out the back for a coffee.
It's unlikely they will be using a coffee machine and be drinking coffee. They are more tea drinkers.
I just feel a coffee machine is not an appropriate gift or spend of money at this time considering there will be a lot of expenses in the new year. I think we should wait til they are home or have definite dates with tickets til we start buying stuff for their home.
If we were rich without money issues it would be fine but we are not.

I think it just shows some more that she really doesn't have the capacity any more gifting and Christmas.

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/11/2022 17:23

Oh boy! I could have written a very similar post about my own mum. It was the first sign really that her cognitive abilities were failing. I would try and encourage her to write a list of people she wanted to buy for and then would take her shopping - we would usually have a couple of days out - one with my husband when we be out all day including lunch and another with my uncle when we would be closer to home.

It started with her refusing to buy for anyone on her list. She would put a dozen big boxes of shortbread in her trolley "because I will find someone to give them to" and the same with sweets and chocolates. Then we would come home and she wouldn't have anything for the people on her list because she had decided that the stuff that she had bought wasn't good enough.

And then she would get depressed because she couldn't go out shopping the way the she used to do. Reading your post has left me with a knot in my chest remembering what it was like to shop with her and for her. It was so stressful.

I understand when people say we have to step back and leave our parents to get on with these things themselves but when their moods/anxieties spill over into their interactions with us and we are on the receiving end it isn't so easy is it! I don't know what to suggest for you to make your life easier but I do understand exactly what you are going through.

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