Supporting a widow

[Newmum738]

My Dad has just been transferred to palliative care after a procedure to support kidney dialysis gave him a heart attack.

My parents have been married for nearly 50 years. I'm concerned about how my mum is going to cope afterwards.

I live 3 hours away and I've been with my mum for the last 10 days, sitting with my Dad in hospital for as long as possible since he was transferred.

I'm not going to be able to stay for much longer and worried how my mum is going to cope. Does anyone have tips for supporting a new widow?

Sorry you are going through this, it can't be easy for you or your DM.
Can you tell us a little about your DM and whether she is able to go out and about, take transport and what sort of things she likes to do?

It very much depends on your DMs level of independence.
My DM was very dependent on my DF so when he died very suddenly things were very difficult for a while. We were 1 1/2 hours away (with other care commitments) and DBs were also 1 1/2 - 4 hours away.
We had to get Social Services involved and they quickly did an assessment and provided twice weekly carers so mum could get showered (over bath shower not safe for her to get in and out of alone).
I did all her supermarket shopping online and the delivery driver would leave the bags on her kitchen worktop so she could easily put it away. Her NDNs were also very good (gave both keys for emergencies) and one neighbour would pick up bits in M& S that mum liked to eat.
She wouldn't go to any lunch clubs recommended by Social Care so she didn't go out unless me or DB went over. We ended up going weekly/fortnightly at the weekends and DB picked up all the medical appointments as he worked twilight hours.

Is your df under the palliative care team?

Our local team has specialist bereavement support included and I would talk to them first.

Social services might be needed. DM has recently been referred to the memory unit but told she is on a waiting list. She is independent at home and has groups to go to and friends to see. She is getting confused a bit lately and this has been evident on the ward where my DF is currently. The stress of the situation is really affecting her ability to function although she drove to a friends for a cuppa today. It's going to be a bit sink or swim!

I've signed her up for community transport today. She is involved in some local groups and clubs. She loves theatre, cinema, going shopping or for lunch.

Thanks for the tip, I'll talk to them.

Sorry about your Dad. They have been married for a very long time. When my fil died about 17 months ago my usually strong and practical mil could not stop crying. They had been married for 55 years. My mil has friends who were very supportive and tried to take her out of house even for coffee but she would not go out. My dh went up and organised the funeral and food afterwards. I had thought mil would have her views on which music, which coffin, etc but she just asked DH to pick what he thought best. GP gave her a few tablets for anxiety to get her through funeral. After funeral DH had to go back to work but I stayed with her for 8 days. She barely ate. I tried to get her to come out for a short walk but she kept saying she could not leave house. Several of her friends came by for a cup of tea with her and brought her a new magazine. Her other son stayed with her for 4 days after I left. Then DH went up for weekend. We invited her to come and stay with us for a few weeks for a change of scenery and I get on really well with my mil and before fil died she did come for a week now and again. Anyway it was almost 6 months before she would go out. Like you I ordered her shopping online for delivery each week. DH and I went up several weekends, my 2 adult sons both went up for a weekend each, 2 of her gd also went for a weekend. DH and I phoned to check on her every other day. Her other son phoned on alternative days too. When weather was good in end of May this summer I went up for 3 days midweek as Nd finally go to her out of house for driv we down to beach and walk as long promenade as n DD she had an ice cream. Her friends kept popping in to or a cup of tea with her and bringing her a cake. She is now back to swimming with one friend each week and she meets different friends for coffee or lunch in town each week. She is reading again. She told me on phone she has been watching Xmas movies. Last Xmas she refused. It takes time. We live about 2 1/2 hours away but we had to keep going up because she refused to.come down to us. I am hoping she will come on holiday with us next summer.

A friend lost her husband of 50 years earlier this year. She has supportive children and lots of friends, so between them, they have been keeping her busy, and she is coping, and, indeed, finding things to enjoy.

My DF lost his wife after years of caring, and doesn’t have supportive children. (There’s only me, and I worked full time 3 hours away). He’s a natural stoic anyway, and he simply threw himself into activities and voluntary work.

It seems to me the attitude of the bereaved matters. The ones that are able to involve themselves with friends and other things can get themselves carried through the period of worst grief (every 5 mins when your mind is on something else is a blessing)

Your mum may surprise you. I thought my Dad wouldn’t cope if my mum went first, but he has flourished.

@MereDintofPandiculation it's so true about the attitude of the bereaved. My DM was not very sociable and so had no proper friends to lean on for support. My DF had retired at 54 and died age 86 and my DM had relied on him totally for company in all that time. Suggestions by Social services of going to a lunch club 1/2 mile from home with transport provided were met with "why would I want to go for lunch with a load of strangers?". Trying to explain that they'd only be strangers when she first went but she would soon make friends didn't cut it unfortunately. She just moved from relying on DF to relying on me and DB1 for her entertainment. DB1 still had 3 DCs living at home and I had 24/7 caring responsibilities for DD. I used 80% of my already limited respite hours chasing up and down to DMs house for the 2 1/2 years she survived after DF's death.

Mum has been doing Ok since I've been home the last couple of weeks. She has been out to her groups and clubs until it got cold and she started to stay in. She is a real risk for alcohol abuse. She started drinking at first and stopped when I spoke to her. My niece has been around and said she had started again but evidently when she was there yesterday, she checked and it seemed like she had steered clear this week. Mum has talked about moving closer to me (I'm 3 hours away) so I've started looking for somewhere. Sadly, she and Dad put their house in a trust years ago and I am seriously worried about how this will affect her options now. She also went out the other day and don't lock the door. A new cleaner turned up and called me to say the door was open but no one was home. What on earth do you do about that?!!! Just offloading here really! Any ideas welcome.

As far as the Trust goes - do you know who the Trust benefits? Is it you?

Im not a lawyer but a bit of googling suggests that the house now belongs to the beneficiary of the Trust, not to your mum. But I do think you and she need legal advice. Ask around for a good conveyancing solicitor with a proper local firm.

I don't have experience with the alcohol side. It suggests to me that it would be a good idea if your DM gave you lasting power of attorney for health and finances ASAP. The forms are online and don't take long to do, though the process can take a while.

Im not a lawyer but a bit of googling suggests that the house now belongs to the beneficiary of the Trust That’s usually the point of a Trust either to keep the house out of the equation when care fees are calculated (LAs are now wise to this) or out of the estate for IHT (only works if she doesn’t benefit, eg she pays commercial rent to live in it)

Beneficiaries can dissolve the Trust but there are tax implications, most notably Capital Gains Trust. Definitely talk to accountant.

Don’t worry about one instance of leaving a door open. We are all forgetful at times. You can use tech for an audible reminder (how many of would have come unstuck without audible reminders to switch car headlights off?)

So, I believe mum is the beneficiary of the trust for as long as she is alive. As for dissolving it, we could look at that. There may not be capital gains to pay given the current housing market. I'll be able to see the documents later and better understand what they set up.

The key thing is the second time that I know of but yes it could be worth seeing if technology has a solution for us.

We have a power of attorney application going through now. Thinking I might call to GP to so he is aware of concerns.

Thanks for the advice folks!