Elderly mum going into care home - tips to help her settle in please

[Luminousnose]

My 87 year old mother has agreed to go into a care home. She has capacity, but her short-term memory is completely shot and after having a temporary catheter removed is is largely (?fully) incontinent. She has accepted that she’s no longer safe to live alone.

We have found a lovely care home very near to me. She can take her own, furniture, pictures, ornaments, etc, but she is naturally very apprehensive and nervous. Does anyone who has been through this have any tips to make the transition easier for her. I know that the home will be very experienced with this, but wondered if there was anything extra we could do. Because she will be so close, I’ll be able to visit her several times a week, take her out for lunch, etc.

Does she like to have a sweet or a biscuit? Having a tin in the room that she can offer to visitors might help her feel like she can still be hosting and gives her some autonomy over a snack.
If she likes a photo, then make her a 'This is your life' book with simple text along the lines of 'Violet was born in Richmond in 1930 where her parents George and Mildred had met and married' with a photo of her as a small child with her parents, then one of her with siblings, a wedding photo for her, picture of her with her children, grandchildren etc all with explanations of who is who, if you have anything related to her work or hobbies as well - then it gives the carers something to chat about, maybe she can show it to others, and it reinforces her memory.
Some people do a whiteboard for the room so you can leave a message along the lines of 'mum you are staying at The Rushes for a while, this is your room, I will come in on Saturday to see you, love x' so that any worries are easy to reduce.
Until she's been there a little bit and settled in I wouldn't take her out as transitions can be hard in going back to 'not home'

Before my mum moved in I was able to take her things and decorate her room in readiness for her. Her room is tiny (she doesn't spend much time in it) but we put up lots of pictures and photos of the grandchildren. She has a couple of lamps from home and her own bedding.

She has been there a year and still thinks she will be coming home soon so I don't think any of it helped her settle but her room does look very homely and she is surrounded by reminders of her family.

My mum couldn't be described as having capacity - she can't hold a conversation any more - but one thing she loves is her photo blanket with pictures of all her grandchildren and her dog. It was a great conversation starter when she was at home and had carers coming in every day and it stayed with her when she went into hospital and then into the home.

Familiar things, photos, favourite books and magazines a couple of ornaments, favourite sweeties, chair blanket, own pillow, teacup.

The best thing you can do though is visit regularly. Even the best homes with the most caring staff drop the ball occasionally and residents need friends and family to keep an eye on them and be their advocate.

Does she remember that she is going to the care home?

FIL did not and the care home advised us to just drop him off 'for the day' - this felt wrong but was actually perfect.

They also emphasised we shouldn't say Goodbye on visits but just v quickly go giving an excuse excuse e.g. 'I'm popping to the loo' Again this was brilliant advice as he found us leaving v upsetting but actually didn't mind when we weren't there.

Rooms can be pretty small so choose carefully in terms of furniture. Cleaners sanitise everything all the time and this can cause the varnish to become tacky. If it’s precious a glass/ plastic top to protect it. Pictures and photos up on the wall. Soft blankets and cushions for bed and chair. If sending ornaments have them in a little display case, often seem to get broken. An Alexa to play music/ audio books and check the time is good too.

Great advice here. Have the home asked for info about likes dislikes eg tea or coffee in the morning, sugar, favourite foods etc?
also background info where she grew up, what she did, family etc to help conversations?

Dear relative has been in care home 10 weeks and they still can't get the tea order right despite being reminded time and time and time and time again. Such a small thing but so important.

This is true, not to be all squeaky wheel gets the grease but there are residents who would sit in a dark room all day staring at tv meals off trays. Those with more family involvement are definitely jollied along to participate in communal mealtimes, more time on personal care etc.

Some great advice here.

The one thing I’d add is in my nans care home her clothes just got mixed in with everyone else’s on washing days, boil washed into oblivion and quite often in the early days she was wearing clothes that weren’t hers, too big, etc, (including knickers) - she found this quite distressing but “didn’t want to make a fuss”.

So I provided a laundry basket for her room and visited a couple of times a week to collect and do her washing. I also labelled all of her clothes with her name.

Thank you all! Some great advice and suggestions. Fortunately she does still have capacity and has made the (admittedly reluctant) decision herself. We will decide together which items to take from home. She does have a sweet tooth so I’ll definitely make sure she has both a sweetie and a biscuit tin. The home has already advised me to label everything.

Interesting about not taking her out too soon. I was wondering whether to bring her home to us for Christmas dinner, but I’ll have a think and maybe take advice from the care home before deciding (haven’t mentioned it to her yet).

Fortunately the home is only a 15 minute drive from my house (and 5 minutes from my work) so I’m planning to visit several times a week and will be able to advocate on her behalf if there are any problems.

I’ll see how they get on with the washing.

Home manager is coming out on Monday to do assessment/forms etc.

Friends mum frail but with full mental capacity went in with her husband. They liked a whiskey in the evening so that was on the list.

My mother moved into what sounds a similar sort of facility. If you are encouraged to have your own furniture etc, the other residents will probably also be mentally okay, and company of your own age can be very welcome. With the best will in the world, we are not their generation and our interests and views are not the same. So I found, anyway.
Do they have lunch or supper together? If so, does the manager or cook have any views on wine. Because at my mothers place, the residents regularly provided wine ( only a glass) on occasions like birthdays at the meals. They would also entertain each other with sherry.
( my Mum was very popular because when I lived in France, I used to bring back a 10litre box of rose and give it to the cook for sharing ,…..).

Hello, new poster here, first ever post in fact. I’ve worked in care for about 15 years and I'd like to reassure the OP that a good home will keep a careful eye on all new residents. It’s lovely that you’ll be close enough to play a big part in your mum’s activities but maybe don’t take her out for trips too much in the early days. A new resident needs to have time to settle in and to not keep leaving the home.