Support of parents going into care home (nominally for respite, realistically I hope longerJ

[Userqrgtyd]

So, the house of cards that was my parent’s life has collapsed. My 90 year old mother who is my 91 year old father’s main carer (he has Parkinson’s) is now in hospital with a broken arm. Have their agreement that they will both go into respite care at a home that looks lovely, and comes highly recommended. (Fortunately money is not an issue). I hope my father will go in tomorrow or the day after, and my mother will be discharged from hospital to the home.

So far I’ve billed this as temporary, till the crisis is over, but honestly I don’t see how they will get back to independent life now. Maybe I am wrong! And would love to hear your stories of equivalent situations.

Up till Monday they coped at home, with a daily morning carer for my father, cleaners, friends that would sit with my father etc, and my mother doing everything else….
All advice gratefully received. What might I have not thought about?

I don't have an equivalent situation but I’m hoping it works out for all of you. I’m guessing you’ve been living on tenterhooks waiting for a crisis for a while, and while I’m sorry your mum has broken her arm it could have been so much worse. Good luck, and enjoy the respite yourself.

There's no point worrying about next week, next month because (as you've seen) anything could happen between now and then. Hopefully they will like it and want to stay but if they want to go home and are competant to make that decision then that's their choice.

Mum broke her dominant arm at 88 and made a complete recovery in a normal time frame. The issue was not the arm but the three weeks in hospital combined with her dementia meant that she didn't recognise her home of 60 years once she returned to it. After the break from her normal life the familiar things and places were strange and that was the tipping point for respite and then residential care.

In July, my dad was taken into hospital.
mum went into a care home for respite.
Dad joined her in his discharge however it was clear they wouldn’t be able to return home.
After just over 2 weeks, Dad had a massive stroke and passed away peacefully.
Out plan was for Mum to stay at the home, and she’s still there now, however the scenario is so traumatic for all involved.

Mum cannot understand why she can’t go home. Neighbors will look after her or she will get a job - she’s 90 - in a bakery.

She’s at risk of falling, wandering, has no concept of time or day and the staff are brill with her.
Visiting her is awful, I refuse to go alone any more as she just lays into me.
Her requests are unreasonable but she obviously cannot see that due to her onset of dementia.
She’s suffered the loss of her home and the love of her life. They were together for 65 years and says she’s going to sneak out and go to a hotel where they will look after her.

Im at my wits end.
I don’t feel I’ve been able to grieve for my dad as I’ve had so much papery to sort out, it’s been horrendous.

Im so sad that mum is in this position but can’t see a way out.

@Borntobeamum how horrible for you, I hope you and your mother find peace.
Thank you all, one day at a time!

Am I an awful person to think that at the grand age of 49 myself I am getting irritable that my father will not put my mother in a care home she has dementia and I know it is not her fault but is increasingly difficult in refusing help.
My dad has mild Parkinson's but I feel and I know I sound awful has put her feelings first at the expense of himself myself and my sibling.
I am a mum of two wrong side of 40 and my eldest child has additional needs and is having al lot of challenges in their own life.

It is getting all a bit much
I live very locally to them walking distance I pop in most days help tidy up the house do a bit of shopping.
Feel that there is very little to do to help them as I upset my mother who doesn't know where she lives and my dad more or less blanks it some times .
I know in the past they have being very generous to me but I am getting more upset my self when I try to help give some gentle advice.
What shall I do ?!🙂🥰

Each situation is different but going on the OP's - I'm a stuck record on this but I would not let any elderly parent within sniffing distance of a care home unless you have LPA in Health & Welfare, so get it if you still can, and they have mental capacity, not easy now as you need signatures witnessed by non-family who've known them for years. And they're in a home.

Both in early 90s is a good age, don't knock it but still... without LPA you are not the decision maker if they have got past a certain point, so if you all hate the care home, it's not down to you - the home can keep them there, Ker-ching!
Knew of two relatives in their 90s who went into care homes, one was dead within a day, the other had a bad fall and went home but they were gone in a month or so. No accountability at all.
Surrey is a bloody awful place for care homes but they all look good, it's a scam. Social Services are devils.

Oh, more rudimentary advice - don't have any nice sentimental items in there, label up nice woollen blankets and so on or they can go missing.
Lack of drink is a thing in care homes - personally I think they do it deliberately in some cases as a kind of Liverpool Care Pathway thing for the elderly so if you visit, make sure to get 300ml of drink down each parent at least, or it won't be long now...
Oh - tactless, but if you have a drawer full of photos unlabelled, get your parents to go through them or they're dead photos only fit for the bin once they're gone. Make a jolly thing of it, get the smart phone on record
Possibly invite relatives around if the care home is luxury and nicer looking than their actual home. It's an opportunity. But do it on the quiet, don't make a big do of it - do get the sense care settings can finish folk off after they've had a 'nice day'.
You think I'm 'that person' but honestly, I can't tell you half the stuff that goes on, it's bloody toxic. We went through hell.
Then again, everything might go lovely - but I'd keep the nice house on standby if needs.

@Mum2girlsx I think you have to establish your boundaries and not say yes to more than you can cope with. And let your parents sort things out for themselves.

The amount of care you are able to give to a partner is greater than the amount of care you can give a parent. Not just because you have other responsibilities but because you can tolerate more from a partner who has been the love of your life. So your dad can look after her if he wishes. What he can’t do is drag you in beyond what you wish to do