My mother is obsessed with the neighbours

[DPN]

I think my mother is obsessed with the neighbours. She is always looking out the window. Sometimes when's he sees some of neighbours out walking she gets mad if they are dressed up. I suggested before that maybe they are going to the pub and it's not going exercising.

For months she was asking me for a particular neighbour because she noticed she hasn't seen him. As if I am friends with him and know his whereabouts. I am not friends with him. I get a feeling she doesn't care about him. She just wants to know if his marriage is broken up and he's gone.

Another time, the other neighbours had their bins out for collection a while in advance of bin collection day and this drove my mother into a frenzy thinking that there was a change to the bin collection schedule. There was no change and no notification of change. I suggested to calm down and maybe they are gone away and we will leave the bins out on bin they we hen they are due.

A other time at the start of the pandemic she refused to follow guidelines like social distancing until she knew what the neighbours were doing.

Another time, another neighbour was out walking. The lady must be in her mid 70s but she doesn't look a day of 45. She looks very well. She fit too. I reckon she would be a size 6 or a size 8. She's incredible. My mother was peering out from a curtain one day and browse into an anger looking at her bounce and fly like a butterfly walking down the road. My mother was angered.

Is anyone elseels parents obsessed with their neighbours?

Mine isn't dissimilar. I don't think she's got enough going on in her life as I get reports on movements of these people I've never met! Also the neighbours of friends of my Mum - I REALLY don't need to hear about them!
And disapproval if they don't behave in a way she deems acceptable. Whether Covid restrictions, parking or putting out wheelie bins.

Yes, my dad gets really upset if a car is parked outside my house.

He thinks it’s my space and not for others to park there. I’ve explained that I don’t own the road and anyone can park there but he says it’s ‘common decency’.

The best part? I have a driveway and garage. I don’t need to park on the road!

It's the get a life syndrome

It's the get a life syndrome
I don’t think it is … I think obsessions are the start of cognitive decline, particularly if it is in an elderly relative.
Neighbours are a common one I would bet. as would be family members.
My DF was absolutely obsessed by the factor and their quarterly bills for the upkeep of their property. He absolutely raged at them. My DM became obsessive about feeding the foxes. Their reactions were unhealthy and although started off mildly, escalated.

OP, I would start to look at your DM giving someone Power of Attorney. It’s never too early.

Yes you could be right

I'm drawing from my experience of my dh's relatives who are very much like this.
and a lack of interests or anything better to do at times

Yes, my MIL is. We called it retirement syndrome . She's always been nosey, but has got worse.

That’s rather an unkind comment, possibly applicable to a younger person in full physical and mental health. But as you get older, your world can shrink, as you’re no longer physically able to get around as you used to do, and modern life gets further and further away from what you grew up with. Watching neighbours may be a last attempt at staying in touch and interested in the world around you.

Also the neighbours of friends of my Mum - I REALLY don't need to hear about them! Yes you do! Conversation isn’t about exchange of information, it’s about connection. And if you have been alone all day with only the radio for company, it’s about talking, not listening - you’ve already been listening all day.

Yep, my DM is a right old curtain twitcher. She is in her sixties and hasn't even retired yet! She just loves spying on the neighbours.

I catch DH at it too, when the people across the road from us were having an extension built I think it was the highlight of his life.

Yes my mum but she’s only 66!!!

She rings me up to tell me what work they’re having done and watched the workmen all day! sits for hours in the bedroom that over looks both neighbours gardens spying on them when they’re in their gardens ( and messaging me at the same time to tell me what they’re doing) and when I go round for a visit she drags me to the bedroom to point out a new plant they have planted it whatever changes they’re doing in the garden and moans about it

she constantly curtain twitches when they have visitors or go out and is obsessed by one of their neighbors alcohol consumption as she hears glass bottles being dropped into the bin and sees the wine delivery coming ( she goes out and looks in their glass bin when it’s put out for emptying and tells me and my dad all about it)….

The other neighbour does a lot for the community and has a lot of male visitors helping her with big projects as she lives alone, my mum is obsessed with her visitors and makes notes of the arrival and leaving time of these people and is convinced she’s shagging them all, some are happily married men ( I know the lady through work and is just having people help her)..

Its exhausting that I can’t have a proper relationship with her and I feel very sorry for you too! Lord knows how my dad puts up with it, he deserve a medal

This is very sad, and as PPs have suggested is either lack of any proper hobbies and interests, social isolation, or the beginning of cognitive decline and dementia.
Can you get your mother involved in anything locally, OP? Church, pensioner outings, coffee mornings, U3A, bridge club, rambler groups, volunteering? Anything to broaden her horizons and re-engage her with the wider community?

@MereDintofPandiculation but my mum hasn't been alone all day listening to the radio - she's out and about every day seeing more people than I do! She can't walk far but still drives and is constantly popping out to meet people for coffee or having them round or going to their houses. The best thing ever is Waitrose bringing back the free coffee as she's now there everyday!

Then our weekly phone call consists of a giant list of all these people, what's going on in their lives (including their neighbours ) and their families. I'm just not interested in all these people. I usually do my online supermarket shop with one hand and hold the phone in the other as she rambles on.

When my mum had early stages of dementia, she began collecting soft toys and dolls, she also kept on at my dad to close the sliding doors to the garden in the conservatory all the time "because little animals will get in". It became a real fixation for her and she would become really anxious until dad closed the doors, she was around 74-75 at the time

Mine is similar and I think it’s a combination of having little to do and cognitive decline.

@cobblers123 Entirely this behaviour at the same sort of age. DM is 91. My DSis and I have known since she was around 70 what was ahead.
OP and others, genuinely this is the time to make sure POA and future proofing measures are encouraged.
Although absolutely don't tell them why these things are now on the agenda. We made the mistake of telling DM we were concerned and this got her back up. She became resistant and obsessive towards POA the way your DM might be about her neighbours.

Then our weekly phone call consists of a giant list of all these people, what's going on in their lives (including their neighbours Confused) and their families What could she talk about that you would be interested in?

I cannot wait till I’m obsessed with the wheely bin schedule. My current system is waiting to notice what the neighbours put and do it in a mad pyjama dash. My mum thinks I joke.

Yes, my mother is 87 and obsessed with the neighbours and has picked feuds with many of them. She lives in a sort of retirement village so it’s sort of reciprocated! It’s sometimes all she talks about. She is delighted if bad things happen to them.

Mine has a camera she is wildly possessive about her driveway to the point where hermes tescos etc cannot park over the edge of it to deliver to houses fine complain to the company they really shouldn't do it don't fly out your house in your slippers to berate them telling them to fn move! It makes her look unhinged but I can see why she is upset but her reaction now mean that people do it deliberately to wind her up

Yes, my dad gets really upset if a car is parked outside my house. He thinks it’s my space and not for others to park there.

actually my (lovely) elderly neighbours are like this about the space in front of my house. They don't have a car but they are determined to uphold my rights. But I genuinely don't care, and I especially don't want to move my car from a perfectly good spot 20 metres away, just so it is in the "right place"!

My mother is like this. She is permanently distracted by the neighbours, if you are on the phone she'll just disappear for a few seconds to have a curtain twitch and then come back with some apparent thing a neighbour has done. It's infuriating and she is a bit of a Hyacinth. She's not old, and has all her faculties, she's just fucking nosey.

I remember this with my DM it used to drive me mad although I can understand it. I think as they get older their lives narrow and they have less to do and less to talk about.

Every street needs what we call 'Binfluencers' so we can all follow their lead as to what bins
Need to go out this week.

Something other than herself would be a good start. It would be nice if she asked after us, her grand-daughter, work, home. But if I try to move it to a different topic she comes up with a reason to veer back to the usual - oooh my neighbour's grand-daughter did xyz at school and off she goes again. She could easily go to the library, theatre, art gallery, cinema etc - no problem getting there and she can afford it. If I try talking about something cultural, the news or the economy etc she won't engage with it. I've given up now after years of this.

I work with some people who are older than her and they're really bright and chatty - talking about literature, art, economy, politics. They're really interesting, engaging people and I enjoy chatting with them.

I do wonder if it's learned behaviour - that this is what she thinks conversation is? I remember as a kid being dragged on interminable visits to elderly relatives by her and they'd sit and talk like this for hours each time - always a lengthy list of who had done what. Which just seemed to repeat every week!

@MereDintofPandiculation

Possibly

However if you read my later post

My dms or df are not like that at all and they're elderly but mil was always like this even when she was the age I am now. It's lack of interests and living your life through other people. Can't bear curtain twitching

Mine complains that everyone gossips too much … then wonders where the neighbors are because the car is gone/ there’s an extra car who is visiting 😂