AIBU

[citynbeach]

AIBU to not want my brother to get a job even further away from our home town? I do all the looking after of our parents because he's away with work a lot, which I am happy to do but would like some help from my brother or not to take it for granted. When he does come back he does absolutely nothing, just sits and chats with them- no practical help at all. He is now looking at a job even further away and I'm blown away by the fact that he doesn't see OUR parents as his responsibility as well. They both have daily needs and need their meals cooked and washing, medication done etc. my father says I am selfish saying that he should consider the fact that our parents are getting older and may need even more help and for him to be looking to go even further away and take it for granted that I will do it all isn't fair.

Unfortunately it’s the daughters that most likely get left with caring for elderly parents.

can you get carers to help you which would lighten your load. Unfortunately you can’t make someone help when they don’t want to.

It’s your choice to do it, you don’t have to (sounds awful, but it’s true).
You don’t have children so they can look after you, I certainly won’t expect DD to look after me.

I agree it’s women that always get saddled with it OP. You’ll feel guilty if you don’t do it. Your brother knows you’ll do it.

There adult social services who can provide assistance eg carers. Depending on care needs and wishes, not all parents want their children dealing with personal care for example. Carers can ensure they have meals and take medication. A social worker will talk things through with a parent who is less than willing.

Im happy to help. It's more a grievance that he just takes for granted that I will do it and is giving no thought to the extra work/responsibilities that will come as they get older. He doesn't even attempt to help when he's back- I don't mean personal care but cooking, washing etc he could help with. And now he's just looking at a new job even further away with no thought to them and me. I'm upset that my father said I was nasty and selfish to raise this

What age are your DPs OP?

In their mid 70's with medical issues. I have 3 children as well. My brother has no children.
Im not really looking for advice on how I can get some more help, just whether I was wrong to raise this and expect my brother to consider it all

YABU. He should absolutly not rstict his one life and opportunities because his parents have failed to plan.

Ageing is inevitable.
What plans did they make to ensure they do not burden their children?

@Bigbadfish harsh! It's not about restricting one's life but surely you have to take other people into account. If we all led really selfish lives we would be in a state of chaos. Isn't is kinder to consider other people and take some responsibility on

I think you need to spell it out to your brother exactly how and what you do and how he could help more. He won't read in between the lines, he won't notice what you are doing, he won't realise there's an imbalance of what you are doing compared to him, he won't see how much care they need unless you break it down to him and tell it to him in black and white.

Your Dad probs expects you to do all the caring because you're a woman and finds its silly to expect your brother to do it because he's a man.

Your Dad probably holds the view that it's a woman's job and a daughter's duty to be a carer. Men (including his son) are far too important and it's not their role. This kind of patriarchal shit is very much alive and thriving.

You cannot make your brother step up and help. And if you build up festering resentment it will only serve to make you really really angry at the unfairness of it all.

It will be up to you to put in place your own boundaries about how much you are willing to step in and help them. As their needs increase, other help can be put in place.

I have brothers and they've all been effing useless lazy bastards because that's what the daughter is for, right?

@FatAntelope sorry I said it was my brother so as to remain anonymous but in fact it is a sister. So the male/female responsibilities don't apply
She absolutely knows how much I do.

She sees it when she's around. Still no help

You want him to turn down a job. That's exactly what you're expecting.
He absolutly does not have to factor you or them into that decision and the fact you think that is ridiculous.

The selfish ones are your parents
They are not his responsibility

Sister even - you cannot make a sibling step up if they don't want to.

@Bigbadfish it's not turning down a job it's about not applying for a job that is so far away she won't be able to help in the future

(And I agree about failure to plan. I have no intention of demanding any care whatsoever from my kids.)

We are not responsible for our parents. End of.

I think it depends very much how much responsibility one views as reasonable to take on.

My DPs are in their 80s and live an hour away. I'm the only DC. I do very little household chores when I visit, apart from buying some groceries they like from supermarkets they don't go to, and DH is required to carry out small DIY tasks.

When they need further assistance then Illness happily do things like arrange their online shopping for them - DF does it at the minute but he may not remember how to do it forever - and arrange home help for them.

I can scarcely keep on top of my own home, never mind theirs as well. I'd be able to do a one off task like a huge clear out of their clutter to make it easier to keep clean, but the actual cleaning- not unless there was absolutely no other option.

I don't think your DB is being selfish. He needs to live his life. As he has no DCs presumably he'll have to look after himself when he gets elderly.

Again. The same thing.
Teh world us massive and brilliant it's disgusting to think anyone would restrict their children in such a way.

So outsource anything you can. If they don't already get them to claim attendance allowance to pay for it. If they do, get them to use it to pay for help. Household tasks, gardening , personal care can all be outsourced. If they have money they need to use it, if they don't they need to speak to social services to see what help they can get.

The next time your brother is due to visit your parents, don't do anything at all for them in the previous two days. Leave them cold meals, that's all. Let him walk in on their mess and their complaints. I've done this in desperation, trying to protect my husband from his demanding, domineering mother. She just couldn't believe that he didn't visit her for three days!! It worked, she got a h*LL of a shock, because she hadn't appreciated what he'd been doing for her.

What plans do your parents have in place for their care so that they do not burden their children?

Your sister has a right to live her life as do you. I don't think she's in the wrong at all.

Ultimately your parents have capacity and therefore have the ability to make choices regarding their care and any requirements they need and which could go on for a long time. They are only in their mid 70's. I would be more angry at the burden they place on you and your immediate family than your sister.

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