Dealing With Social Services

[AgitatedGoose]

My elderly mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s nearly three years ago and my Dad is her sole carer. There’s no other family and I’m an only child. My DH and I live 3-4 hours drive away and we both work full time. Mum has been in hospital since mid August and is about to be discharged for a four week period to a care home where they’ll assess her care needs and presumably make a decision about whether she can go home or not. Personally I think she needs a care home as she has numerous behavioural problems and has become doubly incontinent since being in hospital. Dad, however wants her home. I’ve struggled emotionally since Mums diagnosis and have tried to limit my involvement. I had a dysfunctional and emotionally traumatic childhood and have never had any help to deal with stuff that happened. I’m often amazed I’ve achieved the things I have - degree, job, marriage, own house etc. It’s taken years though and in between I’ve had some extremely tough times. I appear to function well but often feel a complete train wreck inside. Although I’ve maintained infrequent contact with my parents it’s been entirely out of a sense of duty. My Mum has always put me down and nothing I’ve achieved has ever been good enough. My parents have never helped me financially and shortly after her diagnosis Mum gave her entire life savings to a charity.
Any contact with my parents really stresses me out and I’ve really struggled with the increased contact either from them or about them. Although we only visit every 4-6 weeks this is considerably more than pre diagnosis. . I’m also finding the cost of the visits financially difficult as nether DH or I have well paid jobs.
I’m at the point where I just want to walk away as I can see this continuing for years.How do I deal with social services who will no doubt try to coerce me into doing more. I’m sure they won’t see the distance as a problem or the fact I have a full time job. I’m absolutely dreading the Best Interests meeting and am wondering whether non attendance would give them a clearer message about how feel or whether I need to make my position very clear.

I would not attend Best Interests meeting but I.d write a polite note to social services to advise of your non-attendance.
Very tough gig. Don’t assume that the social work team automatically disagree with your stance. They probably will have more empathy than you think.
Well done on what you have achieved in spite of their obstacles.

My parents have never helped me financially and shortly after her diagnosis Mum gave her entire life savings to a charity. That may cause problems if she does require care. The LA may treat that as “deprivation of assets” and treat her as if she still had the money when they do a financial assessment. Keep well clear, do not agree to top up payments and do not agree to be a guarantor.

How do I deal with social services who will no doubt try to coerce me into doing more My experience is that SS are more understanding than neighbours and relatives who have no idea of the difficulties in caring for frail elderly people with cognitive problems. But do make your position clear, you are unable to contribute either financially or, because of distance, in any caring role. If you are confident at being able to hold your stance, then there could be an advantage in attending the best interests meeting just to know what is going on.

Don’t mention the gift to charity - leave that for the LA to discover for themselves. She may be lucky and they miss it.

How do I deal with social services who will no doubt try to coerce me into doing more.

I was a social worker for elderly people. SS will not coerce you into doing more, especially as you live so far away Also they have no right to delve into your finances. Insist on having a formal Carer's Assessment - you are entitled to this where a person is being assessed (your parents) is a "vulnerable adult."

If your mother was not of sound mind at the point when she gave away her money then it would not be seen as "deprivation of assets." You need not attend the meeting as I am sure you will be working on a weekday. They can send you the carer's assessment form for you to complete and sign and return.

Also SWs do understand how difficult childhoods can impinge on the family and what they feel able to do.

Just state clearly what you can and cannot do and leave it at that. Dealing with your own emotions about this is likely to be the challenge. I was in this position with my mother.

Many thanks for your reply. Yes I’m absolutely bricking it about the 50k charity donation even though I had nothing to do with it and appealed to the charity to give the money back. Her actions were the final slap in the face for me and further evidence of her thoughtfulness and insensitivity.

I've attended BI meetings as a social worker. The whole point is to get everyone's views and reach a consensus. If you don't attend your views might get missed. I would go and be v clear, they won't coerce you . Write a statement beforehand if u find it easier and read it out.

Is the best interests meeting virtual. I would just state my case, that yuk can't contribute. Hold firm on that and don't waiver. I'd get my Dh to sit in with me for support and make sure they didn't try to persuade me to take on any more.

If you don't want to get involved - don't, and let people know that you won't be participating in care. But this means you have no choice in what then happens and you might find this difficult to watch if your Dad chooses to have your mum at home and then struggles hugely or if he deteriorates living on his own with your mum in a care home.

It is your choice and it sounds like you are best to walk away for your own health, financial, physical and mental.

I'd attend and be very honest about what you intended to do. Don't commit to anything at all to avoid you being written into the care plan.

I'm so sorry @AgitatedGoose , I'm going through something similar

I had similar but was fairly local. Dad and I however were both clear that the time had come for mum to go into a nursing home. As she was self funding social services weren't pushing back hard when we declined their proposal of 4x carer visits a day.

All I would do is make it crystal clear to your dad that by having her home he's only kicking the ball further down the road - she's only going to get worse as time goes on and the falls, general chaos of someone demented living at home and bum wiping is going to be on him. Once she's home it will be harder to get help. Then I think you've done enough. Mum going into a nursing home was the best thing we could have done as it turned out. She thrived there and dad went to see her every day (pre covid) and it was just really nice all round. When covid hit, she knew all the staff and remained happy even if all we could do was wave through a window when we dropped off more shampoo etc

You don't have to attend - send your views in via email and be crystal clear you want no involvement in the decision making process or your parents ongoing care needs. No need to feel guilty and you can't be coerced if you don't allow it. What are SS going to do? Discharge your DM to your home address? The BI meeting is simply to gather views - you do NOT have to be there in person.

Is there any way you can join the BI meeting via Zoom or Teams? If you do decide not to attend, it's probably still a good idea to email your thoughts about the situation and how likely it is that your dad will be able to provide adequate care 24/7, without risking further crises. Reiterate that due to living some distance away, you aren't on hand to respond to the inevitable emergencies and can't be available to provide care.

You do not have to attend the BI meeting but it would be helpful if you send them an email stating your views. Also let them know you have a fractured relationship with your parents.

Dont worry, SS will not judge and will have seen it all before.

Many thanks to everyone who replied to my post and particularly for not judging me as it does seem to be a societal expectation that daughters step up when elderly parents need care. I really appreciate the support shown towards me as I feel I’ve been gaslighted when I’ve tried to talk about my upbringing in the past.

Right behind you OP. Stand your ground. Your life is worth it.

When did this £50K charity donation happen? What' the charity? I'd take it to the newspapers if it were possible, it's disgraceful they won't return it.

There should be a law against this sort of thing when it comes to elderly parents and you may have a legal case.

It was about 2.5 years ago. I did try to persuade the charity to return the donation to my Mum but they wouldn’t and I was up against their legal team. I would have needed my own solicitor which I couldn’t afford. I decided that as it wasn’t my money there was no point in pursuing it.

Outrageous they took the money!

How do they know? Are they going to means test all their supporters and ask for a medical report?

It's not about means testing, it's about the ethics of taking donations from people with diagnosed dementia giving away their worldly goods. I have had a much lesser problem with a donation my husband gave when he had a brain injury and he couldn't understand money or decimal places. I was very surprised the charity didn't see the problem but it was a small sum, not £50,000!

So how does the charity know about the dementia diagnosis?

OP, you sound like a wonderful human, who is filled with compassion, even for people who may not deserve it.

If you feel you're able, could you go to the meeting with someone with you for moral support, so you wouldn't feel pressured into agreeing to something you wouldn't actually feel comfortable with?

I just want to give you a hug

OP I hope you got a good outcome.

confused about Mischance saying "Insist on having a formal Carer's Assessment - you are entitled to this where a person is being assessed (your parents) is a "vulnerable adult.""

if you aren't involved, why would they assess you?

What a spiteful thing to do your you be giving the money away.

I just wanted to acknowledge that as I have lived a similar life to you and understand.

You get a carer’s assessment because you are a carer and need your needs, eg for respite, to be assessed