Possible Dementia

[I8toys]

We are having problems with DH's elderly parents. They live about an hour away - MIL late 70's, FIL early 80's. DH's brother lives about an hour from them also.

Issues began when lockdown eased and MIL began complaining that she thought FIL had dementia. She thought he had been hacked on his computer and DH/BIL had to go around try and make sense of their financial affairs as it was thought they had been scammed. She wanted POA arranged. This was started around this last time last year and has recently been put into place. At this time DH/BIL were winding themselves up to put them in care. They got them to visit some places, PIL didn't like them.

I advised DH to ring Dementia UK as I felt that was being overlooked in the face of all the financial worries. They gave him some great advice and he arranged a meeting with their doctor to discuss issues without mentioning the word dementia in front of PIL. He was put on the waiting list for the memory clinic. This was June and nothing has been arranged that we know of.

The problem is FIL obviously doesn't think anything is wrong. MIL doesn't want a dementia diagnosis because his driving licence will be taken away.
I get frustrated because its all drama one minute, knee jerk reactions and then it gets forgotten about until something happens again. I appreciate its an incredibly hard conversation to have but for their safety and security it surely needs to be discussed.

Again there are issues and MIL has had funny spells (nothing diagnosed) - one last week with ambulance called and DH/BIL are thinking about care homes etc again. Again I don't think PIL will like that and proposed maybe they could get help in the home but not sure we can get this without a diagnosis.

PIL are also going abroad on holiday soon which I find incredibly selfish after all of this going on. They already misplaced their passports a few times.

I just can't get my head around it all and have no idea how to help DH. Any suggestions on how to progress this would be greatly appreciated. I think DH is phoning the doctor again for an update especially after MIL's recent funny turn but surely the best option is for her go to the doctor herself and tell them everything that she is experiencing with FIL so a diagnosis can be speeded up but I don't think she will. I can understand that they are fighting this but nothing will change until something dangerous happens I fear and then it will have to.

It's common for someone with alzheimer's to think there is nothing wrong because they forget all the episodes of chaos they cause. My mum regularly complains her heating isn't working because she can't understand how the thermostat works anymore. But if you say mum that's the 3rd time this month she looks at you and says you must be getting confused with someone else and she means it! She literally can't remember that she has summoned one of us or British Gas before at all.
But generally better to look at care at home before a care home, especially for 2.

Thanks. I don't think MIL has dementia only FIL. Or can they both have it at the same time? How do we get that care in the first place if they won't admit they have it and are fighting it?

My mum was absolutely in denial and my poor dad who was very frail was frantic and it was putting him at risk. In the end each of us emailed their GP and explained why we were concerned. The GP invited her in for a "routine check up due to age" as otherwise she is fit as a fiddle and never sees the GP. GP took it from there. Mum can't remember any of the assessments or brain scan but we have a diagnosis and that has opened doors. It enabled us to a pivotell on loan from social services as she couldn't cope with a dossette box - if you get confused what day it is labelling with the days of the week doesn't help much. Mum is still convinced there is nothing wrong and that she manages her life fine even though she doesn't.
Your mum is probably just scared of what dementia means to them both and sticking her head in the sand.

Thanks @countrygirl99 that's very helpful.

Good luck. Luckily DB has power of attorney for mum.as today he has had to cancel an appointment to quote for a new boiler! In my experience in early stage alzheimer's family suffer but the patient is blissfully unaware. I actually envied mum for a few seconds the other week as despite getting 2 papers everyday she had completely forgotten about the Ukraine war and the fuel cost crisis.

So sorry you're going through this and yes, it is entirely possible for them to both have a cognitive decline at the same time unfortunately.

Agree too that it can be difficult to get them to seek help as they simply forget the problems that they're both experiencing.

Like a PP we got help for DMIL by contacting the GPs who called her in fir a "Well Woman Check".

It might also be worth talking to the Admiral Nurses. They might be able to advise on getting them both assessed for Dementia and a Care Needs Assessment.

Ideally you want to be able here if they do a Care Needs Assessment so that you've got clue about what's being said, especially as both of them seem to be having difficulty in accepting what's happening.

You avoid using dementia as a reason for care. “Slowing down a bit, normal at your age” “someone to do the boring stuff so you have more time to spend on the things you enjoy doing”.

*PIL are also going abroad on holiday soon which I find incredibly selfish after all of this going on.” They may be conscious that this will be their last holiday

PIL are also going abroad on holiday soon which I find incredibly selfish after all of this going on. They already misplaced their passports a few times.

With the power of hindsight (after all my parents' struggles), I don't see this as a selfish act. If it doesn't go as well as they hope it will certainly be the catalyst for change when they get back. Whatever implodes will be in plain sight and your MIL will be more likely to appreciate additional help.

FIL's driving licence needs to be withdrawn though as a matter of urgency.
If the holiday involves FIL driving abroad, I'd step in now.

Thanks everyone. I completely understand they want a holiday but DH is just worried they won't come back. They can't keep hold of their passport for more than 5 minutes. I worry that MIL will have a funny turn again and FIL won't be able to cope. Who will they call? Us! How far away is the Canary Islands?

I understand your concerns regarding the holiday. The last cruise my parents did was the November 2019. My dad was in his 90s and had started having falls and they were crossing the Bay of Biscay. I was convinced I would get a call from anywhere between Bordeaux and Lanzarote to say he was in hospital to the extent I kept a bag with wash kit, passport and phone charger ready to throw in appropriate clothes depending on location. In the end he was fine but realised it was now too tiring to travel. Not that he had another chance with covid. Is it a package so there are reps to herd them/deal with onsite issues?

I'm assuming they are booked on a package with others in their age group? The 'strangers' in their group I'm sure will step up and help them navigate the more complex aspects. I'm pretty sure there will be other travellers trying to mask their other half's dementia difficulties. The tour rep will have seen it before.
For your DH's peace of mind, maybe he could send them with a laminated sheet of phone numbers / emails addresses for someone to contact him.
Looking back, my parents did some crazy stuff, but would not be told 'No'.
Eventually their vehicle breaking down on the motorway with both of them walking a long the hard shoulder in different directions and being collected by a motorway cop car put paid to their escapades...

It could just be a long wait list but I would chase up GP and memory clinic just in case. Perhaps raise the upcoming holiday and and how alarming it is given your concerns.

It's going to be a difficult long road. It's going to be very frustrating. They are going to be very frustrating but they don't understand that somethings wrong so in their minds people telling them they are doing something wrong/ have forgotten something and so on are just being mean to them and it will be upsetting. It's hard not to do that as they look the same, they sound the same and they do a lot of things as normal.

As a pp said it's best that someone else is present with them at any appointment's going forward. I would set up a file with all paperwork and contacts. Make sure the LPA is registered with all relevant bodies. Is it financial and welfare and has it been done for both of them?

If you have concerns about them driving I would contact DVLA and say an assessment is pending.

For a lot of people even having home carers is quite an adjustment especially if they are not used to anyone coming in to do anything at all and requires a lot of trust. I envied a colleague, her mum went happily to a care home and would chat about the menu and chef!

For a lot of people even having home carers is quite an adjustment especially if they are not used to anyone coming in to do anything at all and requires a lot of trust. I envied a colleague, her mum went happily to a care home and would chat about the menu and chef

I read a tip on here recently where an MNer had introduced the Carer a a friend who was then more easily accepted by the DM.