Starting again

[Diversion]

Almost 12 months ago my Mum in law was taken ill, diabetes, UTI's, confusion and many falls often us being called to pick her up off the floor despite having an emergency button. She and her husband had carers 4 x a day and we were constantly being phoned to get this and that, light bulbs not working all hours of the day and night. She ended up in hospital for many weeks and he became ill at home and we had to put him in a home where she eventually joined him, we then had to move them to another care home and all that it involves. We have recently sold their home to pay for their care which they still are not happy about but they are both now safe and well and being cared for. they had very obvious hoarding issues and it took us weeks to make the house saleable. My Mum is now unwell and has been for a long time with a form of cancer for which she was put on a DNR after 5 x resus some years ago, this was removed after she had a discussion with her consultant when she recovered. We are supporting her and my Dad as much as we can although Dad is still well and able to drive and help with meals and housework etc. The prognosis is not good at all for Mum and we are helping as much as we can with things,cooking meals offering support with housework, shopping etc but she is very proud and refuses a lot of things, today we had a breakthrough where she requested a wheelchair which my husband and I had discussed on the QT due to her reluctance for support.I know that they have a will but havent put a POA in place due to the cost and I do have knowledge of her end of life wishes. I am not sleeping am sure that Mum and Dad aren't sleeping well either and I am not being selfish but I am really struggling with doing all of this again especially with Mum's reluctance for help. Will speak to her tomorrow about attendance allowance (I speak to them daily and visit often) and try and encourage her to let me apply for this so that they can get help with housework, carers etc if needed in the coming weeks. How do we do all of this again so soon? We will, because we have to but I am really struggling. No judgement please. I think that I am grieving in advance of the inevitable.

It’s incredibly difficult, OP.
My DSis and I knew ten years in advance where we were headed. It doesn’t make it easier, just more frustrating. I think advance grief is exactly what you are going through. Be kind to yourself.

That’s a lot to go through in less than a year so sending you 💐
I think adrenaline gets you through a certain amount and then it becomes a struggle.

my mum had carers daily following a stroke. My Dad then got a cancer diagnosis but flatly refused the carers to prepare meals so I ended up visiting daily!! I ended up with severe anxiety about how things would play out with Dad as his health declined, couldn’t sleep - anticipatory grief.
My GP arranged online CBT which helped. I do wish I’d made time for me- even just to go for a quick walk or coffee with a friend as the caring became all-consuming.
It’s worth looking at the online forums on Carers UK- lots of kind advice.

Oh gosh I'm not surprised that you're struggling @Diversion.

Please do get in touch with your local Carer's Hub as another poster suggested and do talk to your GP as well.

As for your DM, do you think that talking to her honestly would help. Would she get the AA so that they could have a cleaner and maybe a Carer to make things easier for you?

Hi,
I'm a live-in care provider (Live in your own home and provide care 24/7 - alternative to care homes) and have come across this situation so many times when I'm talking to families. I always approached reluctant clients by saying that "they still can maintain their independence and have ownership of their own home. All I'm doing is providing an extra pair of hands." It's difficult especially when one of the partners acted as carer and stoppped being a spouse. The idea is to say that they can still do the cooking etc, they are still in charge and the extra hands will merely be there to support them. It generally persuades them to give it a try and after a few weeks they begin to accept the new carer in the home and slowly let them do more as they sit with their partner enjoying each others company.

Thank you all for your lovely comments, Mum now has her wheelchair and sent me a photo of her sitting in it, a very big thing for her as she has never wanted to be seen as being unwell. She has also agreed to allow me to complete the attendance allowance forms for her. Neither are pleasant things to have to do but if I can keep her as well as I can for as long as I can with a little extra help things will hopefully feel a little bit better for them.

Glad things are looking a little more positive @Diversion . The important thing when filling in the Attendance Allowance form is to think of what she is like in her worst times, not what she might be able to do sometimes but her worst days and base it on that.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you