Sister and I can't agree regarding Mum's care

[gandalf456]

In a nutshell, Mum has dementia and is still at home with carers coming in 2 x per day, some of whom are better than others. She also drinks a lot of alcohol, which we are getting under control slowly as suggested by the social workers. She seems so much better as a result.

My sister very much wants Mum to go into a care home, whereas I would like to keep her at home a little longer. Earlier in the year, she broke her hip and had a long stay in hospital where she became increasinlgy confused and fought everyday with us and the staff to come home. This has really put me off elderly care

We are both local. At the moment, I am going round her house daily - except one day a week when my sister goes round. After these visits, she gets very emotional and rants on and on at me on the phone about how Mum would be better off in a home and how I am burying my head in the sand and the stress is causing her all kinds of health problems.

Apart from the reasons above, some of my reluctance comes from the fact that my sister is not very reliable and it is likely that she would not be very hands on with the work involved in getting this organised financially, practically and would not visit very regularly.

I do believe, for now, she would be happier where she is and a home would disorientate her and make her dementia worse.

Unfortunately, my sister can be very overbearing and we do have a difficult relationship. I want to make this decision because it is best for her and I feel it in my heart and I don't but fear I'll end up agreeing because of the pressure.

Don't get me wrong, I can see some advantages but not enough to take the leap of faith. Has anyone been in this situation and how did it work out?

This has been a really helpful thread for me. I'm an only DC, so no argument about who is responsible, but as I have a family and live an hour away there's a limit to how much hands on care I can provide.

Both DPs are just about managing together but this thread shows that it's a really good idea to research options before the time is needed, rather than ending up in crises situation.

I got a phone call from my sister at 10.30 wanting to have a chat about things last night. I didnt answer because I was about to go to bed but then it unsettled me and I couldn't sleep. I suppose I need to call back but can't face it as the thought of it makes me so anxious.

I have had a chat with a couple of people - one from the local authority and another legal person. I have also emailed one of the homes who sent me some factsheets.

But I don't think Mum is ready for a home yet she's doing much better since the reduction in her alcohol intake and I just can't do it

We left it too late with my MIL. We wanted her to start at home for as long as possible, but it ended badly. She was found wandering a mile from home at 5am, by police on a routine patrol. So then a place had to be found urgently and we had no choice where. Fortunately it turned it to be a lovely home, but it might not have been. Also it was harder for MIL to adapt because she was too far gone to understand what was happening.

So yes, while I don't know your mum, I would very much suggest that you start choosing a place now, and don't leave it too late and risk something bad happening to your mum.

I'm sure DS is being difficult, but don't get caught up in fighting her for the sake of it. She might be difficult but she might also be right.

Folliw your instincts and do what feels right for you and your mum at the present moment. Will your sister step back if you can get more care visits? My situation was so similar to yours so I can empathise. I ended up doing all the care which was the hardest thing I’ve done, but also found it hard when it was suggested to me by family and friends that I ‘put’ my mum in a home, she had fluctuating capacity and certainly didn’t want to go in one. I never understood how you could force someone to go against their wishes.
I was advised by the regular visiting health professionals to wait for a crisis and on reflection that was good advice. Wishing you all the best.

I was advised by the regular visiting health professionals to wait for a crisis and on reflection that was good advice

That's terrible advice, and puts the elderly person at risk (see my post above about what happened to my MIL).
That 'helpful' crisis could be devastating and life threatening for the person it actually happens to. It's appalling that those professionals actively suggested putting the person involved at risk.

In our situation it was good advice and I am glad we took it.

It might have worked out well for you, but that doesn't make it good advice from professionals who, at the time they gave it, had no idea what form the crisis might take.

My gran's crisis set the kitchen on fire. Goodness knows what would have happened to my MIL had the police patrol not been passing (she was heading for a wooded area). Another person's crisis might be a fall and a broken hip.
Professionals absolutely should not give advice that puts an elderly and confused person's life at risk.

I think the health professionals could assess our situation and give advice they saw fit. Not going into too many needless details but my mum lived with us and was under constant care-and I mean constant. As I said previously’ in our situation’ it was good advice from the hp’s and fitted us. Obviously it doesn’t fit ever situation because every situation is different.

Researching prior to and preparing for a crisis means that you can cope easier.
It doesn't mean you have to react straight away.
Waiting for it to happen and then reacting can ultimately pile stress on to everybody involved and also leave the vulnerable person at risk of falling through the cracks or at worst serious harm.

But I don't think Mum is ready for a home yet she's doing much better since the reduction in her alcohol intake and I just can't do it

If you DM doesn't want to go into a home but is refusing Daycare, she's not being very fair to you or your DSis.

Could you talk to your DM again and say you want her to go to Daycare because you and DSis can't cope?

Would your sister prefer to step back completely and rescind her poa, if you cannot agree then either one of you takes control of all the decisions or you involve a third party to mediate.

Whether or not family have POA, the client is entitled to support from an independent advocate when there is family
conflict. The local authority adult services usually commission this from the local
advocacy service.

Thats good advice about the advocscy service but who requests it

It would be the assessing social worker. If there is no open referral to adult services then you can ring and request for some support, which would include an advocacy referral.

The process may differ in different areas so it’s worth a call to find out.

Thanks. Just been discharged by sicial worker. Maybe I'll re refer

Having experienced both employing live in carers and carehome placement for close relatives over the past few years I would recommend live in carers as they can give one to one attention to their client whilst in a carehome staff have to be shared, and frequently change. Obviously this is greatly influenced by the person to be cared for as carehomes can usually provide a lot more services and activities eg hairdresser coming in, quizzes, live music etc, but my relative in a carehome felt totally out of place there and often called with complaints about staff not appearing when she called for help eg. to get to the toilet, or to let her go to bed or get up, all of which required assistance.
Live in carers were in almost all cases very good although with different individual strengths - one Greek girl was an enthusiastic cook who prepared lovely fresh meals for my DFIL, who agreed to try all sorts of ‘foreign’ food she prepared, whilst others used frozen meals plus fresh veg/ fruit etc but spent lots of time on shared activities. Admittedly my DFIL was an easy and generally compliant Parkinsons patient, whist my Aunt in the carehome was an ex academic in early stages of dementia and could be cantankerous, wheelchair bound, and didn’t really interact with fellow residents.
I hope you can reach a satisfactory resolution as it’s very wearing having to deal with it all. Do take care of yourself.