Speaking to DM's health professionals - a bit long, sorry.

[JillyTownMouse]

I am hoping to get an objective view from people so hope that you'll read this and tell me what you think.
My mother is in her late 80s, is physically infirm. She lives with my Dsis & family..
My sis is named as her next of kin and we are both on DMs GP records as her carers.
My sis works full time so it's me who takes her for medical appointments – and there do seem to be lots of them. It's tiresome but ok really.

For some reason my DM's GP has got my nephew's phone number as contact number so when surgery want her to make an appointment (eg diabetic review) they phone him and he makes the appointment, although it's very usually me who takes her. He's not named as carer on her records
He is also the person they speak to when they've got test results to give or DM has a phone appointment (she's deaf) & he often chats to the Dr.
He then relays information to me. So, I get face to face info from clinics, he gets phone information.

He is very helpful, but, I do wonder if he gives me accurate information.
For example, he recently told me that during a phone consultation the GP had said my DM has gout. I went with her to the surgery a couple of weeks later and mentioned this to the GP who looked through DM's records and said there is no mention of gout and no tests had been done. The Dr was mystified where this had come from. I felt a bit of a fool. This has happened a few times with various medical things.

I don't know what to do.
My first thought is to get my mother's contact number changed so that phone calls etc come to me. This wouldn't be particularly convenient for me because my sister lives about 30 minutes away and I don't visit everyday. It would probably mean more and longer visits and Im trying very hard to put boundaries in place with my mother regarding how long I spend with her – she'd have me there 24/7 if she could.

I could try stop being a control freak and hand my mother's healthcare over to my nephew. But I wonder if he knows what he's doing, sometimes things seem quite muddled up.

We could carry on as we are with me not being sure that Im getting full and accurate information.

All opinions welcome.

Could your mum have given your nephews name and number, do you know who she wants the doctor to contact.

I'd also ask what your mother would like.

I'd expect that your sister as NOK would be the main contact and I wonder if she perhaps gave them her son's number, either because her phone was out of use at the time or because she too feels overwhelmed by your mum's needs and wanted a bit of distance.

I would say tbh that I don't see why your mum having your number as the GP's contact would add a lot to your existing workload - wouldn't having accurate information mean less workload?

I'd discuss this with your mum and your sister and I'd get your number added and your nephew's taken off.

And I'd also look at whether some care in place would help you both to have more time.

I know my mum would prefer that the GP had my number rather than nephew's.

I don't know how nephew's number has ended up being my DMs contact number for GP. I think it probably happened by accident when he booked Covid boosters for all in the family. It's caused confusion because when surgery send out texts saying, eg. "Dr XYZ has requested you make an appointment for a blood test", nephew doesn't know whether the test request is for him or DM and it get s a bit silly with phone calls to surgery etc to try & clarify. I sometimes wonder if he enjoys the drama of it and he is quite bossy.

I dont want to hurt his feelings or for it to look like I think he doesn't know what he'd doing (even though that is what I think)

I am in the process of applying for attendance allowance on behalf of my mum. I very much hope some of this can be used to pay for some care hours for her.

Your mum needs to go through the legal process of giving you (or whoever she wants) power of attorney. They definitely shouldn’t be speaking to anyone without your mums permission

Your mum needs to speak or write to her gp and state who is to be first contact and remove nephews number if thats what she wants. Also ask her to think about appointing poa to you and your sister.

Who has her poa for health and welfare? If you haven't done poa then do it and change contact details accordingly

Thank you for the suggestions about a health POA. My job for today is to look into this and try and get this sorted out. In the meantime, me & mum will visit the surgery with a letter from her to try and get contact details changed.

I felt so annoyed yesterday. Went round at lunchtime to pick mum up & had conversation that, paraphrased went along these lines:

Neph "Ive had a text from surgery. Gran's appointment has been cancelled"
Me "What appointment? I didn't know there was one"
Neph "Hmm, maybe they meant my appointment has been cancelled"

I'm none wiser about whether there was an appointment for mum or not, whether it needs to be rebooked, what it was for..... DSis didn't have any idea either and although mum is mentally competent she goes into helpless/hopeless mode as far as medical stuff is concerned. She was the same when stepdad was alive, he sorted it all out for her.

Also, for some reason, my mum's hospital contact number seems to have diverted to neph too. The hospital have been phoning him regarding an appointment for a diabetic eyescreen. They've always had my contact number before so I don't why the sudden change. If there is a POA in place, regarding health, how would hospital know, and what's to stop anyone putting themselves as the main contact?

I don't want to speak badly of neph. He does a lot for mum around the house but he is a bit of a busybody and not a particularly competent one at that. Another thing that does concern me is that neph told me that if GP phones for a telephone appointment with mum it comes through to his phone and he can tell them "Gran is asleep or Gran''s hearing aid is broken" but I'm her carer", and they then speak to him without even touching base with mum. Surely this is a breach of some kind of rules on GP practice's part?

TBH it sounds like a simple admin error. We had this when we were on holiday and contacts for ILs were temporarily changed to BIL with carers and social services. When we came back he was still getting calls from day centres, technical support etc for weeks as referrals in that period were given his number but by the time stuff was actioned we were back and they didn't update their records when he told them.

there is a POA in place, regarding health, how would hospital know, and what's to stop anyone putting themselves as the main contact? The hospital will know about the PoA only if you tell them

Hospitals will specifically ask about POA and ask for the paperwork as proof which will be scanned into notes. They will usually also have access to other health records eg GP. Without it they are limited what they can say to anyone else and Health care staff will makes decisions