Feeling So Guilty

[Icequeen01]

My DM 82 fell and broke her hip in August and spent over 6 weeks in hospital. Her recovery has been pretty remarkable and she is now walking very steadily with walking frames both inside and outside. She is one determined woman and I'm very proud of her. She is going to return home in the next couple of days (which is very local to me) and I know she's looking forward to that but is understandably anxious too. I will spend the first few nights with her to ensure she is settled and I'm around if she needs help.

When she left hospital she came to live with me and she has been with us about 6 weeks. This has worked well.

She had been having a few memory issues prior to the fall but since the fall this has definitely worsened. I have to repeat lots of things and she can be very forgetful. Today she mislaid some washing that she had kindly taken out of my washing machine for me whilst I was out. Long story short we both ended up getting cross with each other. I could see mum was getting upset and confused but I still couldn't stop my irritation as she had me looking all over the house for the laundry. I feel so shit tonight and don't understand why I got so irritated with her. I was devastated when she had her accident and we were so worried that she might not recover. Now I'm being a bitch to her.

Sorry for the post but I just needed to vent really.

Could you do something to help her memory? Notes or reminders or lists. It is frustrating when you have to constantly repeat yourself and it still doesn’t seem to help but it isn’t her fault. Can you afford a bit of help? That might take the pressure off you as well. I think you need to plan what is going to happen next. How is she going to manage at home or is she going to stay with you? Then you will know what support she and you need long term. It’s a really worrying time when elderly parents become frail but it is also a strain so don’t blame yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply. That's why I feel so shit. I know she can't help it 😢

I work full time so I have been writing a daily list with the day and date on it plus any daily reminders she needs and she has found this helpful. I've just been googling to see if there are any other resources that would be useful.

We have been spending a few hours a day at her house (I'm currently on holiday) so she can familiarise herself with things. She's managed to remember most things but had to go through all her kitchen cupboards and wardrobes reminding herself where things are. She went away at the beginning of August to stay with a relative 150 miles away which is where she had her fall. She then stayed in a hospital in that area for 2 weeks but had to be transferred back to her local hospital to be able to access all the services she would need. She was in our local hospital for another 3 weeks. She then came and stayed with me so the upheaval for her has been huge.

I'm confident she will cope (at least at the moment) back home and I actually live next door so she also has my DH and DS to help out. I am hoping when she goes home it won't be so intense.

I already feel better just having written this down. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully we can make it a good one this time.

You live next door to her ?

Yes 😀

This will totally "out" me. My mum bought the house next door to us over 20 years ago. She had been living on her own some distance away and after my dad left her and I was pregnant with my DS we mutually agreed she would move locally to us to look after my DS when I went back to work. The house next door came up for sale and the rest is history as they say.

I guess it's now our turn to look after her.

My Mum sadly passed away a few years ago but what you describe is very familiar!
I loved her to bits but still got grumpy with her, often it seemed more so after a period when she'd been unwell and I had been especially patient and/or worried.
We are all only human and do get tired and fractious - I think that it can be a very normal reaction to stress.
Your Mum will probably be better and less confused when back in her own home. Keep an eye on the memory though - interventions and support are much more effective if you can get them in place before it gets too bad.

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum 😢

I do think she will be less confused once she is back in her own home. I think I'm just knackered to be honest. It's been a long and stressful road and I wasn't feeling well last week so I think that's why my patience hasn't been what it should be.

I most certainly will be keeping an eye on her memory issues. It caused us a few problems when she was in hospital. We do have a PoA in place but of course couldn't use that as she is still very much with it and able to make her own decisions.