My mother needs mental health help but won't accept it

[User15643289]

Hi this is going to be long but I'm hugely grateful for any advice.

My mother is 70, so she's old but by no means on her last legs. She lives around 90 minutes from me. I am a busy mother with 3 small kids under the age of 11. I have a brother but he lives abroad. Our father died when I was a baby so she's always lived alone.

Up until 2020, we had a functional relationship. She would drive to see me and my boys and stay for a long weekend once every few months. We'd often go to visit her for the day and meet up half way and have lunch etc. But essentially in 2020 she broke her arm and because of that and covid, she's since become agoraphobic. She now barely leaves the house other than to go to a few key places.

She won't come and visit us unless we drive her here, and when she gets here she's clearly anxious and always in a bad mood. She doesn't interact with the kids or us at all. It's honestly like having a difficult teenager to stay and then I spend 3 hrs driving her home 😑.

She makes out that she has lots going on because she makes loads of plans, but she consistently cancels them all. (I was going to go for the walk with Joan, but on the day I didn't sleep well so I decided not to.... Or .... I didn't fancy brunch in the end as it was so noisy last time and Kathleen was annoying). Increasingly she's doing very very little. She is anxious she might fall and will essentially be abandoned on her own on the street/shop/park so she'd rather not go. Although she's not always honest about it, she has said as much and I am certain this is the crux of her anxiety.

The thing is, she's very healthy! Annoyingly so! She eats well, she looks great, she's relatively fit, she has years left in her, but she clearly feels 'old' now and is struggling.

We don't have the best relationship and never have. I find her very very hard work. She still to this day treats me like a petulant teenager, never thanks me for anything and tells me how to parent. My childhood was not idyllic. I have been close to going low contact a few times in my life but have kept up the relationship for the sake of my kids.

She really really needs some support, some mental health help. She's obviously depressed and incredibly anxious. She should be out, enjoying life (she retired 2 yrs ago) but instead she's at home moping, not doing anything other than watching reruns of old films on TV. I have suggested help and said I'd help find it but that was very quickly shot down.

Is there ANYTHING I can do? I can't keep going like this for another 15 years, it's like having another child to look after. My MIL is 3 years older and spends several hours a week with the kids, enjoying time with them and us. Just today she joined us for lunch and a walk. My own mother is just missing out on so much life!!

I feel like this is a real new stage in our relationship, where I am now the caregiver and the 'adult' and I'm not sure how to do it?! Help and advice all appreciate.

If she doesn’t go out much there could be a fair chance she’s low in vitamin D, that causes anxiety and depression, it’s also quite common for older people to be low in B12 which can cause the same. Of course it might just be because she has lost confidence after her break & the isolation of covid -I know several older people suffering similar-but it would be worth her getting blood tests to rule out treatable causes for her symptoms & the sudden change.

Do you think your Mother would move nearer to you?

You could see her for, say, 30 mins if she loved significantly nearer. A new start for her perhaps?

Lived, not loved!

@StrikeandRobin that's a good shout, and possibly a good way in ... If the blood tests show she isn't low then we've almost acknowledged she's definitely not feeling right.

@Mosaic123 she has talked about it, yes, years ago. She's very attached to where she lives though and I worry that she'd end up with no friends at all. She does have people now who call in on her and visit. Not loads, granted but a few. She is also VERY stuck in her ways and she has a really long list of requirements that realistically she'd never get if she moved. Things like the garden has to be south facing and there mustn't be dogs living nearby as she doesn't like the barking. Same for children, she doesn't want to live next to a noisy family.... So realistically I think it's unlikely. I am also no sure I want her to 😬 I think she really would be like my 4th child then.

The distance will get much harder as she ages.

I'd get her to move 10 minutes up the road. Even if you don't have the best of relationships, popping in for a cup of tea a couple of times a week is much easier than a long drive/visit less often.

If she's being a pain and you need to get away, you can always give an excuse that you need to get back home for a particular time.

My mil went exactly the same.
she had a fall in her apartment and broke her femur . She was in hospital for weeks in a room to herself (not good for her as she’s quite talkative) from there she went to rehab for a few weeks which turned into a couple of months because they couldn’t get any care package together for her, so that took a while.
after coming home to get apartment, she didn’t like the carpets coming in(she didn’t need them)
my sil who lives the nearest 8 mls was doing her shopping,cleaning and ordering meals.

she suddenly stopped going to the lounge for coffee and social nights, but was ok if people visited her.
She was doing a little cooking easy things until she forgot she left a pan on cooker(that was it then)
She would tell us she’d been down to the lounge and gone a walk every day down the corridor (leg exercise) but she hadn’t
She stopped everything, eventually some 2 yrs later she became very forgetful and developed Alzheimer’s gradually getting worse where sil couldn’t cope anymore so she had to go into a home

she as been there now about 7 mths and been out of her room twice at the most. She sit there all day with the tv on that she can hardly see because of cataracts (which she won’t have done)

sorry but if she doesn’t get help to get out and about to get her confidence back it will get worse
id get her nearer you asap in an apartment with assisted living. Where if she gains confidence can join in but also have her own luxury apartment
you can not do a 3 hr trip every time something goes wrong especially with young children

Similar experience here.

I think it's the isolation when you're not feeling 100% is a major factor. If you've ever been injured and on your own at home/can't get out/no one to pop in for a cup of tea, you'll understand. It's awful.

Even if she's not the most sociable, it's better to have people nearby who will pop in. It's the best chance of helping her to lift her mood and thereby help herself. However, don't hold your breath! There are lots of threads on here about difficult elderly mothers.

The best thing for me would have been having my Mum down the road. Could then pop in for a quick chat/cup of tea/fix the tv remote/look at the gas bill then go. She then feels supported and you don't feel overwhelmed by trekking god knows how far with three small children.

The situation you're in isn't going to get better, sorry. You need to work out a plan that makes your life as easy as possible. Bit depressing I know but 70 is the perfect time to get this sorted before she really does go downhill.

These are really helpful posts, thank you.

It will be hard to get her to move - she's absolutely nowhere near assisted living though. She quite easily and happily manages her 4 bed home and is fine with the stairs etc. She only retired a year ago (turned 70 this summer) and really is in good health.

When she looked at places near us a few years ago she wouldn't even consider downsizing. She hates flats (the people above might be noisy) and unfortunately the houses near us are all too expensive. She also doesn't need a 4 bed house!!!

I still worry too that by moving she will end up with no friends at all. Just me. Literally just me. And that's a lot of pressure. She does have good friends nearby, I'd say she has someone pop round a few times a week. There is no way they will be visiting if she moves.

Maybe it's a case of waiting a few more years until she will consider assisted living.

It definitely is only going to get worse, I can see that. I try to talk about it with her but she really won't engage. I can't see that being more forceful would help, but maybe I do need to push it a bit more? I honestly think a round of anti depressants and some CBT or therapy would give her at least 5 years of excellent life quality back. My brother and her close friend agree.