Reliant elderly neighbour

[Stitchelephant]

My partner and I live next door to an elderly lady who we do know fairly well, and has always asked us to do odd jobs which we don't mind. A few months ago she asked if we would collect her morning papers for a few weeks as her doctor told her to stop going out alone. This has turned into a few months and now she doesn't ask, she just gives us the vouchers for the newspapers and expects us to keep collecting. She is also asking us to take her to doctors appointments, hospital appointments, etc. and we don't feel like we can say no so we have been doing. I tried to broach the subject with her about maybe getting her newspapers delivered, as she always says she has a lot of money, however she just said I can get them for her at any point in the day if the morning is the issue (which it isn't, but I wasn't getting through).
I feel bad as she doesn't have any family nearby, her stepchildren live at the other end of the country, but also I feel like she is asking quite a lot of us now. My partner and I work full time and also study part time and volunteer in the community so we are very busy. We don't mind helping every now and then, but I don't really know how to tell her we can't keep doing things all the time for her. Any help appreciated!

You have to say that you can’t do it anymore. She needs to organise delivery.

You need to set boundaries as the neighbour will become more reliant.
Is there a community organisation which can help with transport for her appointments?
Can you contact ASC to do a needs assessment and set up appropriate support.
The problem with helping so much shows if either you, your DH or both are ill or decide on a spontaneous weekend break/holiday or anything which makes you unable to maintain the support. This is where paid help wins out because they can provide an alternative in such instances.
Please look after yourself, this is in neighbours interests too.

Where we live there is a ‘Good Neighbour’ scheme of volunteers who help out people such as your neighbour. Could you see if there is anything similar so that she has someone else she can rely on for lifts to appointments etc. Sounds too much for you and whilst you don’t have to stop helping completely you’ve already been very generous with your time.

Just don’t. Don’t get the newspapers, tell her you haven’t had time that day, refuse to take the vouchers saying you don’t know whether you’ll be going to the shops. Shell live!

Phase out the appointment support. Tell her you can’t do that day but you can help her book a taxi. Then get her booking her own taxis. Gradually withdraw.

You have to say no, somehow.

You could explain that you can’t do x but you can do y.

Tell her you can't commit to helping and suggest she employs someone who can.

Decide how much support you can give and start saying no to more. Appointments will become an absolute time sponge - definitely say no but help her find alternative provision.

We have a group of community volunteers here, many of them retired, who could be contacted to do this wort of thing. I'd get in touch, explain that with your full-time work and so on you can't continue to do daily jobs for NDN and ask if anyone is available to assist.

I'd talk to the newsagent and find out how much it is to get the paper delivered, then just tell her how to set it up 'because we're not going to be able to keep doing it every day for you.'

Being old doesn't give you the right to use and abuse people. You sound like excellent neighbours.

I had similar. We are still talking!

I just said, Mary I can't do the same things for you every day of the week anymore. I'll arrange to get your shopping delivered etc. and I'll always be there in an emergency. Gradual withdrawal as others have said. It's not easy but it has to be done.

There is an organisation in our location that vets and provides handymen to do bits and bobs around the houses of seniors, and a volunteer school/scouts initiative where the older kids will cut lawns and tidy gardens. I do put out and take in her bins and bits and pieces, but as and when I have time, no schedule.

You can be a CF even if you're elderly.

Not sure what medical condition stops you going out alone - sounds like complete bullshit to me.

"I'm afraid we can't get your paper every day for you, here's the number of someone who will deliver". "we can't take you to the GP, here's the number of the local volutneers/taxi company/hospital transport service"

You may need to role-play saying no with DP so you're prepared 😁

If she’s got plenty of money to arrange delivery, and she doesn’t see her family that don’t live nearby enough, it sounds like it’s the human contact element of your help she needs rather than the actual papers iyswim

I had the same with a less abled neighbour and her adult daughter. The father passed away and was the only one with a license. My "let me know if there's anything I can do" turned into them expecting me to drive them around all the time or do their shopping because they couldn't or wouldn't walk to the shops. They'd call or text me or knock on my door to let me know they needed the shop but as it was pouring down they were going to be needing a lift (or more often asking me to just get it them or lend them what I have in).

When I made excuses as to why I couldn't go pick them up a loaf or a paper etc I'd be told that it was okay, any time I was out would be fine. Many times I left the house I'd be messaged and asked to pick Items up. I couldn't even hide the fact I was in or out as my house has a very open front with no way of hiding without closing blinds or curtains and there's nowhere I can hide my car. (Not that parking away from my house would be slightly acceptable to me)
Picking up a couple of extra items from a local shop doesn't seem like a huge chore but quite honestly I got fucking sick of it. It's extra mental load. It takes more time. It's awkward. It also doesn't help that they want stuff from specific shops because the other nearby store charges more.
I'm sorry my neighbour isn't physically able to walk to the shop without a lot of effort but it's just not my problem to solve.

It's amazing how the odd favour with good, honest gratitude for it turns into expectations without so much as a please anymore.

"Is there any chance please that you could possibly......"
Turns into, "I'm going to need you to...." or them even just letting you know that they have an appointment on X day at X time and not even asking IF you could take them.

It's taken month of using a list of pre-chosen excuses to wean my neighbour off without causing a big fallout. Favours now extend only to taking parcels in and the odd cup of sugar. As it should be.

OP you need to tell your neighbour that you're now unable to do any more paper or appointment runs as you have another job or commitment to do each day and you have no more time for errands. Make up a fake new job, or can you pretend you're out all day?
If someone can get away without paying for a service they will. She won't voluntarily start paying for something that's not inconveniencing her. She'd only pay if it was saving HER a job.

If you offer help, do it ON YOUR TERMS.

No need to deliver her newspapers on publication day, or every day. Deliver them in bulk once or twice a week.

Unfortunately your car is in the garage/ you have a little problem so very sorry, you can't take her to that DR appt.

If  your terms don't suit her, she'll  find someone else.

Suggest she employ a private carer for an hour a day to pick up the newspaper and any shopping/prescription she needs and if she doesn't need carer tasks that day they can always do a little light housework instead to use up the hour. I'm a private carer and I do this for a number of clients it's £20 an hour

Been there OP and I just had to completely pull back and say no to everything. I felt like a shit doing it and would honestly have been happy to continue being 'neighbourly' but the odd favour was never enough and I just couldn't commit to what my neighbour was asking of me.

It took a couple of weeks of 'can't stop, I'm late!' when they caught me going out, failing to answer messages and then saying 'oh, I was so busy today I haven't had a minute to look at my phone' when they collared me coming home etc but they did gradually stop asking. I had already supplied all the info they could ever need about community groups etc who could help and had some contact with their family so they were aware I was pulling back and it didn't leave my neighbour high and dry but it had to be done, I simply don't have the time (or energy!) to provide the level of care they were asking for.

I suppose it's down to the way things are now, busy families, broken social care system etc and the result is more pressure on (usually female!) kindly neighbours to step in and fill the gap. It's unfair on all concerned but that's neither your fault nor your responsibility and, as you've learned, it very quickly becomes more than you can manage and an expectation rather than a favour.

Ultimately you cannot take on care for your neighbour (any more than I could for mine) and stepping right back is the only way they will ask for help from the appropriate places, my neighbour has carers and a social worker now and is doing ok.

Not sure what medical condition stops you going out alone - sounds like complete bullshit to me. Dementia, anything that makes you dizzy/liable to fall, epilepsy for a start.

Are you going away over Christmas, or any time soon?

I think I would say to her that you and your DH are about to get very busy with work and study exams, and won’t be able to help out with lifts and jobs and you don’t want her to find herself with no help. Suggest finding someone who is a ‘home help’ (do not use the word carer!), initially to cover the period you are away.

My aunt has a cleaner who is actually a general helper. Takes her shopping, to appointments, sorts things out for her. (And gets paid appropriately, before the MN outrage is triggered) .

If she goes to her local pharmacy/chemist, if she fills out a form, she may be able to get her repeat prescription delivered for free. She just has to phone or Internet to get the repeats delivered

Newsagents can deliver papers at a cost

Sorry you are in this situation OP. You need to be firm and only do what you are able to do, otherwise the support required will increase over time. The neighbour needs to employ a carer or befriending service.

You're going to have to be direct and firm. There's no way around it.

It happens all the time.TBF I think that some elderly people, especially women who may not have worked full time themselves don’t really understand how busy people are these days . ( I’m 70, worked full time all my life until retirement, but I think peoples’ lives today are far busier and more stressed than mine was). So they don’t appreciate how difficult it can be to assume responsibility for someone else, especially someone to whom You have no more than a passing social obligation.

The thing I would say is, it will only increase as time goes by, until you get to a crunch point where the demands/ obligations become intolerable for you , and your neighbour is not developing other support networks, so critical for her. ( in our case, it was being ‘expected ‘ to facilitate a visit to a hospitalised friend on Easter Sunday. Well, we did it, but that was it, no more - which was a shame because we would have been happy to continue with the occasional cup of tea, pick up some shopping, give me a lift…..

I mean it’s very simple, you say you’re busy and can’t drive her to appointments. Give her the number for a taxi company.