How involved are you with care home / when not close almosmt low contact with parent

[Tista]

those of you with lifelong difficult, selfish parents who use them for emotional and practical support all their lives - not those who have the lovely kind relationships with loving parents that so many are lucky to have- how do you handle it when the hard work parent goes into a care home? I ve managed to reduce the volume of calls just by not answering - cant anyway at work , have a different ring tone that makes no noise so doesnt disrupt everyone, ring a few times a week when suits me.

But the visits are just awful- she talks at me for two hours, I try to take something like toiletries to unpack, and end up sorting out a cupboard , she wont do puzzles, games, turns tv off if am there, wont watch videos of kids or dog or anything. What do you do? Husband and kids refuse/ loathe to go apart from once a year. Difficult to take her out at the moment as she isnt v continent, wont walk tho can easily with a frame, and I would struggle to get her in and out of a chair (on crutches myself at moment).

Shes now getting full of complaints about the home - I took seriously at first but turned out she was just muddled, now she rings all time about that. How much do you talk to the home about her care when really you dont want to be involved? She chose to move to a home (self funded) btw. V muddled, frail, arthritis. I feel bad as just seem to have run otu of ability to care!

@Tista I feel bad as just seem to have run otu of ability to care!

My experience of my mum is nothing like yours but I still identify with what you say. We lived most of our married lives with my parents, then just my mum, and I was mum's full time carer. When she went into hospital and then into the home I felt nothing but relief.

I visit every week which is all I can cope with and I get anything the home tells me she needs - clothes and the odd toiletries. I am not involved with her medication or anything like that anymore and it is a weight off my mind.

It is only now, 16 months after she moved out, that I am starting to feel anything other than numb. Don't feel bad.

You have a perfect excuse being on crutches for not attending.
Do you really have to stay for two hours? Do you stay there that long because it’s quite far away? Honestly, 45 min tops is plenty time.
Totally agree with tasks so you are not the entertainment. Can you FaceTime a surviving friend of hers while you are there and let them chat and you disappear out the room?
Very many residents get no visitors at all. She is seeing the staff every day and they change face at least twice a day so in a way she is less lonely there than at home.
I’d stop visiting if none of the above works. She is safe.

if it helps you, I probably only call DM’s care home once or twice a year. They aren’t great at answering the phone and to be fair, they call if there is a problem. I visit once every ten days or so, on average for a hour. For someone nearly estranged from your DM you are v involved. Be kind to yourself and scale it way back. The people on this board will give you permission to visit less if that’s what you need