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Elderly parents

My Mum has been in hospital for six weeks

52 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 16/10/2022 07:30

She went in because she’d had a stroke, had another small one while she was in there, was then diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The doctor told her she was getting worse (but has told me she is stable). They won’t let her come home with carers unless she walks (with a frame - which she was doing until she was told she was getting worse), and she just says she will walk when she goes home.

I am overseas, and have been back twice to see her since she has been in hospital. I’m going to go back again next week. I would like her to go home with nursing care if possible but have no idea how I would arrange this, or maybe into a hospice. She tells me every day how much she hates it in hospital but all the hospital say is that she is not well enough to go home yet. I don’t know who I can talk to. They told me last week that she was having a scan of her heart, and that someone would call to update me. But no-one ever does, and I just get told that she is stable and she could have weeks left or months and months. It’s the same whether I phone or am there in person. And I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Trumpton · 19/10/2022 04:34

I am so glad you are able to stay, I sat up ( dozed) next to my lovely MIL for 3 nights in August while she slipped away. It our last great gift. Sending you a handhold. When it happens don’t rush. Sit quietly , open a window if you can.Take the time for your mind and body to accept it. The silence is immense and a special time before the world catches up.

Iizzyb · 19/10/2022 04:35

So sorry to hear op. Glad you're able to be there with your mum. I'm sure she feels better having you with her xx

Undertheoldlindentree · 19/10/2022 05:06

I too had the struggle to get my mum out of hospital and home after a six week stay.
We did manage it in the end, but I had to be very determined and constantly present, or on the phone, in order to navigate all the assessments and discharge process.
Then I had to stay overnight at mum's home for a few days to support when she got back - and that was on top of carers visiting four times a day.

In fact, the first discharge home failed due to gaps in communication between carer team/district nurse/GP/medical equipment provider etc, even though it was all supposed to be coordinated by a hospital disharge team. It's not seamless at all, was very stressful for my mum and would have been almost impossible to co-ordinate from overseas.

Please don't worry that your mum didn't get home for the peaceful time you imagined.
Likely it's been less stressful for her to stay in hospital, where she's been well-cared for given her sudden new medical needs. It sounds as your mum had an active and independent life up until very recently and that's very valuable and maybe a comfort in the days ahead.

I'm glad you are able to be with her now, wishing you both peace and strength. 🌾

MrsWobble3 · 19/10/2022 14:19

sorry for what you’re going through MrsS. Hope you are all ok and sending support for the days ahead. Look after yourself too.

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/10/2022 15:34

Her breathing has changed. The death rattle is much louder. But she seems peaceful and pain free. I still feel like I failed her by not getting her home.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 19/10/2022 15:36

My phone has just indicated that I have a new voicemail message. It’s from her from a few weeks ago, wishing us a happy wedding anniversary.

OP posts:
glittereyelash · 19/10/2022 17:56

That's lovely about the voicemail. I found my mam had little ways to connect with us while she was in a coma and a few strange things happened. I hope your mam is as comfortable as she can be and that you are getting rest when you are able. The whole time can be such a blur.

MarshaMelrose · 19/10/2022 18:07

I'm so sorry about your mum. The speed these things can happen is shocking. We always feel guilty when someone we love passes away - it's natural. You love her, did your best for her and she was responsible for her part too. Don't have regrets, they're pointless and destructive.
How amazing that you should get that phone message. And how lovely.

xyzzyx · 19/10/2022 18:17

I've been I. Your situation. My mother too had a stroke in jan then taken to hospital where she had another stroke... she was in hospital for 6 weeks where they ran tests as she's diabetic and has cancer also. She then was transferred to another hospital for 15 weeks then She eventually came home and her house had to be adapted to suit her. Her mobility iS the best it can be she can manage stairs and walk around the block without an aid now. However her speech is questionable

Undertheoldlindentree · 19/10/2022 19:16

From what you've said OP, it sounds as if your Mum's condition was too complex and progressed too quickly to allow a return home to happen. Please don't feel guilty. If the discharge team were on the verge of sending her home and changed their minds, it will have been with her welfare uppermost. I saw my own mum upset at not being allowed home, but at the same time not accepting that things had changed and that they couldn't go back to the way they were before. She had delirium affecting her perception whilst in hospital and I think that's very common. We just can't make it alright or turn back time for them again.

A long hospital stay or illness is a sudden sea-change for the whole family and a death even more so. You are bound to needlessly blame yourself, for small things, but there are so many positives in your story, the most important that you're there with your mum now.

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/10/2022 20:39

She died about an hour ago. It was very peaceful.

OP posts:
asdadult · 19/10/2022 20:44

Oh I'm sorry Flowers at least you were able to be with her and it was peaceful.

MarshaMelrose · 19/10/2022 20:49

I'm sorry to hear that but so glad it was peaceful and you were with her. Take care.

glittereyelash · 19/10/2022 20:49

I'm very sorry to hear this you must be feeling a million things at once its all happened so quickly. I hope you have family support. It's one of the hardest experiences to go through. I'm so glad you got to be with her in the end ❤️

beachyhead · 19/10/2022 20:49

I'm sorry 💐

Trumpton · 19/10/2022 20:53

I am so sorry to hear your news but please take comfort from being there with her.

MrsWobble3 · 19/10/2022 20:55

I’m sorry to hear your update. You were a good daughter to her to the end. Don’t worry if it wasn’t what you thought you wanted - it will have been alright. Take care.

CointreauVersial · 19/10/2022 21:03

So sorry....big hugs from me. You were there when it mattered. Take care.

funnelfanjo · 19/10/2022 21:09

So sorry. May her memory be a blessing.

sevenbyseven · 19/10/2022 21:12

I'm so sorry to read this but glad you were with her Flowers

Lollypop701 · 19/10/2022 21:15

So very sorry for your loss, glad you were there for her x

EllaB22 · 19/10/2022 21:20

Sorry to read your post 💐 Glad you were there with your mum x

SingingWaffleDoggy · 19/10/2022 21:22

I’m so sorry. Things don’t always work out how we plan but the thing that matters is your presence. There’s nothing more you could have done and it was obviously a very complex situation. May your dear mum rest in peace and may you draw comfort from the fact that you were with her when it mattered most

Callmesadie · 19/10/2022 21:47

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/10/2022 15:34

Her breathing has changed. The death rattle is much louder. But she seems peaceful and pain free. I still feel like I failed her by not getting her home.

I’m sorry to read your mother passed.
Please don’t feel like you failed in anything. She was clearly very poorly and getting her home wasn’t an option.

May she rest in peace

smine1 · 19/10/2022 22:36

My thoughts are with you.

You didn't fail her, far from it , you were with her , she knew you were there and she died peacefully.

Sending hugs to you x