Dysfunction/toxic/narcissists

[lovenotwar149]

I have posted before on here on toxic/narcissistic patterns of behaviour in my family.(Parents/sisters) Things have come to a head now and I have decided my best/only option now is to cut off contact. This now means not going to my parents funeral. I'm so scared, owning it as I am choosing to do this....but so scared nonetheless. My father is violent and rageful. My mother and 2 sisters have increased the emotional blackmail via messages. (they are now blocked on my phone) but have extended these msgs to my husband and sons. My father has violent outbursts. He hasn't had a bad one towards me for some yrs after I showed him the front door when he bought his rage some yrs ago into my house and behaved this way infront of my 3 sons. However, I like the obedient daughter I was raised to be ...I went back and said sorry. Although I did insert boundaries after that incident like never before. Having now asserted I will not be in touch anymore (the last few months as my mother's Parkinson's has increased and as they are ageing, had led to increased narcissistic behaviours on their part)...he is ANGRY atm.. Very angry. I live 15 walk from them. any thoughts would be appreciated.

It reads as if your parents are still alive, in which case why are you worried about a funeral that could be years away? You might die first (sorry, but it does happen) and then your worrying has been for nothing. They might leave a request for there to be no funeral. Try to tell yourself that you'll deal with it when it happens rather than tormenting yourself with all the different scenarios of what might happen. The only thing you are in control of here is what you do, what they do is up to them.

I have decided that when the aggressive relative does die then I will go to the funeral but I'm having nothing to do with the planning of it. I am most certainly not writing a fantasy eulogy where they were a kind and loving parent, did lots of charitable work and loved children and animals. It's not true and anyone who knew them would know it's not true.

Yes they are still alive but my mums health is deteriorating quite quickly...she has Parkinson's. Yes I might die first...very true.
I dont want to be involved in their (toxic) discussions about her declining health right now which is a daily discussion amongst them it seems. I am out of their WhatsApp group for over a year or longer now, but my older sis finds a way to let me know via others how bad mum is etc etc ....guilt guilt guilt trips! and they work a lot of the time.
Atm they have labelled me as having MH issues due to me contacting my mum less regularly than my sisters "apparently" do. The toxicity is so crystal clear now its almost amusing, when I can see it objectively as if they are not my family, but in actual fact its so incredibly painful for me that I have Samaritans number at hand and I am starting therapy this afternoon in fact. Thanks for reply.

Oh I so sympathise! Dealing with similar parent and was literally sitting here just now thinking when they die, if we go chronologically, what could be said about them at their funeral?? I almost feel like having a private one with no one there. It makes me sad but the anger directed at me is just so uncalled for. I really feel for you, need to go out but will try and get back on thread soon x

Yes trying to observe it impartially helps, maybe, I dunno, I have no answers

Thanks Redrry. I have started therapy now so that will undoubtedly help. The irony of being mistreated/abused by parent(s) , and even when you get to a place and can acknowledge/accept it, and then with such strong guilt feelings that continue even after such acceptance/achknowledgement, can drive you right back to them and hence further abuse. I am just a "little bit" ahead in my journey of not always being taken over by the "guilt" and so am not always being sucked in again. These little spaces will/are increasing day by day and the inner peace is also increasing day by day too. Today I received an emotionally blackmail text msg from a member of my family and I DIDNT rise to it.

I look forward to when I am confident enough to block that person too if their abusive msgs continue.