Drama in the car park - I feel so guilty

[blinkingtelly]

I oversee the care for my dad who has several chronic conditions. He's recently been prescribed a new drug and while it's having good effects on his health, one of the side effects is anxiety/depression.

In the last few weeks, dad has definitely been more 'on edge' and getting wound up by things which wouldn't normally bother him. My dad has always been 'the strong one' and pretty much nothing phases him but today, it all blew up in spectacular fashion.

We went out for the morning and had a lovely time and on the way home I stopped at the supermarket and ran in to get a few things. I left dad in the car with the window cracked open and ran into the shop. I was gone about 15 mins and was in the queue to pay when I suddenly heard my name over the tannoy. What??!! I admit, I panicked a bit because it could only mean something was wrong with dad.

I raced to customer service (ran into a poor guy with my trolley!!) and was greeted by a sweaty looking security guard who told me an elderly man was locked in a car and was 'extremely distressed'...two members of the public had reported it. I abandoned my trolley and practically pole vaulted across the car park and when I got to the car, found dad inside sobbing. I asked him what was wrong but he was crying so much he couldn't tell me, so I just got in the driver's seat and sat beside him stroking his arm until he was calm enough to tell me.

He'd felt a bit warm, had gone to open the window more but it wouldn't open as the engine was off and when he tried to open the door, it wouldn't open. He felt this immense wave of panic and claustrophobia roll over him and he started shouting at passersby to help him. When I left him in the car, I locked the car on the key fob as I would normally, because it makes me feel better to know a vulnerable person is safe...but I assumed dad would always be able to open the car from the inside if he needed to.

Whether in his panic he couldn't open it or the car malfunctioned, I don't know, but for whatever reason, by the time I got to him, he was in an awful state. Anyway, I reassured him and after a few mins, he calmed down.

I left him (with the car door open!!) while I went back in to pay for my shopping and the woman on customer service gave me quite the suspicious look. She had a lot of questions as to whether he was ok, why had I 'locked him in', if he was ok now. I reassured her that he was ok, but I wouldn't be surprised if she reported me to someone for something.

I was badly shaken up myself both from the panic of hearing my name over the tannoy to the stress of trying to get dad back into a calm state. I will defo be talking to the GP about these new drugs!

Eventually got dad to his home and he went for a rest while I did a few jobs around his house. I think I was hovering anxiously but when he woke up, he told me to go home as he wanted to ring his girlfriend! So I think he was fine!

I'm home now and although I know I did nothing wrong, just feel guilty and sorry that he had to go through that. I also wonder if I'll get a visit or a call from someone, if the supermarket lady called someone. I'm not fearful of that as I know I take really good care of dad, but it's just a niggling thought!

Anyway, just wanted to vent. Been quite the day!

If I lock my teens in the car I leave them the keys.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It was an innocent mistake. You didn't realise he wouldn't be able to open the door. Next time either leave it unlocked or leave him the key.

But of a silly mistake, your dad is a person, not a dog.. although you aren't meant to even leave them in a warm car with the window open a crack.

Just see it as a lesson learned.

He could have had a sense of humour about it: "my daft daughter locked me in" kind of thing. Don't stress. You have learnt new things about his abilities, is all.

Happened to me 20 years ago.

My DP left me in the car in quite a dodgy area, so locked the car to keep me safe.

i needed air and realised I couldn’t open a window or the door.

I absolutely freaked out. Couldn’t control my panic.

By the time he returned, I was sobbing.

Have never reacted like that before or since, although that incident, horrendous air turbulence on the same trip and an earthquake whilst in NZ have left me with claustrophobia.

You've had such an awfully stressful time by the sounds of it. It's easy for me to say but please do not beat yourself up. You sound like a very caring daughter.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and these things happen easily when rushing around with lots on.

Similar happened to my Nan years ago whilst mum & I nipped in to the local supermarket to gets her groceries.

We were suddenly greeted by several worried looking members of public in an Isle. Nan had caught the attention of passers by and alerted them.

The thing is, she hadn't wanted to get out of the car that particular day to do her own shopping but she always insisted on driving with mum and liked waiting in the car for her however she was claustrophobic and couldn't open the car door although it had been left unlocked with her door ajar, she had accidentally closed the door up and pressed the button, locking herself in and then couldn't figure out how to open it, I imagine it was the panic.

My father has dementia, he is often accusing people of kidnapping him or stealing his money, clothes or food, I often have to leave him in the car while I pop into a shop as he doesn’t want to come in and is not very mobile, I always lock the car door in case he does decide to get out and wander off or fall trying to get out of the car. I live with constant anxiety so I can empathise at how upset and shaky you probably feel.

The difference is that dogs can’t open the door even if left the key, nor can they communicate with passers by. Quite ridiculous to equate the two

It’s not necessarily true that the person locked in can’t get out. DH locked me in while he went to pay for petrol, opened the door with no problem but the car alarm went off! So this wasn’t a foreseeable problem

It's not possible to lock someone inside our own car unless the child lock is activated, and I didn't realise you could do it in any other vehicle until DH accidentally locked me into a different car and was impatiently waiting around the corner for me to get out and join him. It was more frustrating than frightening for me, since I knew he'd be back to find out what was going on. But it's hard to know what to do with someone who's likely to become confused. In a situation like OP's, MIL could decide she didn't want to go into the shop, then change her mind and forget where you'd gone within a minute. Alternatively she could come into the shop, become overwhelmed and cause havoc, and you'd have to leave before buying what you needed. And believe me, you wouldn't even try it unless you really needed something.
I feel for you, OP. Hope you're a bit less bothered by all this today.

We have a lock and unlock button on the inside on drivers side. If I am ever left in the car and don't feel safe then I just lean over and press the button, then just press it again when they return. At least I am in control then, and can open the door if needed.

Do you have a lock button in your car OP?

You didn't lock him in, he was in a panic and couldn't work out how to get out. I imagine that made him panic even more.

Like a pp my door always open from the inside apart from the ones where I have activated the child lock.

But this is not great for you Dad. If its the effects of his medication then you really need to get him back to the doctor

It was a mistake you didn't know he would need the door and panic.
don't berate yourself, you didn't mean it and it's hard when they are the strong one and need a bit of thinking done for them.
forgive yourself

I did the same with my mum! The car wasn't locked but she was in the back and I forgot about the childlocks. She didn't let me forget about that in a hurry.

When I left him in the car, I locked the car on the key fob as I would normally, because it makes me feel better to know a vulnerable person is safe...but I assumed dad would always be able to open the car from the inside if he needed to.

Did you double-click the fob? First click is to lock, second click disables the inside door handles (stops someone opening the door with a length of wire if you leave the windows open).

My friend has a laminated notice she leaves on her windscreen - my mum has dementia, she can't be left at home alone and screams in shops uncontrollably, leaving her locked in the car is the safest option.

People don't always have a good choice. We choose the least worst option. Really feel for you op

I’m sorry to hear this OP. You couldn’t possibly have foreseen this and did what you thought best. It’s probably what I would have done too.

The fact you got the grilling from the customer services lady did irk me, she needs to mind her own bloody business.

So after seeing how distressed he was, you then went and left him again??

Of course I didn't leave him in a distressed state. It was his week's food shopping that I had left in the supermarket, unpaid for. Once he was calm, he asked me to go back in and pay. I left the car unlocked and (just for his extra peace of mind), his passenger door left slightly ajar.

There was no need for your judgemental comment.

Interesting!! I didn't know that. I think I just single locked but to be honest, it's an automatic reaction and I can't be sure!

As it happens, he nearly always has his mobile phone with him but yesterday, left the house without it. He had a bit of a moment when he realised that if he'd brought his phone, he could have just rang me and I'd have dashed right back out. So new rule is 'never leave the house with your phone'.

@blinkingtelly I had a similar incident with my parent and my 7 year old son. They both still berate me about it. Thing is, I hadn’t locked them in as it wasn’t possible in that car, the front passenger door where my mum was would always open though not the rear door as the child lock was on. They claim they had to scream and get a passerby to open the door from the outside - only possible because the front passenger door was never actually
locked! Once ‘rescued’ they both came in to find me, helpfully leaving the car unlocked 🤦🏻‍♀️

@DogInATent I think you've just explained how I managed took myself in my own car the other day! The unlock button on the dash wouldn't work and handles wouldn't open. I had to press unlock on the fob, had no idea what I'd done but that must have been it

Dh did this to me and the kids once and them the fucking alarm went off 🙄. We were ringing him but he'd left his phone on silent. Was quite stressful tbf.

Lesson learnt. I'm sure you won't leave him there again

And yes it's because you can't unlock some cars from inside without the key fob, which is quite annoying. I'm sure it's to prevent it from being nicked but still.