Was this a mistake??

[whiteroseredrose]

Long story short, PIL are mid / late 80s and live 3 hours from us. MIL has (currently undiagnosed) early dementia. FIL was managing but then had a fall and has broken his hip. DH rushed down to see FIL, and brought MIL back with him.

MIL has wounds that need dressing twice a week so is registered temporarily at our GP. She clearly can't look after herself or be left and is now struggling with our stairs. She has deteriorated since she arrived.

My worry is what will happen when the hospital want to discharge FIL. He can't come to us as well. MIL is lonely because although we have managed to alternate WFH we are working and can't chat. They need to be together.

They had finally agreed to move to our area and they have accepted an offer on their house and we have found great sheltered housing nearby. But then we had the mini budget and we are worried it will fall through. Or won't happen in time for discharge.

TBH we're struggling as both work long hours.

So any suggestions how to handle this? Two different NHS areas, two different patients with different issues.

Was rushing MIL to us an error? Should we have organised care there? Is it too late now?

Any suggestions gratefully received

Thanks Dane. I will suggest that to DH.

Honestly, this isn’t going to get better. You did the right thing. Moving them closer was the right thing, going the sheltered housing route was the right thing. For all of you.

Care is mostly a postcode lottery and there no guarantee her actual needs would be met. I’m a home help and I’ve it’s a regular occurrence to be phoning family members at work or miles away to say carers haven’t turned up or there’s been an accident of varying severity or they’ve done this or not done that and given how far away you are that would be extremely difficult for all of you. Sheltered housing means there’s usually a warden on hand to help.

Get her assessed and a formal diagnosis so your in laws get proper help coming in too when they do get into their new home. Think about hiring a home help (not plugging my services, I’m on maternity till July and I’m in the north of Scotland anyway) to do things like the housework, laundry, bed changes etc. if he’s had a fall it’s probably best not to do the heavier housework jobs. It’s not that expensive, I can do a 2 bed bungalow in 45 mins with beds changed and I take £10 for it. Most of my clients either get meals in wheels or Wiltshire farm foods delivered too.

Where I am they don’t get discharged till the home situation has been assessed and this can take yonks - hence the bed blocking constantly being in the news. Your other option would be putting her in a home for ‘respite’ till he recovers but in my experience at their age they rarely get back out again. Is that something everyone would be ok with? Sorry I can’t help further.

Thanks HighlandPony. Unfortunately they still have the house 3 hours away at the moment. DH is handling the house sale / flat purchase but it hasn't happened yet. It was all progressing when FIL fell.

It's good to know that they shouldn't just send FIL home (though they did with MIL).

Possibly we could get care for FIL there initially and take MIL back while the sale finishes. Then the carers could check up on both. It's a minimum of an hour at a time and about £31 an hour.

Then move both up here and arrange care here ready for when they arrive.

I wouldn’t have brought her to yours as the unfamiliar house would confuse her and aid her decline.
Try not to move her about, one move to her final home would be best.

Ask to speak to a care coordinator (I'm not sure of their correct title) to confirm what care package has been put in place for fil before he is discharged. I have been in a situation where home care was required and I did have to stand my ground and be quite firm with hospital staff before anything was arranged.

Thanks Kangaroo Kenny. It has confused her being here. And she has deteriorated. DH panicked when his DF was admitted to hospital - and his DM too because she was not making sense.

PIL have been staying with us for a week at a time for 20+ years and have always had the same room.

However she keeps confusing the cellar door with the downstairs wc and then had an accident which upset her.

We have been looking at sheltered accommodation but it may make more sense to look at a Care Home.

Thanks Deadbod. We will.

If she’s a lot more confused it might be worth checking for UTI/chest infection.
Make sure she drinks plenty, and she might need incontinence pads at some point.

Could you put labels on the doors (with pictures) to help her identify which room is which? Just a short term measure but may help a little maybe?