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Elderly parents
Original poster

Bloody hell this is hard

14 replies

WhatWouldHopperDo · 03/10/2022 10:38

Just venting as DH is so upset and I am trying to put on a brave face for him.

MIL is 93 and until 4 or 5 months ago she was living in her bungalow with carers 3 times a day. We live round the corner and seeing her regularly.

She got an infection in her leg and spent 3 months in hospital and rehab. She was doing so well but within days of going home she started to become weak and fell twice. SS found her a care home bed for respite . She’s been here for 10 days and is now dying. But she clings on. She isn’t eating, minimal fluids. She is skin and bone and can barely communicate.

I am torn between not wanting to leave her but also knowing this could go on for a while and I need to work. DH and BIL are her only blood relatives and they have both been with her over the weekend. DD is distraught as she is close to MIL and has never lost anyone before. DS is a bit bewildered. He’s 17 and isn’t close to her but obviously knows how sad we all are.

Not wanting anything from
this thread other than a hand hold really.

OP posts:
victoriacrosshairs · 03/10/2022 10:38

I am so sorry xxx

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 03/10/2022 10:41

So sorry to hear this. I'm here to hand hold.

stayathomegardener · 03/10/2022 10:54

Thinking about you Flowers

Original poster
WhatWouldHopperDo · 03/10/2022 10:58

Thanks all. It means a lot to know there are people out there.

OP posts:
Helenloveslee4eva · 03/10/2022 11:03

Hand hold.
please speak up for her right to die peacefully and comfortably she’s fading at the end of a long life x - us everything in place with “ just in case” medication ? Is all the planning paperwork etc in place.
You and your family hold her hand , and we will hold the other one. You will all be ok x

faffadoodledo · 03/10/2022 11:03

Went through the exact same with my parents earlier this year. Died within 5 weeks of other, and I'd say I really can't grasp the idea of peaceful death, bc neither were. But If you can, be present for her. She may last a while; some do. My regrets are of the time I didn't spend rather the time I did. And objectively I think I was actually very present.
It's hard. I can't sugar that. But if you always had a decent relationship, then do that justice because it really will help you
Good luck xx

faffadoodledo · 03/10/2022 11:05

And there are a variety of meds available to make her more comfortable. As others have said, talk to her carers and nurses about this x

Original poster
WhatWouldHopperDo · 03/10/2022 13:03

Thanks all and so sorry to those that have been through it.

I had a really helpful meeting with the care staff this morning. The anticipatory meds are in place, the end of life community team have her fully registered with them and we are all really clear about what we want/she needs.

The Care Home matron from the GP practice is going in daily Mon-Sat and they are keeping us updated when we're not there.

I feel pretty happy that everything is in place that needs to be. I'm going to head back later after work and DD is going to come for a few hours as well. DH is feeling a bit more at peace with it all today so I hope he will go too but trying not to push it.

She has been a gem of a Mother in Law for the last 30 years.

OP posts:
ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 03/10/2022 13:38

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nokitchen · 03/10/2022 17:21

Well done. It sounds like everything is in place. Remember that there doesn't have to be someone with her for every minute until she dies and that often relatives seem to 'wait to go' until they are on their own.

faffadoodledo · 03/10/2022 18:11

I called the end of life community team (I can't remember their proper name) Angels of the Night. Mum and dad were being cared for at home and I really worried about suffering in the night. But we were given a kind of fast track phone number, and in they'd swoop off we called. Truly amazing bedside manners and expertise. I expect your MiL's carers have similar access. Amazing (and hidden) service offered by the NHS

Wibbly1008 · 03/10/2022 18:30

Sending you hugs OP. She sounds like a lovely lady, and she will be missed. Your kindness and love towards her will be in her heart till the end.

Original poster
WhatWouldHopperDo · 03/10/2022 20:05

@Wibbly1008 thank you, I hope she knows how much we love her.

@faffadoodledo (great name!) that sounds like the Echo team although not sure if it’s called the same thing everywhere. They have been amazing. We’ve only had to speak to them on the phone but they are so kind and gentle. Apparently their paramedic came out to see her yesterday while BIL was there and BIL said he felt like a massive weight had been lifted knowing people like that were on hand.

OP posts:
faffadoodledo · 03/10/2022 20:19

@WhatWouldHopperDo also a great name!
But yes, your Echo team sounds like our roving out of hours palliative team of angels. I honestly could have cried and hugged them when they showed up.
Keep going. You're doing a grand job x

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