Elderly Neighbour

user1726 · 2022-10-03T07:04:34+00:00

Hi, Yesterday our elderly neighbour (next door but one) was calling 'help' from his garden after a fall. DH had to go through our neighbours and climb over to help him. An hour previous to this the police had been there and kicked down his door as he had a fall in the kitchen and managed to call them! He clearly cannot wash as he smells of strong urine, his house is absolutely filthy and he has lost weight presumably he isn't able to cook for himself. His son lives abroad and just calls regularly but has told us he will be getting an alarm around his neck. But to call who?! He has no family near by. But I don't feel this is good enough at all. What do I do? Previously the son had given us a key and asked us to pop in regularly! We have a young family with 3 kids, work commitments and our own lives, and felt this was really unfair as we cannot care for him and to be frank not our problem. What can we do to ensure he gets the proper care? I feel sorry for the old chap he needs proper care..

LIZS · 03/10/2022 08:08

Adult social care, .Age UK? Did you call anyone the second time? He probably tells his son he is fine. There are call centres for those with buttons.

SilverLiningPlaybook · 03/10/2022 08:12

Have you told his son what you think is going on? Perhaps his son isn’t fully aware of his Dads situation. Do you know who his GP is?

Beamur · 03/10/2022 08:16

The neck alarm will go to a call centre who will alert emergency services.
I'd call adult social services and say pretty much what you have said here. Your neighbour is elderly, vulnerable, appears not to be coping (personal care, falling, losing weight) and has no nearby family support. You are worried about them.

Clymene · 03/10/2022 08:20

Yes please call adult social care.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/10/2022 08:32

Social services, GP, Age UK

But it took my mum 9 months to get anyone to take action to support her 96 year old neighbour in similar circumstances

Be careful to not take this on as a responsibility. If SS think they can pile it on you they will.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/10/2022 09:16

Document everything with dates. In my experience, “he’s having a lot of falls” is regarded as family/neighbour hearsay, “2 Oct morning, fall-in kitchen, police attended, 2 Oct afternoon, fall in garden” magically becomes “evidence”.

Does he have mental capacity? If so, he has the right to make decisions on where he lives.

On the positive side, frequent falls are taken seriously, and once you have contacted SS, things should happen.

Worriedaboutethics · 03/10/2022 09:38

@user1726

i had issues with my father .

the son needs to get back to see. Social care will take ages, we had to pay for private visits.

but the son needs to see. And tell him yea things can go down hill fast.

he has to sort. You can help which is great but it’s not your job it’s the sons.

he lives abroad so he has to have funds to get back and to be fair it was his choice to move abroad what ever people say.

that does not mean he doesn’t have responsibilities

take photos of the mess and send them to him.

Original poster

user1726 · 03/10/2022 09:44

LIZS · 03/10/2022 08:08

Adult social care, .Age UK? Did you call anyone the second time? He probably tells his son he is fine. There are call centres for those with buttons.

Well the son does know, his mother passed away beginning for summer (who also lived next door), he had come back to the UK and saw the state of his dad and the house and commented that he hadn't realised it was quite so bad. He came back a few times after his mothers death but not seen him for a while.

Update: sent him a message stating our concerns and he is calling us this evening. If I don't see him actively doing something soon will call social services by the end of the week.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 03/10/2022 09:50

Social services/safeguarding.

there is no point helping him up from a fall if he’s just going to fall again, next time he could damage himself

Report the falls to his gp (or get him to do this himself), he needs a falls referral which will get the ball rolling. (He may also have a uti).

If at all viable call for an ambulance when he falls next, don’t get him up (or tell him to call them, not police). Once they know he’s falling they will also trigger the falls referral.

Are there any other neighbours who can help? With the best will in the world if his only son is abroad some of this is going to fall on the community. Do be careful about boundaries but you’re going to have to accept that you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if he came to harm because you’d cut yourself off.

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 09:57

Call social services today.

It is likely that the police will have contacted them.

But you and your DH are the ones that witnessed and attended his second fall. The son was not there. You saw an elderly man unable to get up and help himself, it is, frankly, your responsibility to put this to the people who can help. What if the son does nothing? What is the purpose in waiting?

Ss / Adult services are service providers, it’s not like reporting him for wrong doing, it is to ensure his health and safety!

Cuppasoupmonster · 03/10/2022 09:59

Previously the son had given us a key and asked us to pop in regularly!

Bloody cheek! You need to phone him, tell him his dad can’t cope and the house is squalid, and that he’ll have to sort something out as you’re very busy and don’t have the time to check on him.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/10/2022 10:10

Similar thing happened to my friend. I tried referring to social care, but he didn't want me too. And as he had capacity couldn't do it against his wishes. Eventually he ended up in A&E, and ended up being discharged to a nursing home. Not before strong pressure was applied to send him home with carers. His flat had to be completely cleared, it was so bad. And he had no furniture. I had to be really really firm in telling everyone that he would not be safe at home. I could see that they were wanting me to be responsible for him.
OP, make it very clear that you are not going to be doing any caring at all.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/10/2022 10:11

My friend also has a son who doesn't really care.

SilverLiningPlaybook · 03/10/2022 10:29

user1726 · 03/10/2022 09:44

Well the son does know, his mother passed away beginning for summer (who also lived next door), he had come back to the UK and saw the state of his dad and the house and commented that he hadn't realised it was quite so bad. He came back a few times after his mothers death but not seen him for a while.

Update: sent him a message stating our concerns and he is calling us this evening. If I don't see him actively doing something soon will call social services by the end of the week.

Show quote history

That’s good. Fortunately you are concerned for him. No one else seems to be poor man.

Original poster

user1726 · 03/10/2022 10:38

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/10/2022 09:16

Document everything with dates. In my experience, “he’s having a lot of falls” is regarded as family/neighbour hearsay, “2 Oct morning, fall-in kitchen, police attended, 2 Oct afternoon, fall in garden” magically becomes “evidence”.

Does he have mental capacity? If so, he has the right to make decisions on where he lives.

On the positive side, frequent falls are taken seriously, and once you have contacted SS, things should happen.

That's a good idea will keep an accurate record thanks

OP posts:

OrangeTrifle · 03/10/2022 10:43

Call social services today. Don't wait for the son. These things take time so get the ball rolling

Worriedaboutethics · 03/10/2022 11:16

@Cuppasoupmonster

exactly even if his is in Oz he needs to get back and sort it.

being abroad is no excuse!

sotired2 · 03/10/2022 11:23

I would call s.s. and make it perfectly clear you are concerned for his immediate safety and that you can not do anything (if you even say you can pop in daily they will not offer help) tell his ds this is what you are doing and that his dad needs daily carers etc.

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 11:58

I agree with PP saying you must not tell SS that you can take ANY responsibility.

This is another reason to contact Adult Services today - and that you do it wrt the fall, not his son. Because his son will probably say "oh, yes, the neighbour has a key and has agreed to pop in and the neighbour contacts me if there is a problem".

Of course as a neighbour and a kind and decent human being you will help out in an emergency, as you did yesterday. But that is totally different from any ongoing or routine responsibility or expectation.

Original poster

user1726 · 03/10/2022 17:37

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 11:58

I agree with PP saying you must not tell SS that you can take ANY responsibility.

This is another reason to contact Adult Services today - and that you do it wrt the fall, not his son. Because his son will probably say "oh, yes, the neighbour has a key and has agreed to pop in and the neighbour contacts me if there is a problem".

Of course as a neighbour and a kind and decent human being you will help out in an emergency, as you did yesterday. But that is totally different from any ongoing or routine responsibility or expectation.

Yes absolutely we will act in an emergency but defo cannot take responsibility for his everyday or routine care. I don't even see my own gran as often as I like.

Thank you for all your comments and input. Waiting to hear from the son this evening to see what / if he has done anything today..

OP posts:

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 13/10/2022 17:13

Just go the SS route. Presumably the police coming out will have triggered that anyway. Legally the son doesn’t have to do a thing. Morally perhaps - but who knows what his relationship with his parents was like? Either way, it’s not your responsibility and you sound like you have enough on. Report via the appropriate channels.

Tiani4 · 17/10/2022 13:46

The police and ambulance would have made referral to Adult social care. 2 falls in one day is significant including a attendance of police to break door down. The ambulance service should also trigger Request to GP to refer to frailty and falls clinic ( a MDT) who will also consider referring to Adult social care once they see him.

You can ring into social care they will ask if you have his consent though

You're right a lifeline pendant alarm or falls detector adds little to his situation as you require 2 emergency contacts living within 45 mins and he has no one.
He sounds like he needs a social care assessment and some care support. The son is remiss in not organising this or referring his dad to ASC himself.

TeeBee · 17/10/2022 13:58

This is actually not his son's responsibility either. They might be family but who is to know what their relationship has been like all these years. Don't assume he just doesn't care; maybe he has reasons for not intervening. Not every family is a happy one. The responsibility is on Adult Social Services.

cptartapp · 17/10/2022 14:11

The old chap may well previously have refused all intervention. Very very common. Hospital wards and A&E are rammed with similar cases insistent on going home again to repeat the cycle . I saw this for years as a district nurse.
It sounds harsh but make the referrral and step away. Nothing will change whilst you prop up the situation and this will only get worse.
The cynic in me thinks the son has been less than proactive in buying in or moving into care with one eye on preserving his inheritance. I've seen that many a time too.

AlicesAttic · 30/10/2022 23:14

I put my concerns to my neighbour's GP, in writing. She had no family at all, and memory loss / delusions / lack of self care / suspicion of anyone trying to help were becoming a problem for her and those living nearby.
GP did set the wheels in motion with SS, but before anything was put in place, she fell and was admitted to hospital. There was no chance of her being discharged to her total shit-pit house (hoarder); she ended up in a care home, sadly, but at least she's clean, warm and fed now.