How are you managing with an aging parent set in their ways and the energy crisis

[Whengcame]

My mother is 69. For a mmthe past year I was thinking that she's going senile. There's things not quite right but still she's still herself. It's hard to pinpoint exactly. Then earlier this year I found some sort of a progression in that she had many items of my underwear amongst hers as if they were her own. To this day she still has many items of my underwear. I am plus size and a size 20 and a size 40 band size for bra. She's a size 12. I know in my heart and in my soul that this is the onset of dementia but I just don't have a diagnosis yet. I am on my own. My siblings live abroad. I discussed my concerns with our GP and the GP rang my mother asking her to come down for an appointment. I don't know what the outcome of that appointment was.

Currently my mother has no comprehension of the energy crisis and she doesn't want to understand it and she doesn't care about it. There's no want or need to conserve energy to save on the bills. Every single load load from her is 60 degree washes. It's happening now every day from her. If she doesn't have anything to wash she will freshen up clean stuff in the airing cupboard. There's no need for 60 degree washes. She doesn't care. She doesn't want to offset a high wash load with a lower one. We have a clothes line too and often when the weather allows it we dry outside but she uses the tumble dryer too every day. She likes to make sure the laundry is dry dry. Also she likes to warm her clothes every morning in the tumble dryer and also her pyjamas every night before bed by popping them into the tumble dryer.

My nerves are absolutely shot. I got up this morning and she had a laundry load already on and it was 60 degrees. If wasn't even towels or bedding. It was just her clothes. Her clothes are now drying on the line and now when she comes back from her walk she will probably put them in the dryer for an hour or so to make them extra dry.

Many people associate dementia with a forgetfulness and it can be that but from what I read online it can show in other ways too and over time forgetfulness sets in.

I would put money on this being the onset of dementia with my mother. There's no doubt in my mind any more but nobody is listening to me because she's not going out and wandering and getting lost.l and doing other stuff that would be harmful to her and others.

Do you live with her? Is that how your clothes have got mixed up? How do you know?

Can she afford the higher bills?

Does she pay her energy bills monthly or quarterly, do you know if she’s on top of them currently?

Could you unplug the tumble dryer and tell her its not working? I think dealing with someone in the early stages of dementia can be the hardest because even though you know its not her fault nothing has been diagnosed and others dont see anything wrong.

have you looked at the alzheimers website as the more you read up about dementia the easier it is to deal with.

wendy mitchell has early onset dementia and has written 2 books about it - the first one, ‘somebody i used to know’ is a very good account of how she changed and gives a real insight into some of the difficulties that affect those with dementia.

look after yourself.

My aunt has the onset of dementia and it's hard because she exaggerates things too so it's difficult to see where her personality stops and the dementia takes over.

It must be incredibly difficult to live with

I do live with her and I know that's often frowned on on these forums but where I am supposed to go? I can't afford to move out but I can't afford to luve at home any more now either. I do help and I pay my way too. The current set up is that we go half on bills.

She cannot afford the higher bills nor can I. Shes not able to comprehend the bills and energy usage. When the bills are high she blames me automatically just for charging my phone every day. Instead of realising that there's two of us at home and energy conservation should come from both of us. She's just not able to understand the energy crisis. The appliances are in the kitchen and I can't lock them away. We don't have a utility room.

She is on top the bills currently but I am dreading the wi ter bills. Our energy provider announced another hike for October so its only going to go up. She doesn't understand it. She will continue to wash at 60 and she will co tinue the use of the tumble dryer and there's just no effort to reduce energy consumption. She could easily drop to 40 degrees and I think it would help.

Throughout the pandemic I noticed that my mother had little comprehension of the public health guidelines. She would happily cough into my face without a care in the world. She would happily cough around the kitchen, cough and sneeze into cooking, my meal - things like that. There were other things too. I have no doubt in my mind that this is dementia happening with my mother. It's just not showing up as a forgetfulness just yet. There is some forgetfulness and confusion happening but it's hardly noticeable. For instance she was adamant that she started divorce in 2015 but she was wrong on that and it was 2018. I know how to respond to dementia. I never corrected her and I nodded my head and said - 'I guess so' and changed the subject.

She's not displaying problematic behaviours like getting lost and she can still carry out my daily activities herself so nobody cares and no one is listening to me.

I will be unplugging the drier when I get a chance. I need to get the kitchen free for some time and pull the machine from the wall to get to the plug.

My mother told me a tale this summer and it was so hairy.

In my mind I was already thinking dementia and so I thought it's just more.

Basically she went to the local village and came home and she told me that she saw my father n the shop but she didn't see her. He was shopping with his girlfriend she said. She said the girlfriend was buying him alcohol and cigarettes (his health and finances are bad and he shouldnt be smoking or drinking). I thought nothing of this. Then a few weeks later my mother was very stressed and that take came up again but this time she told me more. She told me that the ex mistress was also in the shop, also hiding from behind a shelf and also peering to see what he was doing.

I knew then that the story was a tall tale because what are the chances for the whole lot of them being in the shop together at the same time and the two exes doing the exact same thing as each other without talking to each other.

I know in my heart and soul that this is dementia. If it's not dementia there's something else happening. Like maybe a stroke at some stage. There's definitely something happening.

I'm guessing getting her to the GP for a checkup is going to be difficult? Can you write to her GP first with your concerns?

(and I blanch at "elderly" at 69!)

Yes, I witnessed some anger from her over the past 2 and half years and I think that would be connected. Just angry explosions that made no sense.

So talking to her about my concerns would be a no no.

I did discuss my concerns with our GP in person in the summer time and my mother was called and invited for an appointment.
I don't know what the outcome of that appointment was.

I wrote aging in my post title but this is the most fitting forum.

Have you worked out how much it is actually costing? Washing machine cycle could cost 35 pence. Not the end of the world. Dryer is dear, that could be costing £1.80 a cycle. Smart meter? Prepayment meter. Put notices above washer and dryer with the cost of use marked on in big letters. Ration laundry detergent - e.g. only leave one pod a day- in the hope that limits the number of loads. Electric under blanket for her bed to heat it and her pyjamas before bed at night. If she uses the electric blanket for an hour every night it will cost less than £15 a year.

I remember you posting about this before and lots of posters wondered if you were controlling.

I would hit the ceiling if someone told me in my own house what I can and cant use.

You could do the things that people suggested the last time you asked about the 60 degree washes and the possible dementia.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be worrying about the energy bills. One of the most positive aspects of mum being in a home is that I know she is warm and I am no longer worried about her having two electric fires going all day along with the electric blanket every night.

Forgetfulness was negligible at the onset of mum's dementia. She was unreasonable in her expectation of what I should do for her, very controlling and prone to sulk but all those were traits that I had seen in her over the years anyway, they just increased. Her bills were paid by direct debit, I would take her shopping for birthday and Christmas presents - there was nothing there to forget.

So far as the laundry is concerned I think I would be unplugging the devices and claiming they are broken too.

The overwhelming majority of replies was to get out of my mothers house.

Look up attendance allowance.

How old are you op? Could you get a house share somewhere else? Then maybe you're mum would qualify for outside assistance

Also look up power of attorney- it would help to have this.

She's gone to bed now. That's what I worked on tonight. The plug is behind the drier. So I pulled the machine out and took out the fuse. I feel awful for doing it. It's so underhanded. If I don't take action I can see the bills being up to 300 or 400 a month.
There's just little comprehension about the energy crisis. For example, she won't offset one high wash with a lower wash the next load for example maybe one 60 degree wash and then the next one can be 40 or 30. There's little energy conservation. Sometimes I would come home at night time from work to find her sitting in the dark. So the lights are off. There's no need to sit in the dark. There can be a balance found in that reduced washing temperatures can help. Boiling a cup or two of water in the kettle for a cup of tea instead of the whole kettle. So there's little things and changes we can do but that's not happening from there.

A typical winters bill is 280 approximately and I can see that being higher this winter and I think changes have to be made here and there to try and conserve some energy and try and save on some of the bills where possible.

She had the tumble drier on three times today. I didn't say anything to her. There was no point. He wasn't going to understand.

I feel awful for what I did tonight. If we get a very cold winter I will fix it but not yet. I will wait for November/December/January.

I was learning about power of attorney all year. I know its an action I will have to move on but it's impossible with her. She doesn't understand it. She doesn't want to understand it. She doesn't care. She is apathetic about anything legal. She doesn't want to know.

It's not about age. It's about being able to afford rent and finding a place a room to rent too. Rentals are scarce where I am.

My parents were useless. They were separated but never sorted anything. I was also dumped into the position of picking up the remainder of the mortgage on the family home to keep my mother at home and save her from homelessness.

Don't you already have a thread on this?

In the other thread you didn't mention the Dementia.

Oh yes 7 threads started in the last week but zero before then. Interesting

I wrote it earlier in the week but there was no replies to it.

Oh yes 7 threads started in the last week but zero before then. Interesting

Perhaps she's a new poster?

Oh yes with one particularly about menstrual cups. Mhmm