Advice

[Insomniac2000]

Wondering if anyone has any advice. Before I start, I'll just say that I am in the Republic of Ireland but I welcome advice from anyone, anywhere.

My dad is nearly 80. Mum died 15 years ago. There is just me and my brother as his DC. We have our own families. Dad lives on his own in a nice house in a nice part of Dublin. He has a great civil service pension. He lacks for nothing. He's reasonably mobile but obviously is ageing and has arthritis. His memory is getting worse. I'm just giving context.
Our relationship is fairly toxic. I fake a smile but he has been psychologically abusive to me since I was a child. He is narcissistic and unbelievably tight with money. Everything revolves around him. He has never asked if me and my brother are OK since my mum died. He casually told me and Dh last year that he'd always assumed I wasn't his daughter and mum had an affair. Dna tests have confirmed that I'm his daughter. To be honest, I could write a book about how callous and manipulative he is.
The matter in hand - He's obsessed with the idea of a romantic relationship and has a 'companion' his own age. It's transparent that she's there for the euros. He pays for expensive meals out for her etc... I don't have a problem with this necessarily. After all, if he wants to spend his money like that, it's his business. However, she's making noises about them moving in together- perhaps selling his house, her doing the same and them buying elsewhere. He says he told her no, and he won't do this.
I just don't trust him. It's complex because my mother worked ft all her life in a professional job and paid towards that house. Me and DB know she would want, at least her half anyway, to go to us. If he does move in with the other woman and disinherited us, I would cut all ties anyway. Just don't know what to do. And then in the meantime I have to put up with his nonsense.

Nothing to do really.
Even if he doesn’t sell up and move in with her he could leave everything to the cats home.
Dont rely on an inheritance, much as it would be nice you aren’t entitled to it. If DM wanted you to inherit anything she could have made provisions in her own will. You don’t sound as if you even like the old man, fair enough if he’s been abusive, but why expect to benefit when he dies?

As above - don’t rely on inheritance. Especially inheritance from a manipulative, selfish person you don’t like. Your mum left her money to him, it’s his now. Nobody said life would be fair.

Maybe it would be worth it if the companion helps him and you don't have to do it.

I don't expect it in the sense that I'm banking on it or I'm spending it in my head. It's the principle of the thing. No, I don't like him, unsurprisingly, given what he's done and said. Her looking after him - I know what you mean - but she's the same age as him. I don't know how effectively she'll look after him. Nothing to do at the moment, maybe.

Just changed the responses to 'Mum does....'

Seems to make more sense now. Hopefully they will approve the application. I cannot be there full time and doubt £61 a week will make a dent in what she needs but every little helps.
Thank you

@Flatoutagain - Think you've posted on the wrong post

Insomniac

If your Mum didn't leave any of her estate to you & your brother, expecting your father to do the honourable thing, then I'm sorry but I would assume you'll not be seeing any of your Mum's money.

I don't know the legal framework in Ireland but surely if she wanted her children to receive an inheritance, she would have made a will to that effect.

I'm sorry. Unless you can shake off Judy the Second, you'll be losing the money.

I got so upset about the situation in my own family (I'm doing the caring but will likely be left with nothing) that I opened my Bible for guidance. 'And Jesus said "What care I about inheritance?" So I decided I'd better not care, either.

Huge apologies - replied to the wrong thread - sorry

Honestly, you sound grabby.
If your mother wanted to make provisions for you and your brother in her will she would have.
The house is your father's, he can do as he wishes with it.
Children don't have any right to inheritance in Ireland.

If you are genuinely concerned that his memory is fading and he might be taken advantage of, perhaps express your concerns to the GP and if necessary get a POA.

I mean there's not much you can do really. I presume when your mum died her half of the house went to your father, which means he can do what he likes with it. If your mother really wanted your and your brother to inherit her half of the house, she could have stipulated that in her will.

If you don't like him and don't feel there is really a relationship there, I would cut ties. It's already causing you stress, and as he gets older and more infirm he may expect you to provide care etc. Let his shiny new girlfriend do it.

OP. Take a huge step back. Maybe there's a chance he'll do what his new shiny girlfriend wants but maybe there's a bigger chance he won't take kindly to her interference and the feedback you have heard is one-sided?
You will eventually hear from him when he needs help. That could be months or years away.
Just think about you and those close to you as they are what's important

Grief comes up again at odd moments. It must feel like losing your mum again.

The brutal fact us that his life is his own and your Mum is very sadly gone. She wasn't able to provide for you for whatever reason.

I was so afraid this would happen to my ds (my dh was rather easily led by a decisive woman - I have good reason to know this) that I'd started discussions with a lawyer about protecting his inheritance if I died. Sadly my dh died instead. I'm not sure how I would have had those discussions with dh; no doubt he would have been outraged at the idea that he wouldn't put ds first... but the fact is, I've seen it happen again and again and again. That's probably because the discussions are so difficult.

I do know one man who left his house to his daughter, and a large chunk of money (think 6 figures) to his new wife of 3 years, without telling either of them. He died unexpectedly. His wife clearly expected to inherit the lot, and spent around 50k on unsuccessfully contesting the will. Horrible and pointless.

Leave him to it. Maintain some kind of contact if you can and it doesn't damage you.