Aging parent, gifting to grandchild and undecisiveness

[Whengcame]

I'm having a difficult time with my mother.
It was last winter I noticed some things that were off with here.
Things that were not 100% right.
Basically I came to a point last winter when I began thinking - 'is she going senile?'.
Her memory seems to be OK. It's other things that are not quite right and then it's not even every day.
I would put money on the onset of dementia happening and I think it's only a matter of time before it progresses I reckon.

I'm having a difficult time with an issue.
There's only one child in the family and she's my niece who was born to my brother abroad.

Every year for her birthday and Christmas turns into a headache for gifting. It shouldn't be this hard but my mother turns it into a complicated mess every year.

This year, for her birthday I knew there was going to be the typical issues so weeks ahead of time I found something online that would be perfect for my niece and I bought it to surprise my mother, in that it can be a gift from my mother to my niece or her grandchild. There shouldn't be an issue but my mother made a problem out of it.
My mother wanted to buy more for the child but she didn't know what to get the child but she wanted it to come from her.

I asked my mother did she put money into the card. She knows not to send money in the post but every single year she ignores it. My other said she put in 50 in the card but I know for a fact that's a lie.
I could add on another 0 to that and 500 would be more close to the mark.
My mother never listens. This is on top of a physical gift that she eventually sorted. One of the issues that I have with my mother is that, she doesn't know when or how to stop buying for my niece or grandchild. She just doesn't know when to stop. She has a huge box ready to go.

This year I had to step back from it and keep quite and say I am not sending anything. I find my mother is tight fisted. If I added anything into that box from me, it will be me left paying 100s in the postal cost and the postal costs probably only went up in price too since last year.

I remember last year and the year before during the pandemic shopping online IN Australia and even that wasn't even the answer. My mother doesn't know how to use the Internet and so it means sitting down with her and browsing the Internet with her and she looks online and the issue is she doesn't know what she would like to get. It's generally a job that takes weeks and weeks. Depending on my job and schedule, often I don't have as much time to invest in this. I found last year we found a shop online and she saw some teddies that she liked and I think looking back I should have put a stop to it because she had about 16 teddies in the basket.

Then I thought about sourcing a gift card online from Australia and indeed from Australian amazon and even that's not the answer because my mother doesn't have a bank account and she will want to send a gift card with at least 500 dollars and then it's my bank account being drained. She does eventually pay me back but not even fully. By right if she wants so much she should be giving me the money up from t so I am jot being left disadvantaged. In my mothers mind there's no point finding and sending a gift card if it's not a decent sum as in hundreds. She will want 5/6/7 hundred dollars on a card.
Trying to find an Australian shop that sells gift cards online and sell to those who are abroad is impossible.
In my mothers mind, I am supposed to make it happen. Like fly to Australia and make target sell me gift cards for 100s and make it happen.

I sourced a gift for the child this year from my mother and all she she was make problems with it and it really shouldn't be so hard. My mother was humming and hawwing on whether she would send it or not. It shouldnt be this hard.

My problem is Christmas is just around the corner and I am not able to do this again.
I can't do this again.
It should not be this hard and complicated to source a gift for the child. I can't do this.

I often pick up catalogues for gifts so my mother could browse and get an idea but even still that doesn't help.

It's a nightmare. From sending parcels from home to buying online from their country and sending wads of cash in the mail.

My brothers live abroad. They are not here to see my mother. This indecisiveness from my mother is just another connection towards the possibility of dementia even though I don't have a diagnosis with her.

I'm dreading Christmas because it's going to be about finding 100s of money that I don't have just to appease my mother in whatever way she wants.

Get your brothers to source the gift - I've done this for years now for my own child and their grandparent, and we live in the same country. Just push it back to your brother.

I’m afraid only you can stop this charade. Why can’t your mother transfer money to the child’s account or her sons?

I chatted to my brother about it this summer and I asked him and his partner would they be interested in joining revolut but they are old school. He also said that his girl loves receiving parcels either from us or from online in Australia. My brother will never source his own gift and then send it in a parcel to himself.

Why are you getting involved at all?

A charade and that's all it is.

She has no problem making up the bulk of a gift from the pound shop but all the books and things add to the weight and then it's often hundreds to send a parcel never mind about putting cash in a card and not declaring it.

Then if its not that, it's spending weeks shopping online on Australia, browsing day and night and getting no where.
Then spending hundreds on a gift card.

My mother doesn't know how to organise anything and she wants me to organise it. She doesn't have a bank account to transfer her money to my brothers account which is the only logical solution here but she won't open a bank account. If she was to open it she wouldn't be able to operate it anyways.

they are old school
of course they are. Because old school means everything falls to the daughter, and the golden sons only have to ring once a month and mother will be pleased with that until the next call.

op, you have choices. You can choose the madness, or you can choose not to participate.

tell your mother you think it would be best if she arranged the presents with her sons this year. And don't be dragged in to the fuss.

then you tell your brothers that this year they will be arranging the gifts and delivery directly with mother.

and then, with all the free time you gain, write a book on golden child brothers and the constant cycle of sexism.

This year for the child's birthday I stayed out from it as much as I can. I kept my plans to myself. My plan is to shop online from Australia. My mother eventually dragged that information out of me and then she had a big parcel nearly ready to go and then she decided she didn't want to send it now and she would like to shop online with me but she doesn't know what she wants. I had to encourage her to continue with sending her gift,

I'm getting dragged into it for being aunty to the child. When she was a baby we used to send joint parcels but I am doing my best to break away from that but my mother has é made it easy.

My mother is completely undecisive about things and she doesn't know when or how to stop when it comes to gifting.

My heart is broken. I found a gift ages ago in August that would be suitable for my mother to gift but it wasn't enough for her. All these weeks later she is still not ready. She also wants to send about 100 bottles of vape juice to my mother in the same box completely sabotaging parcel and the gift and without a thought in the world whether the child is going to get her birthday gift in time. I advised my mother its not going to get through but she is not listening to me.

I had to step back from it because I am not going to be left with the postal costs on something that won't even get through.

Then shopping online doesn't work either because she doesn't know what she wants and when and how to stop. I just quite simply do not have 100s to spend on gifts.

It sounds very frustrating.

Would it help if you told your Mother that there maybe customs duty for your brother to pay and surely she wouldn't want to burden him with a cost?

I occasionally used to send gifts to a cousin in Australia and it's extremely expensive.

Sometimes I would find a local Australian shop (via Google) and ring them to do an order, then pay by credit card on the phone. I did this several times with a florist.

Give your Mum the Australian phone number of a large toy shop (In a department store?) or two near to your niece and, as long as your Mum has a credit card they are likely to help her, with delivery and choosing too.

You could ring up yourself to check it's possible first (via Whatsapp as it's free). Maybe they have a personal shopper person she can speak to?

But really, now Australia has Amazon it is easiest to order and niece's address can be set up.

Good luck!

I do not understand why you are paying. My grandma is 94. When she wants me to order something online for me she either hands me the cash at the time or I use her card. Get the cash before you order. Be firm. Your boundaries are poor.