How much do you listen to the views of someone with dementia?

[LaBelleSauvage123]

DF (87) is currently in a nursing home but his medical needs have improved to the point he no longer needs nursing. However he’s been left very confused - he hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia yet but we expect he will be. Some days he’s more lucid and he still knows who we are etc but there’s quite a bit of delusional thinking and some paranoia. He says he’s not happy at the home and doesn’t want to stay there. We also have some concerns ( staff shortages, lots of agency staff, lack of stimulation). We have two other options: a new home ( we’ve visited one we like and they’re coming to assess him shortly), or a return to his own home with live in care. We obviously want to involve him in the decision as much as possible. The problem is that his view changes from day to day with his confusion. Some of his concerns about the current home are valid but others are just wild ( takeovers, coups and corruption figure largely). What do you do about trying to give your parent with dementia some sense of agency? How much do you trust in their own decision making abilities?

OP, if you feel that he would be all right with live-in care at the minute, then follow that instinct. See how it goes and you can always change plans if need be. You can monitor how things are and you always have time to decide what's best xx

The range of replies and opinions on here perfectly reflect what’s going on in my head!

apologies if this sounds a little bit cruel, but a lot will depend where you are with DF and whether he’s used up your patience and goodwill already.
if you have been run ragged and there’s very little fuel left in your tank then absolutely the care home route.
If you on the other hand feel
strongly that you’d like to see if he manages at home and are prepared that it won’t all be smooth sailing, then give it a try.
I would imagine after two or three nights you would know the score

Actually that might be the solution…
Keeo the care home bed for a few weeks and continue to pay for it and keep his room available. Try him at home for a few days as a ‘trial’ albeit with a short term carer and see what you both think?

They can also lose inhibitions which really needs a team of professional back up staff. My friends FIL became extremely amorous even with her. It was distressing and occasionally frightening