Is this just normal aging?

[Squashpocket]

DM (74) is displaying some behaviours which I'm finding frankly odd. She doesn't seem like my mother at all anymore, but I don't know whether this is normal aging or should I be worrying about dementia.

She doesn't really bother with holding a two way conversation any more, she will only monologue about what she has done that day and what she is planning for the next day. She will say the same stock stories, observations and phrases over and over. We very rarely get a new piece of information.

She is very unsure of things she used to be fine with - online banking, using a computer, communicating with utility providers. She has to check and double check everything with DH and I before she'll do something like make an online payment or cancel a direct debit.

Her memory doesn't seem terrible, but she does forget words mid sentence. She doesnt retain any new information that she is given if it doesn't relate to her daily routine.

This is the one I find most alarming - She shouts one line of a song over and over. She does this at times when the room would otherwise be silent (e.g. if she has got up to make a cup of tea in the empty kitchen). It feels like it's compulsive and is objectively very odd.

She follows an absolutely rigid routine every day - same breakfast and lunch at the same time every day. Same rotation of 5 dinners in the same order. She gets quite agitated if she thinks she won't be able eat at her allotted time.

I can't figure out if she is just getting on, is naturally self-centered (she has form for this) and a bit deaf or whether she has some form of cognitive decline. Does this sound within the range of normal?

No,I don't think that's normal.

Not normal for 74, sorry. That’s really not that old. Mind you my late DM did the monologue thing for as long as I can remember and it was when she stopped doing it and I could get a word in edge ways that it was clear that she was getting dementia.

Any change like this needs to be checked out with a doctor. They can be very discreet if you tell them your concerns ahead of the appointment (and you or your DF can accompany them) if your DM is likely to object to having this checked out and can get her there under a different pretext.

It doesn't feel normal, it's quite distressing to be around, but I'm not sure if I trust my judgement.

She seems to be able to pull herself together and act 'normal' for short periods of time around people outside the family, but she doesn't do it for long. I'm not sure what to do next?

Sadly that sounds like more than normal ageing - forgetting words and names more often can just be normal 'senior moments' but this sounds more significant I'm afraid. Do you think she'd be amenable for a suggestion about seeing GP about her memory? Maybe tell her you've noticed she seems to be finding things she could deal with before harder and perhaps GP could help?

No, sorry not normal. Have you asked her how she is feeling? Some people realise they are changing and find it a relief to talk about it.

DF died 3 years ago, so I wondered if this was because she has spent too much time alone and is generally an anxious person. I don't know. She definitely won't go to the doctor. She doesn't listen to a word I say (part of the problem!)

Think it's the combination of issues that is worrying. 1 by itself could just be a personality quirk becoming more pronounced but this is more than that.
Would she go to the GP with you?

I work with elderly people and no, this does not sound normal. I'd say you're right to be concerned, but I'm not sure what can be done unless you can persuade her to see her GP.

It sounds not normal to me. Could be a few different things (UTI, depression, dementia spring to mind). Definitely need a doctor

To an extent all of the things I mentioned are parts of her personality, but they are all magnified to such an extent now that it doesn't feel normal at all.

She has also given up some of her long standing interests (gardening and seeing friends), but keeps up with others (golf and dog walking - both to an obsessive degree). The poor bloody dog is elderly too and doesn't need 3 hours of walks a day!

She also listens to music on TV all day long - she doesn't watch a range of things anymore . Only news or a particular kind of music.

No - not normal. Dsis is 73 and nothing like that. Neither were my parents at that age.
You're right to be concerned

This is very scary. I don't know what we're going to do in the long term.

If you speak to her GP about your concerns they may do a house call. I wrote to my DM’s GP with my concerns and as they have a ‘duty of care’ they fitted in a home visit to check up on her. If she’s losing capacity, before it’s diagnosed please try and get her to agree to a lasting power of attorney (LPA) as it will save you a world of pain. Once she has been deemed to have lost capacity she can’t sign one and you are basically stuffed.

No not normal, you need to do what I did when my Nan became mentally unwell: phone her gp, explain the situation and that you feel she needs a visit from the doctor on some pretext.
It took several phone calls over several months before Nans doctor listened to me, I think the pretext for the doctors visit was that she needed some thyroid blood tests? Anyway she let him visit and he understood the issues straight away.

No not normal I feel. She should be enjoying her golden years. There is some thing not quite right

Sadly though my Nan was 90... your poor mum is 16 years younger. It's really unfair.

My Nans diagnosis in the end was vascular dementia with psychosis (the psychosis was the awful bit that got her sectioned as a danger to herself and others... at 91).

It was being unable to use technology that she'd previously been good with that were the signs of dementia.

The psychosis was the paranoia, delusions & hallucinations she had.

Personality change can also be a first sign of dementia & people can try to mask the fact they are struggling.

There are many types of dementia- a diagnosis helps as there are memory clinics, & medications which can help.

It doesn't sound normal. Dementia can often magnify peoples worst behaviours.
Write to the GP. Explain your concerns and ask them to invite her in for a 'health check'. They can screen for a range of possible issues which may be causing these issues, vitamin deficiencies etc, and do a memory assessment. Agreement for referral to the memory clinic may be another matter!
POA is key. It can be applied for online. DH and I did ours during lockdown and the wait was nine months so that's a priority.
Would it be worth casually introducing for example, a cleaner or Gardner, so she has someone external involved which can be extended to carers etc as time goes on? You won't be able to do this by yourself.

No this doesn't seem right. My mum is 74 and although forgets things sometimes there is nothing else. There seems to be a lot more going on there with your mum. Have you asked your mum in a sensitive way how she is doing and if she feels OK?.

So sorry OP, this sounds so tough for you. Could you book a telephone call with the GP on your Mum's behalf? Xxx

If we were to get her down to the gp, what would happen. As I say, I don't think her short term memory and recall is all that bad, and I imagine she could persuade a gp that she's fine.

Even if she did get a diagnosis, how would that help?

My mum's behaviour was similar but she was a good 10 years older before when I became alarmed by her. She was someone who had always hated silence so would often sing to herself when there was a silence in the room so that didn't worry me so much as irritate me. Likewise forgetting the odd word or name in a conversation. I thought she had become lazy when it came to tech - preferring one of her grandaughters to do things for her. I spent so much time with her in the last few years, especially with the pandemic, I generally knew what she was talking about and would fill in the gaps. It was only after she went into hospital last year that I realised her behaviours were irrational and a symptom of dementia. Everything else I had put down to physical causes - poor eyesight, poor hearing, reduced mobility. It was both a shock and a relief when medical staff started talking about dementia.

But as I said, she was ten years older than your mum.

I think it is the loud repetitive singing that's tipped me over in to alarmed. The rest of it I think could be explained by deafness and a lack of interest in anyone but herself 😂

She doesn't do anything (apart from the mad singing) that you would say, oh yes she definitely gone loolah. It's more subtle than that.
Would that be typical for early stages of dementia? Could it all be explained by anxiety/depression?

I've just realised that she's been writing down absolutely everything (as a note in her phone) for quite a while low. Also she laughs a lot - at the start and end of most sentences, which is new and feels strange.

Have you actually tried talking to her about it? I know you say she doesn't listen to you etc but maybe attempt a conversation in which you lay out your concerns and ask how she was feeling in herself and if she had noticed any changes within herself

Yes, she might bite your head off but you owe it to her and yourself to try one conversation where you highlight your worries

Sorry no that doesn’t seem normal.
My mum started behaving very strangely. Including inappropriate behaviour, such as laughing at thing that weren’t funny. It was dementia. I’m sorry if it is.

I thick you need to get her checked for dementia doesnt sound quite right my mum has alzheimer's and vascular dementia