Getting caught in the middle between parents

[ManicMinor]

Parents are late 70s / early 80s, and my mum is quite severely disabled, my dad is her main carer and they have outside carers coming in a few times a week. They won’t increase this despite trying to persuade them. Mum is showing signs of cognitive decline, is increasingly emotional, becoming more impulsive in her decision making, obsessing about clearing out belongings or wanting Dad to stay in all the time.

Dad has been coping incredibly well, but things are getting very strained between them, lots of arguments - dad struggles with her emotional outbursts, and he cares for her in a practical rather than emotional basis and is withdrawing more into himself. I live hours away, my brother is close by. Mum is now frequently calling me to vent about Dad in tears. I’m finding it very difficult being on the receiving end of this - I have sympathy for them both, it’s such a difficult situation for them.

Even if we could persuade them to increase carer hours, I don’t think it will help their relationship - it just feels like we are waiting until Dad can’t cope any more either emotionally or with his own health. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for here, just need to get this out somehow.

Remember you don't have to solve it.

You can listen as an act of support to your mum without taking on responsibility to solve things.

You can decline calls from her if it is at an inconvenient time.

You can also message your dad and tell him you know how hard it must be, how much you appreciate his care for her, and that he must let you know if he needs more support. Find some way of phrasing it that your dad would respond to and not feel criticised!

They are adults, have had a lifetime to work out their relationship and dynamic. You don't have to solve it just because they are elderly.

I found it hard when dad was dying. I had to remind myself that he had chosen to marry and then stay with DM warts and all, and I had no right to intervene and upset everything just because he was getting frail.

Thank you, you’re right about it being their relationship and situation to manage.

I think I need to find a route to talk to my dad more - it’s really difficult to speak to him properly because mum is always there, wanting to be on speakerphone, and dominates the conversation, whereas he’s never been one for a long chat on the phone!

Really tough all round, OP.
Maybe get a piece of paper out and sit down and see it from 4 people’s perspective, then see if that throws up areas where help can be added.
DM Frightened, seeks constant company
DF Overwhelmed, under appreciated
DB additional visits, dragged in to take sides
OP Requirement to give increasing emotional support
… that sort of thing.
You are fortunate you can take more of an overview which is invaluable. Regrettably on all fronts things will worsen, so there will be future proofing measures required.

That's a good spot! Maybe you and your brother could tag team, him going over to sit with your mum while you ring your dad?

Obviously I don't know whether they have more than one phone.

Maybe you could send him a card, mentioning that you know you don't get to talk to him much but you do appreciate him.

Thanks both, some good ideas there. And feeling a bit less raw after a difficult conversation first thing this morning. I do feel like I have the easiest role out of everyone, at least I can forget about it all for a bit until the next call or next visit (though often feel guilty about being at a distance!). I’ve managed to get PoA all in place which has felt like a key thing I can do from here. Will have a chat with my brother in the next few days, see how we can best stay in the loop with dad.

Well done! We never managed PoA! Someone was too controlling to let go until it was far too late!

There may be a point where you need to send SS in. I have a MIL who refused all help/care, yet she phoned family/GP/999 for attention. We had no choice but to ask them to assess, and it was the best thing for her.

Don’t feel guilty for being distanced. That’s just life. All too often because a female sibling is nearby there is a wrong assumption they will do DP’s lion’s share of care. Nearby DB’s traditionally have less pressure on them from the authorities to attend to increasing amounts of personal care. It’s not fair but the expectation on daughters is higher.
Already securing POA is a massive help. As @picklemewalnuts says, many of us fail.
Have you explored Attendance Allowance yet? You can ring the number on the Gov website and have the forms sent to them. Best to get forms posted as the awards are back dated to the time of the phone call if you are successful. If you download the forms the award starts from the time they receive the application. Can be a difference of £400+.
Next stages are probably escalating care for your DM and DF. The help my parents got included two visitors on the same day. One to take my DF out to the supermarket and another to stay with my DM. Your DF might not be at the stage to need company but his time away from your DM is very necessary. FaceTime is a Godsend development for elderly care across distances. My DFriend used to FaceTime her DM in the US for two hours at night, when required, to give American relatives time to nip to appointments etc.
There is a limit to what you can do to sort out their issues. They have to try to resolve it themselves but if you’ve put the big pieces in train … POA, Attendance Allowance, a needs assessment from the Social Services of their Council, then you have got the ball rolling for them with minimal intervention.

Just revisiting this thread, after a long chat with my brother and making plans for my next visit there.

I’m confused about Social Services assessment - my parents have not had this, because they are self funding for the carers they have coming each week. Is this right, or is there a benefit to having a needs assessment regardless? Sooner or later mum is going to need residential care in a nursing home - she’d need to be there now if it wasn’t for dad.

I’m not 100% sure about whether my mum is on DLA or Attendance Allowance, she was on the highest tier for DLA (needs day and night care, wheelchair user), not sure if she would have been transferred over, but will check it out when I’m visiting.

Yes, there’s benefit to a needs assessment. It will identify what you need to get in place, and is done by someone with a lot of experience in the field, who will be aware of what is available. You may have to push for it - some LAs with funding problems are trying to wriggle out of doing it for self funders, but it is something you’re entitled to.

Thanks Mere, will raise it when I’m visiting. I’m hoping that an external ‘official’ view will mean my parents agree to significantly increase the career support, we can’t carry on with them getting by with the minimum.

If your mum was getting DLA (now PIp) don't apply for attendance allowance as she'll carry on getting DLA: now PIP as a legacy above she's 65. It's same disability neglect but at higher rate as she was eligible younger. You want DLA/PIP to continue!

Alert same disability BENEFIT not neglect! Doh silly phone