Parents ageing at different rate

[Adultchildofelderlyparents]

Hi everyone, not sure whether I'm looking for advice or perhaps just sympathy at my frustration. Comment as you wish.

My parents are now aged late 70s, both same age.
My dad has been very active all of his life - had a physically active job and sporty hobbies, with one hobby in particular that still now keeps him fit and active.
My mum has always been less active - had a part time office job alongside being a stay-home mum and sedentary hobbies like crosswords, jigsaws. Her health declined with a difficult menopause and then she also developed bad arthritis.
Lockdown really affected my mum more, with lack of any real mental or physical stimulation she seems to have aged a lot and is now really forgetful, telling me the same stories over again, slower to pick up conversations. Whereas dad has come out of lockdown and straight back into outdoor activity and is loving life again.

This is the peak of a long-building situation. Mum ageing a lot faster than dad, then dad increasingly keeping himself separate, and mum relying on me for support. I love them both very much but I don't want to be their carer yet, equally don't want to hold my dad back while he's still able to enjoy life.

Dad has now booked to go away for a two-week holiday for his hobby. He's going with some friends and is really excited. Mum is depressed, she wouldn't want to join the activity but hates the idea of being home alone (she's never been able to cope with being alone, they've always gone on holidays together) and has asked if she can stay with me for two weeks. I don't want her to stay that long but feel selfish saying no, knowing that she'll be upset at home alone.

I'm trying to balance wanting them both to enjoy life as best they can, wanting to support them both through old age but not wanting to take on the role of emotional carer.

I haven’t got a longer answer, but I would probably be offering Mum to stay for the middle part of your Dad’s trip - so she has a few days alone to cope, but with something to look forward to, then more days at home to get ready for your Dad returning?

(I’m all for not giving people what they ask of me these days but offering a compromise situation that works for me)

Tricky, but ultimately you are not responsible for your mum's happiness and you get to draw the boundary where you need to, to protect yourself. Sometimes you have to be selfish - put yourself first, or at least put your needs up there with the other persons.

Like the pp I'm a big fan of compromise, somewhere in the middle.

Have you spoken to your dad about this? Does he know that you are feeling like you have to pick up where he is choosing to leave off? Your mum is not going to magically change her personality now, and she is likely to get more needy as time passes. How is he, as her husband and partner, planning to care for her and meet her needs in the future? Or how you as a family will adjust to a changing situation?

I think you need to speak to your dad.

My own parents and PIL are both in their 70s and had a similar set up. Both women at home with the men out working. My mum has some mobility issues and needs help with some stuff but my dad is the one that does most for her. My MIL had a stroke and now disabled. FiL is her full time carer.

It's hard to see the full picture from your post, but it comes across that already caring responsibilities are defaulting to you, the nearest female relative, while the man gets to go and do as he pleases.

My parents' situation is so similar to yours that I had to read your post quite carefully to check you weren't my sister! I have exactly the same situation - right down to the arthritis and the post-menopausal health issues. The difference in my situation is that I'm not doing the caring - I live quite a way away, and I have a very full-on full time job (plus kids, and in laws who need support too), so at the moment I only see my parents every month or two.

In my case, it's my dad who's bearing the brunt. My mum has become almost agoraphobic, she's so reluctant to go out and do stuff - she blames her health issues, but I suspect it's really more anxiety and concern about her failing memory that's the issue. Any kind of plan or event makes her feel overwhelmed, and she admitted to me the other night that she's simply 'not coping".

My dad is devoted to her, and over the last couple of years I've watched him endlessly cancel all their plans, including his mini hobby holiday, because mum's not feeling up to either going out or being left alone. Things have worsened recently, and I've gone from thinking she had some health problems plus Covid cabin fever, to thinking now that she's probably in the early stages of dementia, and also suffering from depression and anxiety (she's recently started having panic attacks). I think she's also now thinking that too, which is accelerating her depression and anxiety. I also suspect that my dad is masking the extent of her difficulties, which is why I hadn't realised quite how bad things had got.

Sorry, no wise words here, just lots of sympathy. I feel desperately sorry for my dad, who's having to deal with this every day (and mum's increasingly scrappy with him, I think because she forgets things he's said or done). I feel massively guilty that I'm not around more to help. I think the next step is for them to talk to the GP about possible Alzheimers and depression, but I'm not sure whether they'll actually take that step. And meanwhile I watch my dad endlessly and patiently cancel all the things he wants to do, and spend all of his time looking after mum, because he's worried about leaving her alone when she's feeling worried or unwell. It's all a bit shit really.

This sounds very difficult OP. I like the idea of having her to stay for a shorter period, or perhaps even just some trips out?

It does sound as if she is panicking at the thought of being alone and trying to use you as a float. I was going to suggest perhaps a daily phone call but then thought you absolutely don't want to set that up as something she 'can't manage without'! I'm also to be honest glad that your dad is doing things and getting out and about.

This. It’s your dads job to care for her, not yours. I assume he was happy you take all the good parts of marriage when she worked part time to bring up the children, run for the house and allow him to do all his hobbies while she stayed at home. It’s not a coincidence that womens hobbies are often based at home.

So now your dad has to step up and care for her the ways he cared for him and the children. Can’t he compromise and take a one week holiday rather than a two week? Or do a holiday together?

He needs to take responsibility instead of , yet again, passing it onto a woman.

Agree with PP, you are not responsible for your mum’s happiness nor should the caring default to you.
if she comes to stay the two weeks your dad is away, he might think this gives him the go ahead to book lots more holidays for his hobby, and maybe even longer ones ……. Your mum might decide she likes staying with you and want to come and stay even more often and for longer……….
Talk to him if you feel able.
Compromise (or say no) rather than give in to their wishes.
Decide what you can offer without feeling resentful!