If you care for your parent, what do you on a daily basis?

[FaultybutFabulous]

I am the sole carer for my lovely mum but it's tiring and not helped by the fact I don't drive. Walking there and back takes an hour if I go from home. If I go after taking ds to school it's 50 minutes walk there and all uphill! I was wondering what other daughters/sons do in their caring roles? I cook, clean shop, sort prescriptions, appointments, all the admin side of things, banking, gardening, and lots of emotional support. Mum has a physical disability and a few other medical conditions that I help her to manage but she is cognitively fine and mainly frustrated she needs help with anything yet at the same time leans on me a lot.

Is money an issue? Can your mum be left alone for any length of time?
There are organisations in most places in the UK that provide paid for support and companionship services. Search for your local Age UK office and contact them for details. They also have trusted tradespeople for all areas so you could find another gardener through them.

@MarvelMrs it’s definitely worth ringing Age Uk however their offering varies per region. Mine doesn’t do trusted trader. I so wish it did as finding help, especially when you don’t live in the same area that trades would cover, is massively time consuming and worrisome.

@FaultybutFabulous you said somewhere upthread that previous in home care when your mum was ill/recovering had t worked out very well. Companies like Home Instead offer very different care - minimum one hour time slots and staff who cook, clean, chat - basically whatever you ask them to do within safe limits.

I still think you have painted yourself into a corner with the UC. 35 hours care is a lot to justify a small uplift. The day to day grind seems to be dragging you down but on paper (and possibly from your mum’s and siblings view) you aren’t doing the hours necessary to keep that credit so it would be hard to justify buying in additional services to give you a break. Sorry if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick here - I’ve only got what you yourself have said in this thread to go on re: visiting 3 hours a day and UC expecting 35 hour care to justify that element.

Thank you for the replies. I'm going to re-read them now I'm properly awake.

Hi faulty(you are not in any way!) I understand your difficulties and how hard you may be finding it. Well done for persevering and doing what you feel is right. Every person has different needs including the oldies in our lives. I apologise now if I offend you, I have to use a lot of humour to get through every day. I am 36 and have an 8 year old, we moved 200 miles away from our home and life in April to look after my nan. Yes it is bloody hard at times but I do not regret it. She is my nan, she looked after me when I was young and my parents needed to work, I will be there for her now. She does not need a nursing home as she does not need nursing care, we can manage at home and there are no local care homes.

My day goes like this...

5.30am get up as her dog is barking to go out (he also has dementia!)

Me time until 6.30am

6.30am my cat wants human attention!

Sort house out, empty dishwasher etc

8am get my son up for school etc

8.30am get nan out of bed, toilet, tea and breakfast. Put washing on as she is incontinent

8.45am school run

9am carer arrives to do wash/shower (I used to shower nan but carer does it now)

10am get nan drink and go to toilet

12.30 carer comes to heat up a pre made lunch I've made and check her pad and any personal care etc

1pm more washing

2pm give nan another drink and do toilet run/change pad etc

3.30pm school pick up and spend time with my boy

4pm another drink and toilet

6pm carer comes to give nan her pre made dinner and toilet etc

8pm final toilet trip before bed. Get nan ready for bed, put cream on etc

8.30pm bed time for my boy.

Put final wash on for the day

9pm my bed time!

In between these times I'm cleaning, doing washing, gardening, talking shit to my friends on the phone!!

I wish you lots of love and hugs, it's not easy xx

I'm a social worker in a carers team. Not all local authorities have them but they all have to offer you a carers assessment. Ask for one. They will check you know what local support there is etc and may give you a one off ( yearly) payment for a break/ something that helps. We have links to benefits advice too. Your mum can also have a care needs assessment herself. If she is assessed as eligible for care you could be her paid carer with a direct payment. But you'd need benefit advice first to see if you'd be better off. I would decide some boundaries now as well as ime cared for people can expect more and more from their carers.

Thank you, I'll phone them on Monday.
What do you do if you can't do much caring for a week because of various appointments and respond

Sorry. Responsibilities to your dc? Whose responsibility is it to sort out alternative care? When does the carer get a break if they are on call 24/7? It's exhausting.

Re: if you can’t visit/need a respite for a holiday, a carers association may be able to help you. I think this is one the things my local association offered to help with but I don’t qualify as I’m an unpaid carer/earn too much. Again, my experience is that there are big variations from region to region in what help is available. Ultimately, if your mum is so bad she can’t go day to day without assistance, you’d need to think about respite care in a care
home. You could also try asking for temporary care from a care agency however, I have to say that of the two agencies I have used, neither would offer that.

Maybe try asking one of the less present siblings? Personally, i don’t go away much, never for more than a week and every holiday is topped and tailed with a day at my parents. this means I need to take extra holiday to get my holiday. The helicopter sibling refuses to commit to any given date when they will visit (either me holidaying around them or them visiting when I have something booked and they never check that my parent has someone to be with at Christmas) so I’m not able to go anywhere for a fortnight. I bitterly resent them for that and their commitment free life-style. They don’t get it at all. If you can get one of your siblings to assist, even if it’s for less time then you’d be there normally, it would be ideal as they can see what you do and how hard it is.