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Elderly parents

Dementia and Divorce

10 replies

amysmom · 01/09/2022 16:21

My father who is in his eighties is in the middle of a divorce from my stepmother who is younger than him. During the process he has been diagnosed with probable mixed dementia and this means we are now having to get confirmation from a dr that he is able to make his own decisions to proceed. My father is capable with hand holding and a lot of help to understand what’s happening but he certainly could not handle the process without my husband and I compiling paperwork financial documents etc - I am pretty certain he will be told he is not capable and I wonder if anyone has any experience of a parent getting divorced with dementia? What happens if you’re not capable to make decisions alone? I am a power of attorney for my dads health and well being but my understanding is that I can’t use this in a divorce situation. Everything is now on hold whilst we wait for the assessment. The whole bloody divorce has been going on since March and I’ve been so involved it feels like my own personal divorce. I am desperate for this to be over for my dads sake as quickly as possible so we can enjoy the time he has left and not have stress - it’s a crazy situation so any advice would be welcome x

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 02/09/2022 06:57

So what would you actually say to the solicitor?

I’m struggling to imagine a scenario, aside from physical trauma, in which someone would intervene with a solicitor on behalf of an adult except when the adult had lost capacity.

Zonder · 02/09/2022 07:17

If you have LPA and both you and your dad agree he wants a divorce is there still an issue? Presumably he does, as does his wife, so what is stopping it? It sounds very difficult.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 02/09/2022 07:19

What are the grounds for the divorce?

amysmom · 02/09/2022 10:31

You no longer need a reason to seek a divorce since I believe April - new rules have come into place this year.

OP posts:
amysmom · 02/09/2022 10:50

The whole situation has been delayed as because of my fathers diagnosis whist preparing financial paperwork for court we received the news had finally been diagnosed with probable mixed dementia by dementia services. We had to advise the solicitor of his diagnosis and she then said we had to get a letter from a dr to confirm he is able to make his own decisions. Once that comes through and is likely to say he isn’t capable I believe we have to apply to court for something like an appropriate adult to help him through - an LPA for health and wellness won’t work in this scenario. I was just wondering if anyone has found themselves in a similar situation dealing with an elderly relative going through a divorce with dementia.
My dad does not wish to divorce my stepmother but accepts he hasn’t a choice as she no longer wishes to be with him.

OP posts:
MysterOfwomanY · 02/09/2022 14:07

It may be that he has capacity with regards to divorce decisions though.
It's quite common (if you look at Court Of Protection decisions on bailii.org) that someone is found e.g. to have capacity to have a girlfriend and have sex, but not to have capacity to handle their finances or to decide where they live.

Why is she not divorcing him, by the way?

BuildersTeaMaker · 02/09/2022 14:22

Ok, so what’s the background? Usually by time diagnosis has been made dementia has long since started. This is seen by personality changes, decline in executive functioning skills, suspicious thoughts, irritability . All those put a huge strain on marriage and relationships between people. In turn your stop mother may have been true going to make sense of a relationship that was changing for what appeared to be no reason- she may have been frustrated, irritated etc and generally the whole thing became a confused slightly toxic interaction. Please do not underestimate the impact mental illness has on the partner as well as the sufferer, almost all relationships break down under that pressure.

is it possible that your father wanting a divorce has arisen because he was beginning to suffer with dementia ? Do you know why and what and when led to the breakdown in relationship? Does your step mum want the divorce? Does she even understand the reasons, even if she doesn’t agree?

you are right that a reason is now no longer required by process, but if you have proof that the reason he wants to divorce have nothing to do with his mental decline or repercussions of that, and were pre existing problems before his decline started, and continue to this day, then I think you would have strong case to argue he still has a “right” to divorce even if he cant be deemed competent right now to make that decision from scratch. So if there were issue like your step mother committed adultery..then it becomes much more straightforward and even a slight safeguarding issue that he should be allowed to divorce as per his wishes.

if the wish to divorce came out of blue quite recently and no one really understands why, and he didn’t or couldn’t tell you why at time, then you will probably struggle more to legalise it.

maybe there is an option for a separation in that case…but clearly that leaves financial and next of kin issues in the air

BuildersTeaMaker · 02/09/2022 14:24

Oh, sorry just seen it’s step mum who wants divorce.
well that’s easy-she does application ..as you say law has changed, it only needs one person to say marriage has broken down now and there can’t be push back.

why is she not dealing with it?

Zonder · 02/09/2022 17:30

Yes it seems like if she wants a divorce she can get one. It all sounds very sad.

JennyMule · 02/09/2022 19:35

Your dad's solicitor will want evidence that your father has the capacity to give instructions, understand advice etc, or that he lacks capacity (on the balance of probability.) If your dad lacks litigation capacity he will need a litigation friend. The Official Solicitor will act for respondents in divorce (noting your dad is not initiating the process.) In practice this works by the solicitor already involved referring the matter to the OS (which is in reality a govt department staffed by caseworkers.) The OS will give instructions to the solicitor on behalf of the protected party. This is a link to a practice note issued for information to Solicitors. www.gov.uk/government/publications/appointment-of-official-solicitor-in-family-proceedings-practice-note

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