DF's care home

[HariboMuncher]

I've posted on and off on this board before - DF has been ill for a very long time an after a LOT of hospital admissions DM finally agreed he needed full time residential care. He's been in hospital for 3 months waiting for a place.

DM has picked a home that is 15-20 minutes drive away from her house on country roads with no public transport between there and where she lives. She is 80, recently ran into a stationary car when driving and then separately had a fall so is on a zimmer. She's still driving but I''m not sure how long this is going to carry on for, for some years now she won't drive in the dark which is very limiting where they live in winter.

The home she's picked is also far, far more expensive than the other two options which are within easy walking/mobility scooter distance of her house. They have limited savings and she's wanting to go on a long haul holiday soon.

I'd spent quite a long time spelling out how much of a hostage to fortune the home she's picked is but she's ignored me anyway. DF doesn't really know what's happening anymore but she will claim this is his preferred option if challenged, even although I'm sure he'd prefer it if more people could pop in for short visits.

I'm going to see DF tomorrow and she wanted to meet for lunch but I can't because it'll be another half hour of travelling time added on to the visit when I'm already got limited time because my DD is in nursery and by the time I've driven all the way down there and back I will have no time left. It will somehow be my fault for being unable to facilitate this.

I don't think there's anything I can do as she doesn't seem to have any dementia or anything. I am just so done with this!

Does she have POA for health and wellbeing? Otherwise she can't just make a decision like that if he doesn't have capacity to decide for himself.

You say limited savings but how much are we talking as she needs to divide it in two and only use his half for his care and he can keep £23,250 as things stand at the moment.

If the money runs out quick as social services need to pick up the funding when will probably want to move him to a cheaper place. Has he had a social care assessment/input?

She's got POA, so do I and my sibling. The council wrote to us recently when he was getting home care to ask if we felt the service was suitable. I e-mailed back and said he needed to be moved to a home in the same town but never heard back. I'm assuming my mum gets a trump card on the care home as she's next of kin and it's coming out their joint income.

He's had an assessment.

They're under the threshold that they have to make a contribution for care (I think that's how it works), so I'm guessing my Dad's savings are 20k or less, if he puts all his pension in it to cover fees it is £450 pcm extra, plus extra for DM getting there and back every day.

DM is really cagey about finances and they have extensive form for pissing money against a wall, so I'm worried about what will happen to her in the long run as well as DF.

If it was a more expensive home in their town then that would make more sense, but DM is trying to convince everyone DF will be making use of the "free" bar and facilities when the reality is he seems barely aware of what's going on around him.

It's not so much the money, it's the sheer frustration that she's done something that's going to be difficult for her and everyone to deal with the logistics of.

I don't have any practical advice to suggest but I just wanted to express support and say I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Your frustration is completely understandable. May I ask how long he has been in the home? (i.e. how long has she been driving to visit him daily?) Is the decision to choose that home absolutely final?

If she is walking with a zimmer and had a car accident I would speak to her gp and dvla about her safety to drive. Would she get a taxi to the carehome instead or community transport if there is anything available.

I hear you op. My aunt has made a choice of care home for my grandma that is difficult for us all to get to. But it's got a beauty parlour in it so she can get her nails done. While she sits there alone because it's too awkward for anyone to pop in in the evening. She could have picked somewhere the kids could have walked to on their own after school and she could have had a visitor every day but instead she's a minimum 45 minute drive from everyone.

These decisions are hard enough without making things even more complicated for no good reason.

Maybe your dm will see the error of her ways in the winter. Or will she never admit to being wrong? My grandma is still on the list for other homes, maybe when she gets to the top of the list for somewhere more convenient we'll be able to persuade my aunt to agree to a change. But maybe change is not the best thing for an elderly, confused person. Who knows.

It's shit op, I'm sorry.

Can you and sibling contact this care home and say while you understand they provide good quality care, you are concerned that because your mother would not be able to visit your father, your feeling is that he would not settle in well there, and this might cause trouble for the staff. Also it is likely that your mother would not be able to carry on paying for his fees.

They might then withdraw the offer of a place, which would be a way of solving the problem

Is he paying the full fees or is this council funded

Can I just ask, are there any suitable care homes she can get to on public transport?

It's not always as easy as you think when faced with a complex care needs.

@User287264 I think you have hit the nail on the head here, sadly.

@DisforDarkChocolate there are two within walking/electric distance of her house, one about 5 minutes away, one 15 or so but on a bus route. Both my grannies were in each, the one that's slighty further has a really good care report.

DF gets funding for the care element and I think some living costs but the home he is in has a lot of added extras so hence the extra expense.

He got moved there yesterday. DM is telling me it's for "a while" for "a holiday" but she's rarely straight about things and is likely to be telling me what she wants me to hear. I am so pissed off I cant bear speaking to her at the moment but hopefully he will still be on the list for the other two homes.

There is one community transport bus to cover a rural area. I have explained to DM that she cant rely on being able to use this as she wants every single day (they'd previously used it for outings once a fortnight or so) but she ignored that. There are taxis but it's a rural area so again she may not be able to book what she wants when every single time.

The GP knows about her fall and the car accident already.

I suspect we will have some sort of crisis soon and he will need to be moved. It's just so frustrating as it's a long string of decisions that have been made for the very short term. DM was claiming DF's sight is failing recently (she like a drama and I'm never sure if we're getting the truth or not), so you think you'd want to get him somewhere permanent where he'd be able to have the best chance of figuring out what was happening.

I think she's sulking as I said I couldn't meet her tomorrow. DH has offered to take DD after nursery but that's mean him taking unpaid time off. I think for the moment the only thing I can do is make it clear from the off that this isnt going to be an easy option in terms of me driving around the county seeing both of them in one trip.

Thanks for replying, I feel better for having mulled it over.

I think what you need to take into account is how your mum may be feeling about putting your dad into a care home. It may be like a bereavement for her. She may feel terribly guilty and believe that he will get what he pays for - so the more it costs, the better it will be.
‘she will soon find out how difficult it is to visit him, particularly when winter hits. So she may naturally reduce her visits. Can you find out how long his half of their savings will last? I believe that the average life span for people who move into residential care with dementia is less than 2 years. Will his money last that long? If so, then try not to worry. I’d also check that she hasn’t signed an agreement to top up his fees with her own money. This could mean that her savings can be taken into account.
It’s an awful time for you all - maybe cut her a bit of slack?

I am trying to cut her some slack by posting on here rather than saying something to her about it. I get that this is hard for her. But it's also the case that this isn't a one off out of character event.

We've had many, many years of her encouraging us to believe DF is at death's door. But in the last two years when he was genuinely become more ill it turns out that they have been and are willing to do virtually nothing to help themselves until there's a crisis.

For example, two years ago I was trying to persuade her to install a ramp for DF, which she had council funding for. She didn't want to do it as it would disturb some flower beds.

So they prevaricated for weeks - it turns out DF was having minor falls on the steps during this time - until he did have a major fall, then she spent £6k installing a ramp that doesn't comply with building standards which he eventually got to use after being in hospital for 4 months, having had another two potential EOL events when he was in there.

I ended up making myself ill trying to help when he was in hospital after the fall and I just can't do that again, it's not fair on my kids.

I know she's going to have problems visiting during the winter, the thing is that I'd bet my house that it will become another thing that we have a soul sapping drama about rather than something that can be anticipated and avoided.

I agree he probably doesn't have much time left but it seems mental that so much of his last year will have been spent getting shunted in and out of hospital (because DM wanted him to stay at home but couldn't cope) and now between care homes.

I guess if nothing else it's forced me to think about how I'd plan for things to be when me and DH get older.

I completely agree - the whole story behind my Dm and her DH has caused me so much anguish, and even though she’s died, I’m still feeling somewhat aggrieved about things she did and said. I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the summer, and know that I need to let go of the past issues - I can’t change them but I can stop letting it define me.
I’d try to step back if I were you. There’s probably little you can do to change her behaviour. I’d also look to seeing a counsellor for your own benefit before this eats away at you. Parents eh!

Has she checked the home rakes funded residents because if he has under 23k (might be 25) he will be local authority funded…
perhaps you could call the home on her behalf and sadly they don’t ;) x

I can sort of understand the ramp thing. The ones I’ve seen zigzag up, occupying the whole of the front garden, looking hideous and advertising to burglars “there’s a frail old person here who won’t put up a fight”

@MereDintofPandiculation DH's got a background that meant he could come up with an alternative design that still complied with building regs but wasn't as bad as the zig zaggy council proposal. She didn't want DH's suggested one either, but ended up with having a ramp and DF really deteriorating after the fall and hospital stay.

Anyway, I went to see DF in the home. It's nice and in some ways a bit more peaceful seeing him without DM there. But it is very going to be very difficult to see both him and my DM during the hours I've got childcare for. He's so unresponsive I'm not keen on taking the kids for a visit, it seems unfair all around and I'm sure he wouldn't want to be remembered like he is now. He doesn't know where he is either.

It is what it is, unfortunately. Thanks to everyone who replied.

@Soontobe60 wise words. I've been feeling a bit better for about the last year or so and have been focusing more on the people I need to look after in my own household. It's just every so often there's a wobble, and this week has been one f them.