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Elderly parents

Would you let your mum or dad live with you?

13 replies

mermaidtail · 29/08/2022 20:49

I recently posted on another thread but was advised posting on this thread might be more helpful.

My father who is in his 70's has lived abroad for 6 years, I went to visit him regularly the first 3 years but the last 3 we haven't spoken so much.

I recently moved into a house from a flat & have a spare bedroom, garden, etc. I've got myself a job, and DD Into a brilliant school.

My father came to visit 2 months ago, I was told initially he would only be staying for a couple of weeks. He went to the GP for some issues he was having with his skin, he has been told he has skin cancers that need removing.

Long story short, he has had to extend his stay. I told him only a few days into his visit that he couldn't stay here on a long term basis, that it wasn't fair on me for him to waltz back into my life once I got back on my feet. I've been through hell and back while he's been living in the sunshine.

First month he had absolutely no money, he cost me quite a lot to be honest. It was almost like it was expected of me.

He has now mentioned going back to where he lives, selling his place, and living with me permanently.

Having him around has its positives, but also many negatives. Living with him growing up was awful, I'm getting a lot of those feelings of resentment back.

I've also had my sister come and stay for a month, she's moving abroad, so having both of them around me for the last 4 weeks has really taken its toll. I'm ready for them both to leave now. I'm starting a new job next week, DD is back in school, yet all I can think about it this. My sister leaves tomorrow, dad is thinking of going the second half of September.

I just feel like a mug, I feel extremely bitter about the situation, I wasn't even asked!!!! I've slowly been led into it.

If he had sat down and spoken to me about it that would have been better but he has literally just fucking assumed this is all ok despite me telling him when he got here that I don't want him staying for long.!!!

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 29/08/2022 21:11

In circumstances such as you describe NO. I would have happily had my dad come and live with us, he was old and getting frail but mentally still great and fabulous company. He would have been a joy to live with, the exception to the rule. As it happened he was fit and able enough to stay in his own home, fully independent with a gardener and cleaner coming in until a couple of weeks before he died. I ended up moving in with him with the(my) family coming over every night for our evening meal which he really enjoyed being part of even if he couldn't eat much. The hospice admitted him 48 hours before he died.

MulberryMoon · 29/08/2022 21:17

If I'd had a good relationship with a parent growing up I'd like to as a widow, once kids left home. With the mother I have - no chance. She'd like to but she bullied me growing up and actions have consequences.

gonutkin · 29/08/2022 21:21

As said previously, in your position I wouldn't do it. You sound like this would impact your life quite significantly and the fact he didn't talk to you about it and just decided he would move in is not okay. You have your own life and deserve to live it.

GnomeDePlume · 29/08/2022 21:31

You are right. You are being taken for a mug and I don't think you are one.

Time for a firm conversation with DF. Start with a bald statement: 'Dad, you are not going to be living here permanently'. 'While I am happy for you to visit from time to time we will not be sharing a home'

londonlass71 · 29/08/2022 21:34

My mother is coming to live with me this week as we lost my dad. Everyone has a different relationship with their parents and families. Also culture plays a part in this too.
Perhaps suggest him selling and buying or renting a small place near you. That way you aren't on top of one another but yet close enough to help out.

SalviaOfficinalis · 29/08/2022 21:38

Definitely not in the situation you’ve described.
It doesn’t really matter if other people would or not - it doesn’t sound like it’s the right thing for you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/08/2022 08:37

I had a good relationship with my Dad, he thinks the world of me and my family, and tries so hard not to be a nuisance. But no, he’s not living with me. Or even next door to me. A quarter of a mile down the road was just about OK

Just thought I’d set the record straight. Grin Answers so far have been “parents who have behaved nicely can live with their parents, parents who have behaved badly cannot “ You don’t have to have the excuse that a parent has behaved badly to not want them living with you

Dramachameleon · 30/08/2022 08:40

I might do, but my DM is a difficult woman and I would worry about my marriage

mermaidtail · 30/08/2022 09:00

It's also been difficult having my sister here for a month, she's a very full on loud character. Constantly wanting to do things and spend money. I don't think anyone has really thanked me. I've never felt so uncomfortable in my own home.

I'm just so damn convenient for everyone.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2022 09:21

I saw your other thread and I said no there. I'm saying no still.

He shouldn't have assumed anything.

If he wants to move closer to you, you will help him find a flat/home near where you are living but not under the same roof. He can't just move himself into your home.

You will have to do some preparation ahead of having a long hard conversation with him. Skin cancer diagnosis aside (not dismissing it, but my own mother had skin cancers removed and has lived quite happily by herself before, during and after the diagnosis and removals), he doesn't get to impose himself on your life.

You are going to have to decide what your boundaries are. Sister staying for a few days - fine, sister staying for a fortnight or longer - not fine. Dad staying for an overnight ahead of a hospital visit - fine, again staying longer - not fine.

You're not an AirBnB or a guest house or a hotel. There is no rule that says that family must accommodate other family when they drop by. None.

You're an adult and you're allowed have boundaries and you are also allowed to enforce them without feeling guilty or that you have to roll over on them if you don't want to.

With your daughter going back to school, this is the perfect time to have the conversation.

Best of luck with it all.

Sswhinesthebest · 30/08/2022 09:24

I love my parents to bits and get on well with them. I want to keep it that way so that’s why they’ll never move in with me.
I want to help them and see them because I want to, not because I have to, and end up resenting them.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2022 09:29

You need to start the conversation "Dad, it's time for you to go. While it's been nice (not good/fun/lovely or any other gushing word) having you around, I need my space back and I don't want to end up in a situation that was not of my making. As Sister is leaving on Friday, that would be a good time for you to go too."

Start the dialogue.

If he is hurt (no idea why, because he imposed himself on you and your DD), say that if he was genuinely interested in moving to your area, you will help him with that but you're not allowing him to move into your home by stealth, and that is what it feels like to you.

EL8888 · 30/08/2022 14:57

Zero chance. My mother can’t / won’t compromise so wants everything her way. She would be unlikely to respect our house and the way we want to live. Plus her incessant twittering would drive my partner and l mad. Her constant door slamming l couldn’t tolerate.

In your situation then l would be laying down boundaries and specify when everyone is moving out. Ideally sooner rather than later e.g. by this weekend

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